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Alive

I'm still alive & kicking. Anyone out there?

This pretty much sums it up....

‎..Life stops when you stop dreaming, hope ends when you stop believing, love ends when you stop caring, friendship ends when you stop sharing.

Friends?

I found this earlier, seems fitting...

Never take anyone for granted, hold every person close to your heart, because you might wake up one day and realize that you've lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones.

I'm really really sick of fair weather friends. Who the fuck do they think they are? I've been there to listen, offered my shoulder etc, just to be ignored? What a total slap in the face. Yeah. Fuck you too.

The end

Titanic

Today was my daughters first full day at home. Her best friend is here today and I cannot even begin to tell you how freaking wonderful it is to have lift in this house again!!! 10 weeks and 1 day was a very very long time for Bug to be gone but she has told me so many times how happy she is to be home. It's such a good feeling. She even told me that she missed me yelling at her! Hahaha!

We were sitting here earlier, well the girls were in the living room and I was cooking in the kitchen and they started watching "Titanic". This damn movie gets me every time. This & "The Notebook". Which got me thinking about a conversation with my mom the other day. She basically told me that I'm holding out for "Mr. Perfect" and I'm never going to find him. I guess I sort of am. I'm holding out for "Mr. Right", I don't believe in perfection other than maybe in a sunrise or sunset or a perfect photograph. People? In my mind, there is no such thing as perfect. Everyone has flaws. I just refuse to settle. I see so many people that have gotten married for all the wrong reasons or too young. People that get married bc they feel they have to. It's the "right" thing to do. Says who? Funny bc all those people that I went to school with that got married young, are now getting divorced. Hell, my own parents have a far from happy marriage.

With that being said, I'm really trying to understand why I attract the men that I attract. I attract the crazy, the married, and the emotionally unstable. If they are within a 100 mile radius- they will find me. It's a guarantee. I never get the ones that truly care. No I take that back, those are usually the married ones. If they were happy in their marriages there would be no me. Well, I'm not about to be the crutch so that they can go home and tolerate their home life. Nothing good comes of situations like that. Someone always gets hurt. I have witnessed this on at least two occasions this year. Happy people don't cheat. Sadly, I don't know of any marriages now days that one doesn't have a wandering eye. Some act on it and some don't. However, the two affairs that I have been on the sidelines watching over the past few years have ended disasterous. You can't have three people in a marriage. One is always going to get hurt. If not more.

I always wonder why I am attracted to the men I'm attracted to. Is it the challenge? Is it my fear of commitment? Is it a combimation of both? I really did like JB and to this day I don't totally understand what the hell happened but whatever. It did and so be it. Hopefully I'll have learned something from it. It was almost like an affair with the distance being the third party. Two people, 2500 miles apart that had so much in common and talked for hours each night on the phone. Plans to meet up, futuristic plans. Lots of talk. Lot of bullshit. He flipped a switch on me and I realized he wanted a robot. A Stepford Wife. Soooo not me. So never going to be me. EVER.

In other news, Bug is home from her vacation at her dad's. Nice to have her here. I missed the little shit :) Actually she's such a good kid. I can't even pretend different. She had a great time with her dad and her brother. Came back so much more mature than when she left.... Soon she'll be graduating and going to college. *sigh*

Mobile

So I realized just now there's a mobile app for blogger.  Interesting... maybe I'll use it more & maybe I wont. I guess time will tell

Bug comes home on Saturday after 10 very long weeks id being with her dad. I cannot wait to see her!!!  Hard to believe that summer is almost over though. I really hate that because I love summer.  Hate winter!!!

Been really debating on what to do with my life lately. Work is starting to suck in major way. I used to look forward to going there and now I'm just over it.  Maybe Ill go to school? Idk. I wish I had more choices around here.....

Blogging

I have often thought about blogging... what I would write about. I used to really like to blog. I used to look forward to sitting down at night and putting all of my thoughts on here. I think that changed when I realized I think I bitch too much. Maybe I don't?! Idk. Lately it feels like I do. I think I'm too afraid to go back and attempt to read anything out of fear of what I'd read. Sometimes I like to just leave my thoughts and not revisit them.

There isn't much going on in my life. I was dumped... again. *SHOCKER* Yeah, I should be totally used to this by now. For the first time in 2.5 years, I allowed myself to open up to someone and BAM! He changed on me overnight. I still don't know what happened. Someone put a status on their FB page today, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". I'm really not sure I agree w/ that. I'm not sure that I really enjoy getting hurt over and over again. This is why I keep myself so totally guarded. I can say "live and learn"... but do I learn? Sure, I walk away learning something from every relationship I've been in. I can say that I learned the difference between cuts of steak from George, or I learned that it's ok to buy myself things once in a while and not spend my every spare cent on Bug.... This one... I allowed someone to finally help me around my house. I know that sounds stupid, but I did. He trimmed trees, helped me in the garage etc. Things that I normally would tell someone "no", but I allowed the help. This is something that I am not very comfortable with no matter what the circumstances. I'm not sure why this is. Why I'm so against someone doing something nice for me. I have been this way for years. Maybe because it's been thrown in my face in the past. Someone offering help and then throwing it back at me and making me feel like a horrible person for accepting it. It's something I'm working on but I have a very hard time with.... But really, is it really better to have loved? I'm not sure. I'm not sure that walking away from a relationship with a ton of heartbreak is worth the price of learning the differences in cuts of steak.

I have a friend that needs to pick her up car in VA and drive it back to GA.... this sounds appealing to me as I've never driven the east coast, only flown all over it. They happen to have a great beach house in OBX as well. That'd be a bonus for the ride back! Stop there for a few days! *HEAVEN* There is nothing I like more than a nice house on the ocean. Granted that I'd have to pray that there would be no hurricanes while I was there!!! I've been in the storms as they traveled up the coast but never right in a hurricane. I'm pretty lucky where I live. We don't have any weather issues besides snowstorms! No hurricanes, earthquakes, hell we don't even get tornado's here. Sure we have watches but the last tornado to touch down even remotely near us (aka about 3 hours south) was over 20 years ago. The perks of living on Lake Superior I guess! I think I'd take a snowstorm over some of the devastation I have seen on TV lately.

I suppose that's it. I have to go figure out how I can come up with the money to head south on a road trip!

Later bitches!