I am....

I am Strong because I am weak. I am Beautiful because I know my flaws. I am a Lover because I'm a fighter. I am fearless because I have been afraid. I am Wise becasue I have been foolish. And I can laugh because I have known sadness

I came across this on FB yesterday.  How fitting.  It states exactly how *I* feel.  How I'm sure many of us feels.  Sometimes, many times, I think we underestimate ourselves.

I am the type of person that really tries not to judge.  We all have flaws.  We all have a past.  Of course in some circumstances it's really hard not to and no matter how hard we try- we do judge others upon their actions, looks etc.  Like the old saying goes "Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones".

It drives me *insane* to be judged by someone that has made the same mistakes as I have, yet they feel they're superior.  Perfect even.  Do they forget about their past?  Do they forget about the things they have done that has made them into who they are today?  I think people often times forget this.  I find it funny that they know that I have not judged them for their past, for their faults, yet they feel it's ok to judge me and make me into this horrible person.  Why do people feel that's ok?  Its NOT ok.  Not at all.

I have one said friend/relative that's always been like my sister that I have rarely stood up to.  I am being judged, punished even, for something that I did a year ago.  Something that I deeply regretted.  It severed our friendship in a major way.  Things were just getting back to normal and now BAM!  Here we go again.  Because of this one mistake that I made, I'm made out to be this horrible person that I know I'm not.  Yes, I screwed up, I admit that.  But so has she.  In my eyes- even more so than this little mistake that I made a year ago.  I've written an email to her explaining that  I realize that once again, my incident is coming between us.  She hasn't talked to me in a couple weeks now because of something really stupid.  I mean REALLY stupid.  Stupid to the point that had this happened 2 years ago she wouldn't have thought anything of it but now because of the "incident"  I'm the worst person in the world and I have hurt her so deeply... Whatever.  I've always sat in the shadows.   I have always let her walk all over me.  Always been her door mat.  Since we were little kids.  She knows me better than anyone else and she knows that what she's accusing me of is asinine.  Yet she's always right and too proud to admit she's sorry. I think I've gotten one apology out of her in my entire life.  She's too proud.  Does nothing wrong.  Perfect.  Her husband is the most arrogant person I know and has basically turned her into a Stepford Wife.  It's almost like she has no mind of her own anymore.  What he says goes.  Of course it doesn't help that they consider themselves "functioning alcoholics".

Anyway, the point is that I have this very long email that I've written to her outlining all the times she's hurt me.  All the things she's done to me over the years.  All the things SHE has done and yet she's judging me for basically the very same thing she has done.  How is that fair?  I have never stood up to her.  I've always backed down and walked away. In her eyes right now I'm "dead to her".  Her very words.  Seeing as I'm "dead to her", why shouldn't I send the email?  Why should I let her pound me down one more time without standing up for myself?  Would I be the bigger person just walking away from it- sure I would.  BUT I think given the circumstances, it's about time that *I* stand up for myself and remind her of all the things that she has done.   All the "wrongs" she has done in/to her life.  All the times she's belittled me for the very same things she's done.  I honestly think it's time I stood up for myself.  This is an issue that's been weighing heavily on my mind since it happened a couple weeks ago.  Doesn't help that we work together as well.  I did close the email by saying that I hope she has a long, happy, healthy life & things in her marriage work themselves out.  That I will continue to have a working relationship with her but nothing more.  

I guess all I can do is take my chance on sending it.  She has the choice to read it or not.  I'm sure that nothing will get accomplished from it other than her hating me even more but at least I will have said my peace.  Something that I have never done with her.  I've always taken her shit & never dealt any back.  I think it's time that I stand up for myself for once.  She has to understand that HER actions hurt people as well.  The world does not revolve around her and her "fantastic" (rolling eyes) husband.  In reality he's the most arrogant person I've ever met.  Selfish, arrogant, self absorbed person.

So on that note, I'm sure I'll be here venting about the outcome of my email & all the repercussions that will come because of it.  Stay tuned....

I want to ride the Amtrak across the country... I think it'd be fun.

Boring

Wow. I haven't been here since late April and come to find out the blogs that I was following are "gone". As in not on my list any longer. Oh well.

Bug's gone. Been gone for almost 3 weeks now. 3 down & 5 to go I guess. 8 weeks is a really long time when you're used to having someone with you at all times! We did do a bit of "lets hop in the car and just go" before she left which was really nice & fun. I love doing that. Not having any plans- just go. It'd really be much easier if I didn't have the animals but I do so I have to have them taken care of before we can take off anywhere. The cat is easy, leave out a few days worth of food- golden. The dogs- not so much.

We hit a neat little island about 4 hours from our house. I hadn't been there since I was 6 so that was quite a while ago. She thought it was going to be really boring but she actually had a great time. There are no cars on the island at all. Horses and bikes are the only way to get around. It's 8 miles around the island. We'd started biking it but it was getting too late and cold so we made it almost 2 miles each way. Between biking & all the walking we did, we got quite a bit of exercise in!

Before Bug left we had to travel across state for my Grandma's memorial service. Of course we had to turn that into an adventure as well, stopping here & there. It was a good time.

Now she's gone & I'm bored. I don't have George to keep me occupied like I did the previous 2 summers. I painted the front of the house. The house is red but it had a greyish lavendar color on the front which I've hated since I bought the house. I opted to paint it a golden yellow color. It's a bit more yellow & not enough gold than I wanted but it sure did brighten up the place! We also put up a nice little picket fence. I have one coat of white stain on that & one to go! The mud room is the next project to tackle bc it's just.... well... fugly and outdated. I should have done that today instead of sitting on my ass while it rained.

Why is it always nice during the day and then rain shortly after I get off of work!? WTH!? I can't complain about the weather though it's been beautiful! Sunny, warm (hot) and just a wonderful summer!

Some pics of what I've been up to because well... I really have nothing left to say. I told you, I've become boring! No love life, typical drama w/ the friends but as I said at the beginning of the year, I'm all done being a door mat. This last little episode confirmed that! Sadly its taken me almost 33 years to realize that's all I am. Oh fucking well. Good bye & have a nice life.

View of the big bridge

Our ferry to the island.
Driving over the big bridge!
Butterflies at one of the island's butterfly houses.

View from the Fort
One of the beautiful Great Lakes!
Arch Rock
Entrance to the Grand Hotel
One of 2 ways to get around the island

My new baby :) I realize it's sad that I'm excited about this but it's nice not to have to borrow one EVER AGAIN!!!! Now she needs a name!
The dome of the capital
Capital building
Bug's driveway chalk drawings... not too bad for 9 huh!?

Gorgeous sunset on the 4th

Happy Birthday America!

Later my bitches!

It's been a while.... Again!

Yep, it's been quite a while again....  I just can't seem to get into it like I used to.  I'd like to say it's from the lack of excitement in my life.  I've turned into a rather boring person.

Last night my excitement consisted of pulling out half of the carpet and padding from the spare bedroom.  It's time.  I had gotten one of the dogs not long after I moved into this house and she decided that's where she'd pee in the house.  GROSS!  Needless to say it stunk to high hell when I pulled it out last night.  Absolutely disgusting!  I still cannot understand how dogs, at 2 and 3 years old, still have "accidents" in the house?!  Should they not be house broken? I can leave them alone in the house for 12 hours without a single accident but overnight or if I don't let them out in time!?  WHAT THE HELL!?

This sounds morbid but I think about death often lately.  Not about ME dying but people in general.  Life in general.  My co-worker with Leukemia has been in and out of the hospital and his GVH is back again.  AGAIN!!!  Ugh.  He used to be so healthy and full of life and to see and hear him is heartbreaking.  It's almost been a year since his stem cell transplant.  He had almost died once after a heart attack during surgery.  He has the Dr's completely baffled because in all honesty, he should be dead.  He's a walking miracle at 40 years old.

My Uncle, who was once strong as an ox, developed Scleroderma.  Normally this disease attacks your skin and hardens it to the consistency of wood.  Lucky guy that he is, developed Internal Scleroderma which is almost worst because it not only attacks your skin but your internal organs as well.  He's gone through a year of treatment at University of Michigan and will have to continue to go once every two months (if I remember right) for the next 3 years I think.  Because there is no known cure for it, he applied and was accepted into a trial where they could either do a stem cell transplant with his own stem cells or high doses of a chemo drug, Cytoxin.  Because of some of the internal issues they opted for the Cytoxin.  He's doing better than he was a year ago.  He had gone from being 50 to 80 in a matter of a short few months.  He's now getting around much better but will probably never work again.

I often think about my dear classmate who died in an automobile accident when we were younger.  I attended his funeral on my 23rd birthday.

My cousin who took his own life almost a year ago.

My almost 88 year old Grandpa who lied about his age to enlist in the military and go to war.  Watching his health fail and his dementia kick into overtime.

My Grandma who I lost this past December.  She was a tough, extremely opinionated woman but she sure taught me a lot about life and people.  I visited her every summer as a child.  She might not have been overly loving towards her family but she certainly had an knack for helping those in need.  Her life revolved around volunteering at her local hospital in every aspect.

Or my Grandpa who passed away a few years ago from Meslothelioma from working with asbestos for year.....  and so many others that have touched my life.  

I was fortunate enough to tell both my Grandpa and my Grandma how much I loved them and what an impact they both had on my life.  I also thanked them for everything they ever did for me.  I had closure.

I'm not sure if this makes me morbid to think about these things and have them consume my thoughts sometimes...  I can tell you that it certainly makes me realize that our days are numbered and each one is a gift and not a guarantee or a right.

My parents hate when I talk to them about death.  Drives them crazy.  I try to explain to them that you just never know.  Some people aren't meant to grow old.  However, I have watched the turmoil unfold from both my Grandparents deaths.  My Grandpa had everything pretty much documented & taken care of although there were issues with other things.  My Grandma on the other hand had developed dementia as well and had changed her mind about things and her kids were left with trying to figure things out.  I told my parents that *I* need to know what they want done should something happen to them so I'm respecting their wishes.  I have told them both as well as friends what I want done with myself.  Our AFLAC rep was just here last week and I took out more life insurance as well as another policy so that they don't have to worry about me should something ever happen.

Maybe it's because I'm from a small town and I am exposed to death more than the average person.  After all, in a small town everyone knows everyone and I've always worked with the public.  Chances are if I'm not related to them I've waited on them at some point.  I guess I just want to be prepared.  I want to have Bug taken care of and my parents not to worry about my funeral or finances etc.  I guess you can say it's either morbid or being well prepared.

Enough of that topic.  I ripped out most of the floor in the spare bedroom last night after work. I have to hurry and get the new floor laid as I'm having a Pampered Chef party on Friday.  I work best under pressure!!! :)

I'm putting a white fence around my front yard.  Mostly for the dogs but also for some privacy.  I don't live on a main road but my road is quite busy.  This will hopefully prevent people from staring in my window and I can run around naked again in my own house.  Ok not really but I used to be able to in the old house.  It was great.  This is what I'm hoping as my finished product.

http://plantwhateverbringsyoujoy.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/arbor.jpg

I've been working on updating the family tree again.  It goes back to 1210 in England and has 547 people on it!!!  Talk about time consuming!!! I just hope that one day someone will appreciate it as much as I did!  I brought it out to the family reunion last year and people were in awe of it.   A couple of older ladies in the family had written away to have one "calculated" (for lack of a better word) for them.  It came back with a lot of information so I figured I'd update it from there.  What a task!!!  Wow!  I've also found more information to go with the people they had found.  Quite interesting what you can find out.  I know who my link is to the American Revolution should I ever want to apply to become a member of the Daughter's of the American Revolution.  Pretty neat if you're into that kind of stuff.

Less than 2 months until Bug leaves me for the summer.  I hate to let her go but I know that I have to.  Hopefully I'll have enough summer projects to keep me from becoming a raging bitch this summer while she's gone.  I do good for a bit and then lose it for the last 2-3 weeks.   Hey, at least I can warn people ahead of time that it will happen!

Alright I think thats enough for now!  Later my bitches!

Happy

Things that make me happy-

Bug's laugh

XXX vitamin water

Sunny days and nice weather.

Vacations

Friends & Family

Seeing F&F happy

Since our spring vacation plans didn't work out I'm taking Bug to an indoor water park this weekend.  It's a few hours away from our house but I know she'll have a great time!  I am hoping & praying the water is warm!!!!  I HATE cold water. I hate pool water!  And then to think of all the little kids that will be playing in the water and pissing in it really grosses me out! :)

The weather here as been beautiful this winter and spring.  I'm in love!!!  Even some of my plants are coming up!!!  Yay!!!!

Plans for the weekend-

Water park

Mall for shopping

Mani's & pedi's (this is Bug's new favorite thing)

Eating good food!  I'm craving Olive Garden.  But then again maybe we'll just order pizza to the hotel?!

Getting the rest of the accessories I need for my bathroom.  I hope to God this can be done soon!   I'm getting a little irritated!  It's hard though bc I can't do w/o a bathroom and I only have 1 shower in my house.  :(

An ass kickin' good time

Wow. My Jillian Michaels dvd's finally arrived. OH. MY. GAWD did she kick my ass. Wow. I opted to do 'Banish Fat Boos Metabolism' and thought I was going to die. I had to opt out of a few of the things that she did. She is TOUGH to say the least! Wow. I think I still had sweat 5 minutes after I stopped! After I attempted to do that dvd I did the ab section on 'No More Trouble Zones'. Wow. I can totally understand how this could work sticking with it everyday. I physially couldnt' go on w/ the first one anymore bc I felt that if I stepped one more time my thighs were going to break right in half. And I consider my legs to be in good shape!!! It was nice to see the girls in the video sweating their asses off right with me. Wow. That's all I can say.

I did measure myself last night but I was highly bloated so I figured I'd do it again today. There was an inch difference in my sperm pouch area. Every inch counts!!! I was good today and didn't have salt or pop. I did have a cup of coffee and then drank my new Roobio tea the rest of the day, which is non caffinated. So far so good. Felt much better today and not so bloated. I think I've caught the culprit!!!

I'm going to enter my bathroom in an Ugly Bathroom Contest through our local tv station. Bc lets face it folks- it's FUGLY!

Still unsure of the issue from my rant the other day. Talk about being confused. Fuck. I got on the treadmill and then boxed & did sword fighting on the Wii. I couldn' figure out why the hell I was so sore the next day. I gave it my all damn it!!!

I hate winter. I'm taking a cruise the end of March/ beginning of April. I think I'm dropping Bug off at her dad's and then heading down w/ a friend. I have never been on a cruise & I think that I deserve it!!! I need to relax & have a cabana boy. Idk. Really tempted between a cruise or just going to the keys. Somehow I have a feeling a cruise would be cheaper than the keys. We'll see what we figure out! Hopefully it's HOT down there by then seeing as this winter has been soooooooooooo weird.

Speaking of, I really need to do my taxes!

Wonder if my cell phone works on a cruise or if I'm charged for roaming? Never thought of that. Roaming is my guess but then again I have my pc if I really feel the need.

I'll leave you with a pic I took on Fri.

Here's Your Sign

You are a fucking idiot.

A doormat.

Those would be my signs.


No matter how much you think your "friends" are truthful to you. They're not. Fucking lying sacks of shit. I swear to God that I have "Please fuck me over" written some where on the outside my body so that anyone of the male species says "oh there's an easy target".

Nevermind that he's been a part of your life as a friend and otherwise for about 6 years. The one man that you thought you could trust. Keyword being THOUGHT.

The one that knew you better than anyone else & would never judge you. The one you could tell anything to.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck the friendship we had. Fuck the high & mighty life you pretend you lead. You're a piece of shit. You're a fake. How the fuck do you sleep at night?

You're the opposite of everything I thought you were. Fuck you. Fuck the strong I thought that you were. You're not strong at all. You're weak. Only a fucking coward could act the way you have.

Fuck the excuses, the promises that you claim to have made. Fuck the advice you give me. The high & mighty life you lead. If the people that look up to you only knew!

Evil. You're evil.

You played with my emotions. You fucked with my heart. You fucked with my head. YOU are an asshole. It amazes me so fucking much that someone that I once loved, as recently as this morning, that I could feel so much hated and deceitfulness for right now.

Fuck the I love you's, fuck the horse you rode on in. Fuck your friends too. Fuck your secrets.

I am such a fucking fool. I vowed w/ this new year I wouldn't be a door mat anymore and you agreed with me. You said it was a good thing. You were pissed off over the ex fucking Asshat & how he didn't deserve me. Yet YOU, Mr Fucktard Asshole did the SAME FUCKING THING to me. I hate you. Why can you do that to me yet he can't?! Why is it ok for you to lie to me but it wasn't ok for him? Do you think you're God? Who the fuck do you think you are?!

I thought I had an idea of who you were. Little did I know that I have no idea at all. You admitted you're fucked up. I thought it was bc of different reasons. Little did I realize this was the reason. What tangled webs we weave my friend. How do you sleep at night? Thats' right you don't. You have no morals at all. What do you have? You have ice for blood in your veins and an artificial heart to pump it through.

Heartless Coward.

Lying bastard.

You're a cruel person.

How can you inflict pain on people and still walk around breathing, laughing & enjoying your life?

War was probably an easy way out wasn't it? Deployment was the easy option. You're still a coward.

Fuck you. You were my McDreamy. We had a relationship like Callie & McSteamy. Yet you turned out to be nothing but an Alex. You're a dick. User. Womanizer.

You don't think of anyone's feeling but your own. I hope your head, heart and especially your dick is happy you fucking loser. You fake.

Ugh

I *really* need to do my taxes.

And book a vacation.

I'd like to go to Vegas or Miami if Bug goes to her dads over break from school. If not, then I'm debating on FL again or possibly to visit friends in AZ.... All I know is that I *need* to get out of here for a few days. I am dying to feel sand between my toes & wear my flip flops. Oh how I miss my flip flops!!!!!

Damn winter. I hate you. Although I have to admit it really hasnt' been so bad. We had a blizzard right before Christmas and this past weekend it was in the 50's! This week/ weekend we're in the 20's & 30's with no snow till Sunday so I can't complain too much.

Now if I can just get that sauna built!!!

I think I'll let Bug skip her meeting w/ Jesus tomorrow. She skipped last week too. We had a reason then, a funeral. This week we have no excuse. I may have things to do after work & she can stay at a friends for a bit if she wants. Although I'm sure things will fall through. They always do. One of these days I'm bound to have something go my way right? Right.

I love my new straightener.

I need a new toy.

Taxes still aren't done.

I baked a gazillion fucking cookies tonight for Bug's bake sale tomorrow.

I really wish my sauna was built already.

I should paint my living room again. I need a color that goes w/ my red & gold curtains. Because I love them & dont' want to get rid of them.

Still need to touch up on my bedroom & get new furniture. The brown wood doesn't go. Need black.

Jimmy Fallon just said a guy bit off a cops nipple during a fight outside a bar in Chicago. WHAT THE FUCK!? Is Mike Tyson on the loose again? I'd like to meet Jimmy Fallon.

I'm sad that Conan is leaving. I love him.

This post is extremely random. This is how my brain works on a *daily* basis. Imagine being me! I need to stop analyzing everything. But I think it's funny that I remember how to write analyze bc it starts with "anal" and followed by a "y".

I hate Bejewled Blitz. I play far too much of it bc I'm addicted & weak.

Still not sure I love my Droid. I loved it at first but I think we have now developed a love/ hate relationship with one another.

Does anyone stay faithful anymore? I wonder if they did back in the 50's when life seemed so good & Suzy Homemaker was in the kitchen. Wonder if the milkman or the paperboy really did visit during the day?

It sucks how people retire & then either they or their spouse get sick and die. Makes you wonder if working is really worth it? Makes me want to home school Bug and hop in my car and just go. I miss flying.

I miss the smell of the ocean. Or when the lake wasnt' frozen even though the water is too cold to do anything in. I like listening to the waves.

Alright, enough of my chaotic mind.

G'nite bitches.