Something new

I've decided to try something new. I haven't been very good at Blogging in 2010 so I'm going to try something a little different that I've found. I will try to blog about something every day for 30 days--

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Happy New Year!!!!

I rang in the new year at home. Boring! Bug was leaving yesterday and I had a 4 hour drive to drop her off and a 4 hour drive home so it wasn't worth my time to be in a car for 8 hours with a hangover! Thankfully, after being delayed twice over the past week- she is FINALLY with her dad.

It's also time to start my 2011 Bucket List. I find that if I make one per year instead of per lifetime I actually get a lot more done. I was able to cross a few things off last year. It's nice to say that I finally met some goals. They're not big goals but instead things I'd like to do, places I'd like to see etc. It's amazing the beautiful places we have locally that I've never been to!

Another new thing abot 2011 is the possiblity of finding love. I have been so cold and closed off for so long, maybe it's time for me to allow someone back in? It's very very hard trying to be un-guarded. I opened myself up to someonee and got completely and totally shit on. He divorced and hadn't looked back so I figured things were good. Then you find out you're being lied to and screwed around on ALL.THE.TIME. Totally not cool at all. I am NOT ok with that. (Granted I don't know of many people that would be.) Fast forward....

So now I have kind of started to someone. I think enough time has passed that I can allow myself to date someone and not be suspicious of them. I had major trust issues after George. This guy I have blogged about before, I think I referred to him as Big D so we'll go with that... So Big D & I have talked and been good friends for a few years. We are co-workers and have worked together for 7 years. We've been pretty close over the past 2 and have dicussed the attraction towards one another but we were both in bad places. Me in a shitty relationship, he in a shitty marriage with 2 small children. They have filed for divorce twice, gone through with it once only to get remarried a couple months later. About 2 years ago when they were seperated is when we realized this attraction. I refused to act on it due to my situation w/ George & his marriage. I knew my relationship was over but I didn't wnat to act on something w/ Big D bc I knew I'd be using him as a crutch. A replacement. I wouldn't be acting on genuine feelings for him but rather getting the things from him that I wasn't getting in my own relationship.

I'm not a serial dater. He is. I can't date someone for two years and then start dating someone else a few months later. I have to make sure all my feelings for the "old" person are gone. Granted his situation has been very shitty. She has done things that are inexusable and things that cannot be "fixed". He's done and over it. Seeing as he & I were good friends, I have known the ins & outs of their marriage. I don't think I've ever been friends with someone like him and then attempted to date them so it's kinda weird for me. I have a huge wall up and I need to figure out how to get rid of it bc no matter how much I try... It's still there. Is it because I don't really like him in that way? Is it because I'm scared? Is it because I'm not ready? I can't figure it out bc he really *is* one of the most amazing men I have ever met in my life. He's a dad to two amazing little ones. They're 3 & 5. He pretty much has custody of them. He's probably one of the most mellow people I've ever met. He's 110% honest. About everything. I know if I asked him a question, no matter what it is, but he will give me an honest answer. No lies, no beating around the bush- just honesty. He's a good looking guy. Sweet, giving guy... so WHAT is my problem? I can't say that I don't like him bc I do. I just can't allow myself to open up completely. I am trying really hard. I had gone on a date w/ another guy that my friend tried setting me up with. I really liked talking to him, emailing him etc. I met him for a beer- physically he wasn't my type but I "thought" I liked him after meeting him. Everything else about him I was attracted to. I had to go to his town one day for something and thought he was going to meet me when I got down with my stuff, yet he called & asked me to pick him up instead and take him along... I didn't want to tell him no but that put a damper on my plans and made it weird for me. After that things kinda went downhill. He asked to do things all the time and I always find a reason to tell him no. I think he'd be a BLAST to party with- I think he'd be a great friend, but as far as a lover- no. I just don't think that'd happen. Idk.... It just makes me wonder if I am sabatoging these things myself? Is it my defense mechanism??? Honestly I really like being alone. I like having my own house, my own things, my own schedule & not having to "ask" if they mind if I can go here or there or whatever. I am fully content being single. Yet, I do sometimes find myself missing him. BUT when he's here, I'm weird. WTF?! I also have a very hard time looking him in the eye- an issue I don't have with anyone else. So... yeah, WTF?

Bug's gone this week so I guess we'll see what it brings....

Flipping the world the Bird

Again, it's been *forever* since I've been on here. Maybe it's because I don't have anything to say. Maybe I have too much to say and am paranoid that people will find this blog.... Idk.

We've added to the family-



I'm seriously wondering if there is something wrong with me! Two dogs and three cats.. yes I might have an issue. I may slowly be becoming "cat lady". As long as I turn out like Michelle Pfeiffer's "Cat Woman", I think I'll be ok. Although I may look a bit funny roaming around town in a black leather get-up. Although I would be HOT. lol

AG is becoming a dad. Things aren't as they once were. They haven't been in almost a year. Yet, knowing that I found out from someone else other than him... Yeah..... I have many words for that. However, none of which I've really spoke of yet. He has YET to say anything to me himself. Who the fuck does that? Who the fuck says nothing directly to a person who was "like" their closest friend. I have learned that things are not always as they seem. Even with those you are closest with...

WHEN will I learn who my true friends are?

This is something I've pondered very long and hard this year. Especially since this summer. I have an idea of who my true friends are, yet like AG, who I "thought" was one of my best friends, things are not always as they seem. How do you determine who is a true friend? He had actually told another co-worker who my family has been close to instead of telling me. That says SOOOOOOO much. I have a ton of things that I'd like to say to him but why? Why give him the satisfaction? Why bother? He just walks on egg shells around me. He knows why I'm upset yet still hasn't addressed it. Seems stupid if you ask me. A simple "Hey I'm sorry I didn't tell you myself & you found out another way" would suffice. Or how about "Hey I'm sorry I'm a lying son of a bitch who you can't trust and has kept numerous things from you over the course of our 7 year friendship". How can people be such lying sacks of shit? Lies. Over and over and over. How can they continue to lie to you after you catch them in lies and they promise not to lie to you anymore?! I honestly don't know how people sleep at night. As soon as I see him I close up. My wall is up, my mouth is closed and any friendliness that I've felt towards people that day I literally feel being sucked back into my body and I become a very cold standoffish person. I'd like to punch him in the face and tell him to fuck off. I hope he has a daughter. I also hope he gains a conscience. Sometimes (more often than not) I wish I'd never met him. I find this sad as for many years I confided so much of my life into this person. We shared a lot. Thoughts, feelings, ambitions, goals... Lies. It was all one big mother fucking lie. Cock sucker.

So... many things have changed in my life. Primarily bc of AG and partly bc of another Fucktard in my life. Mostly because of lies that they have both told. They have both made me feel that I'm this horrible person. They had me questioning who I am. Questioning what I stand for. Qeustioning my actions. In the end, I know I'm a good person. I know that I'm the first one to offer a helping hand when needed. Offer the shirt off my back. Offer myself up to help with something even if I don't want to because I know it's important to that person. I started looking back. I started realizing who has been there for me and who hasn't. The list isn't quite as long as I'd thought. I always thought I had a small handfull of friends that I could rely on and trust and you know... I don't. I don't have those people. I have those people "sometimes". They have me all the time. I quit asking people to do things, I quit calling people...

Another realization- I'm single. (Duh) Single people don't get asked to do things nearly as often as couples. I have an interest in a co-worker that I took home in a drunken stupor after our Christmas party a few weekends ago and boy do the people come right out of the woodwork!!! Hey, we should get togehter & do something. All 4 (or 6) of us. Really? Fuck you people. I'm not good enough when I'm a "single" but now that I could potentially be part of a couple I'm good enough? Yeah, fuck you too. But whose the first one they call when they need to bitch about their SO? Yep, yours truly. Imagine that? I'm not good enough to call to say "Hey lets do this or that" but bwaaaah I wanna cry on your shoulder because I'm sad because my boyfriends a dick. Yeah, fuuuuuuuck you.

I need a vacation. A sunny, warm, tropical vacation. Away from these people. Away from everyone & everything here to regroup so I can slowly become megabitch again over the next.... well till I go on another vacation. This year has been the year of "I'm going to hop on an airplane & go xx for xx hours and then come home". Vegas, Atlanta, Green Bay, and various cities in my state... Hell I'm just happy to get the hell out of here even if it's for 12 hours and get away from this life and people that surround it.

I need a hobby... And a vacation... Not really in that order.

I need to try new things in the new year. I need to try to commit to something. I think I have a phobia of commitment. There must be a word for that... Commitmentphobia... imagine that?! Thank God for Google. See... not even THAT can be interesting!!! I am soooooooooooooooooooooooo boring.

Happiness

On my way to work today, the sky was starting to lighten, you could start to see the blue of the sky but far off in the distance there were big puffy white clouds on top of the mountains. I thought about what a nice picture that would be. I take a lot of pictures but until today I never thought about "why". I take them because normally, at that point in time, I find happiness in whatever I'm seeing through the screen on the camera. Something that I would like to see again later.

Just a simple thought...

Hello Friends

Or lack there of!

I remember a time when I had people that actually read my blog. Maybe thats what kept me writing? Maybe not. Maybe I just had more to write about back then. Have I become boring????

Seasons are changing here. It's amazing how the leaves have turned in such a short time. It might be a good weekend for a drive to the tip of the peninsula. Gorgeous colors surrounded by the blue of the water. Perfect!

Bug's birthday is Friday. We were supposed to be out of town for a friends wedding but due to unforseen circumstances, that's not happening now. We'll have to come up with something fun to do instead. Of course I have to make cupcakes for school Friday!

I need to start working out. I want Audrina Patridge's body. Perfection! Either that or take the easy way out & meet me a good plastic surgeon!!!

Debating on Halloween costumes. I'm really not into it this year. Not like I normally am. Idk what it is.

Had a blind date set up. He pretty much ditched me. I sent a rather... to the point email afterwards. I should have let it go but you dont email someone at the time they're supposed to be getting out of work on the day you're supposed to meet them, to tell them you can't make it. I'm guessing there's a bit more to the story. He's very newly divorced so I'm thinking that has a lot to do with it. I've apologized but apparently that wasn't good enough. Maybe he's a dick & that's why he's divorced? Who the hell knows? Some day I'll find Prince Charming. Until then I'll just keep kissing frogs.

Later bitches!

Camping, beer & douchbags

Went with the girls last night, pulled my neighbors camper out to another neighbors lakefront property to spend the night. We had stopped at a local bar on our way and had a few beers. Finally got out to the property and had a few with the girls there. An altercation broke out between the neighbors & I suggested to one we take a ride, which we did.

Ended up back in town at a different bar, had a few beers, rolled the dice & won a 6 pack! I *never* win anything! While in this bar 3 guys from out of town came in and I up a conversation with one. Super nice guy, said he's divorced with 2 boys. I gave him my number and away they went. They were headed to a different bar to see their friends that were playing in a band.

We headed back out to the lake and things had calmed down out there. Good times. The guys ended up calling so I met them at a bar and brought them back to the lake for a bit. He asked to see me again before he left & kissed me. Called at 430am when he got home... (lives about an hour, hour & a half away).

Today my phone rings.... "Hi Lolita, this is Katie, Josh's girlfriend, please call me back".

Ugh. WHY ME!?

She called three times. I finally text'd her and explained things and she called me back. I explained to hear what happened. Idk who to believe. Needless to say I haven't heard from him today... stupid asshole men! WHY can I NEVER meet a nice guy?! All I can think is that I'm just destined for someone better to eventually come along.

I have always said, I can attract any asshole, douchebag, cheater, or psycho within a 100 mile radius. Last night proved I still apparently have the gift.

Losers.

Weekend Update

Nothing new to report really. Had a nice weekend with some friends. Went on the neighbors boat on Friday night after work for a bit. Just out into the bay. Saturday we spent pretty much all day out there and took a trip up to the canal. There are some *gorgeous* homes along the canal. I'm very fortunate to be able to live here. Maybe not so much in the winter but definitely in the summer. Although I guess instead of elsewhere in the states, all we have to worry about are snow & blizzards. Because of the lake I have never seen a tornado here, maybe a small one out in the woods away from the lake but no tornado's, hurricanes etc.

I remember when I lived away from here and would come back to visit, how it awe I was with the lake. It truly is breathtaking.

Talked to Bug tonight. She's still having fun and not ready to come home. 3 weeks & 1 day down and 4 weeks and 6 days to go... not that I'm counting or anything.... I just seem very lost this year without her.

Next weekend is girls weekend with some friends on the property they have on the lake. Should be fun. My neighbor has a camper that she's going to pull out there so we don't have to sleep in tents. Damn mosquito's would eat me alive! Should be a good time. Next Monday is my birthday although I have no plans. A few girls & I bought tickets to see Brett Michaels & Vince Niel in concert so we'll do that later in the week. That should be interesting! I haven't been back to the town the concert is in in many years. One of the girls & I used to live there after we graduated high school and I was based there after that with the airline I used to work for. I'm sure it'll bring back some memories for sure! We'll have a great time. Now I need to find something cute to wear & grab my cowgirl hat!

I'll leave you with some pics from the weekend...