sorry

Sorry I haven't been around. To my 1 reader. i'm drunk

I moved i'll write more later.

My Erotic Personality...

Go figure on this. At first I was actually kind of shocked at my results but now I totally agree. I can see where I get off on the danger and excitement of it all! :)

I took Sage Vivant's Erotic Personality Quiz and discovered I'm a Risk-Taker!

The Risk-Taker needs an adrenaline rush to know sexual excitement. If it’s verboten, The Risk-Taker is first in line to give it a try. Defying social conventions turns this erotic type on like nothing else. If it’s liable to get them fired, divorced, or ex-communicated, their sexual juices flow fast and furious. They’re not likely to “listen to reason” because level-headedness is at odds with their needs. Most of them practice some form of this risky business in their daily lives, but some of them only fantasize about it. Either way, it is the notion that intrigues them above all others. Danger is an aphrodisiac to The Risk-Taker, and they are drawn to it regardless of the consequences.

What is your Erotic Personality? Find out now.

Slack ass

Well I see I've been slacking on this blog too.... Actually I think I've posted more recently on this one than the other but... IDK. I guess life just hasn't been that interesting....

YA RIGHT!

I have no idea where I left off...

Things will soon get easier. George is moving closer. Thank God!

I hate when I'm not with him. I really do. He makes me very happy. I'm also *trying* to stay very level-headed.... Key word *trying*. It's very hard.

I often think about how things will change... Maybe things sound good right now but will they be? Will be possibly decide that it's too much too soon? I guess anything is possible. All I can do is not give up hope.

We watched the meteor shower together on his back deck. All we did was laugh. Ok, that wasn't *all* we did but... We just had such a good time. It was cold. The nights are getting very chilly around here which sucks. He brought out the sleeping bag and we snuggled up in it and watched for the shooting stars. I didn't have wishes to make however, because at that moment, I didn't have anything to wish for, for I already had it all. I had everything that I wanted.

Anyone who knows me know that I over-think things. I dwell on things. Or maybe it's just that I analyze things. And I do. I know that I do. Lately my mind has been wandering back to every time I'd seen George. I've always had a "thing" for him. Always. For years. I walked up to him many years ago in the bar and proceeded to tell him that I knew who he was, where he lived, who he had dated etc. Uh hmmm... Can you say FREAK!? I dont' know what I'd have done if someone did that to me. I'm really not sure. All I remember is that I felt *SO* dumb. Seriously. DUMB. See, he dated a girl that I went to school with for about 6 years. Shortly after they broke up is when I think I'd cornered him in the bar. I still to this day don't know why I did that. I'm not the type of chick that will walk up to anyone in the bar. Especially someone that I don't know. Now if I'm loaded, of course that's a different story, but that day I wasn't. I can still remember where my friends and I were sitting. I can remember my conversation with him and the crazy look he gave me. I remember ending the conversation and where he went back to sit in the bar. The next thing I know, he's with some cute blonde in the pharmacy when I worked there. I remember them walking in. I remember being flabbergasted and confused. I remember not ever seeing her before but how happy they both looked. I remember what prescription they were getting filled and his arm around her waist. I'm really not sure why I so vividly remember these things. Especially about someone that I didn't know very well.

He married her. He broke up with his girlfriend of 6 years and married the cute blonde. I think they dated for maybe 4 months before getting engaged and were married by 6 months of being together.

She used to be very happy and carefree. Or that's how she seemed to me. I hadn't really talked to her in those years that passed. I'd see him in the bar quite a bit. We'd always give each other knowing looks and maybe say a few words but not too much. Until the night I decided to be "really" honest with him again.

Yes, it was another bar night. I was table dancing that night. I was in prime form. I decided that I should talk to him and his friend. I decided to tell him what I thought about him, what I was capable of doing to him etc.... Ya, one of *those* nights.... It was nice. Of course at this point we had been friends. A different night in another bar he had given me his email address for one reason or another and we'd been emailing back and forth. Of course Monday morning there was a nice email from him.... Talk about being MORTIFIED!!!!! All I could do was shake my head and slouch in my chair at work from embarrassment.

We've emailed for a couple of years now. Completely innocent. We play off of each other when we run into each other. We're both huge flirts so it's soooooo much fun!

He and the blonde ended up having issues. To me, she isn't the happy-go-lucky person that she once was. We were out for one of his co-workers and my friends birthday parties a couple months back. She met him down there later that night. I tried my damnest to hold a conversation with her and I just couldn't. Now, I can talk to just about anyone without a problem. With her I couldn't. She's just not very personable. Or maybe it was just me? I don't know. I ran into them again another time after that. Well actually it was Thirsty Thursday and he and I were both there with some mutual friends. He was supposed to be home around 6pm. Well 6p came and went and we made him call her. Actually, another guy that was with us called her to come down. George ended up calling her back or getting on the phone with her. We figured we'd invite her down. She came and had a drink with us. She wasn't happy but she did. She and I talked a bit that night. I'd tried talking her into getting a tattoo with us that following week but she was uncertain as her sister was due to be induced and she wanted to be there. Understandable. I asked her when they were going to have a baby of their own and she explained that she was ready but he wasn't. Throughout the next couple of hours she became quite upset. She wanted to leave and she wanted him to leave with her. He was playing pool and wasn't ready to leave. She warned him that no matter what time he got home he "WILL be outside working on the deck". He shrugged her off. I think this was the point where I realized that they "really" had problems. I knew beforehand but I think it was that point that it really hit me. Wow. Not long after, she went home.

That was a couple of months ago. Since then he has asked her for a divorce. She's beside herself. I would be too. I think he pretty much hit her with a Mack truck. I don't think she saw it coming. Or maybe she did and maybe she didn't WANT to see it. I know that I wouldn't.

The question is, how much can you really know someone in four months? Do you know them well enough to get married to them? A couple of my co-workers did this. Within 4-7 months of meeting someone they got married. One is happily married and moved near her VERY large, VERY Catholic family. They were married maybe 3+ years ago and have a baby that must be going on 2-2 1/2 by now. Another guy met a girl and was married within maybe 5 months. They have a little girl that is 1 1/2 maybe and have another on the way due around Halloween. Then another met a girl and was married within about 3-4 months. He doesn't plan on having children. She relocated here to be with him. I can't remember where she's from.... Anyway, I guess that it's possible for these couples to survive but why? Why would they make it and George & the cute blonde wouldn't?

In my eyes it's the newness of it. In every new relationship you're in with someone, it seems that you have *so* much in common. You have the "newness". You have the excitement of being with someone new. You don't want to argue with them so you give in over the littlest things. Until you get settled. Once you get settled the disagreements start. You learn things about the other person that you were blinded by before. Or things that you overlooked. Maybe because you wanted to and maybe because you just didn't notice. Every relationship has this stage. It'll make or break it for you.

I don't believe in sugar coating. *This* is who I am. I'm not perfect, I make my share of mistakes. I'm a slob. My hair isn't always done. I'm not always wearing makeup and my nails are rarely painted. My dishes might stay in the sink for a couple days, my legs aren't always shaved. *This* is who I am. I will never pretend to be someone I'm not. Why fall in love with someone only to figure out months down the line that that is not really who they are?

So... he is moving. He and I have talked in depth about things. We have met on occasion. We care for each other. I believe we are both falling in love.

However, I'm still very scared. I'm scared because he's been with someone for roughly 10 years. And I don't really know his story before he was with my old classmate. Although I know he was in college so I can only imagine! :) Maybe when all is said and done, he'll decide that he needs time to himself? Maybe he'll decide that he wants to be with me? Anything is possible. I'm trying to stay a bit guarded so that I am prepared for whatever happens. I don't want my heart broken again. I don't WANT to fall in love with him until I know that it's safe. Sure, he reassures me over and over in his own way but... I'm still doubtful. I've never been through a divorce. I'm sure it cannot be easy to go through your house and pick what you're taking and what you're leaving. What you want and what she wants. How do you choose photographs? Things that you both cherish? The memories of things that you bought together? Whether you want a divorce or not, it cannot be easy for either party involved. I'm afraid of what that will do to him. How it will make him feel by having to leave his own home, the home that he built, the home that they built together. The memories that they must have in it... Granted that he will have it back in 9-10 months due to their agreement but it cannot be easy to sort through things and know that the vows that you took to love and cherish that person forever is over. I'm very scared. I don't know how *I* would feel. When you talk to him, you know that it's what he wants. She does not want this at all. I feel for her. I know what it's like to want to be with someone, whether the situation is good or bad, you WANT to be with them. It's hard when they don't want you back. When they don't need you back like you need them. They don't love you back in the way that you love them. I've been there. It sucks. It's the worst type of pain a person can go through. In my book anyway.

So I dont know. I dont know where this will go. I'm excited to find out. I know that his decision for this divorce was not because of me. Did I put some life back into him? Probably. I made life fun again. I showed him that there is so much out there that he's not getting. Sure, I did all of those things, but as a friend. We were always friends first. Nothing more and nothing less. Granted that yes, things have changed over time. However, what still remains the same is that he was not happy with the way that his life was.

I often wonder why we were put into the place we were. With my crush on him for so many years. Why did he finally see in me what I've seen in him for so long? I thought about it today, which for whatever reason I was thinking about my ex. He was not my type AT ALL. He's short, big nose, thin. I dont know, just nothing that I have ever been attracted to. Now George on the other hand, is everything I've always wanted. He's tall, not super thin but definately not heavy. I love his body. It's perfect. I used to think that his eyes were plain. They're not. They have so much expression to them. They say so many things. They're so sexy. He has dimples. I love dimples. His lips are very full. I love the things that he says to me. He has said things to me that I've imagined I'd hear one day but have never up until this point. The way that he says things to me. They just make me melt. His emails and IM's make my heart skip. He broke my walls down without me even knowing. I don't know how he did it or when. I guess I've always had a thing for him but... it's like a dream come true. He's just so much more than I imagined he'd be. I couldn't have ever imagined he'd be this wonderful.

I guess I feel that Fate/ God/ someone/thing brought him into my life for a reason. I don't know why. I'm not sure why. I'm excited to find out. I can't WAIT to find out!!!

Time Has Told....

I was just re-reading my last post and "time will tell" really stuck out at me... Well, time has told.

Shortly, things will be so much easier in life. I hope. I can't help but to analyze everything in life. It's what I do. It's what I'm good at. However it's also a HUGE pain in the ass!!!

I can analyze a friends situation. I can tell them things about themselves that they're suprised that I know considering they've never told me. I can give them my honest opinion on something, from my point of view, and I'm usually right on, or close to it. But when it comes to myself and the things in "my" life... forget it. I over analyze situations instead of leaving them be.

I'm an emotional person by nature. I have a heart of platinum. I'd do almost anything for anyone. It's a pro but also a con. I never hang up or leave my parents, or family in general, without telling them that I love them. If something ever happens to me or to them, I want to know that those were my last words. I want to know that they know that I love them. I don't want to regret my last words to anyone. That's how I grew up. I can't recall a time that I've ever left or hung up saying anything differently. I talk to them almost daily.

My family is odd. We are a close family in a way, yet we rarely do things together outside of holidays. We don't really have the summer picnics or the get togethers just for the hell of it. Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas--those are the times that we can count on everyone being there. Today, the first Sunday in August we always have a picnic at my Uncle's house on my dad's side of the family. That's the only time I see the majority of those people. It's just weird. I could understand if we lived in seperate towns or far away but we don't. Since I moved back, we all live in close proximity to one another...

I always wanted the big family. The happy family. The one that gets together just because they can. No, more-so, because they want to. I always imagined my life as I age surrounded by that big happy family, parents, grandparents, kids etc. I guess time will tell.

There it is again-- time will tell...

In one aspect of my life, it has told. Thursday night as I was outside with the puppy I saw a shooting star. I dont know as if I really made a wish but I do know what was on my mind at the time. I tend not to wish very often on things unless I REALLY need something but in reality I know that I'm grasping for things that normally won't come true. Wishing on a star won't bring me the things that I want-- only fate can do that. Fate is definately something I believe in. We all have a fate, a destiny. I only wish I knew what mine was...

Maybe this is the beginning of mine? Maybe my life is turning around and it's finally time for me to be happy. Finally time for me to focus on what *I* want in my life instead of my focusing on everyone else's happiness. Yet, in the same breath, I realize that I cannot control certain things in my life.

All I know is that right now. This very minute. I am happier than I have been in a very long time.

I have a friend and he brings such joy into my life. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh. He is sincere and honest and caring, even though he doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve. I look into his eyes and they tell me what I need to know. Although it's always good to hear, I'll take what I can get for the time being... because I have to. Yesterday, he told me that he's happy. I loved hearing that. I love hearing that *I* make him happy. The best thing about it all--- we were friends first. After all, isn't it important to have a friendship as a base for things? And I know, that no matter what happens, no matter what the outcome, I will still have a friend in him.

We have the sort of relationship that is honest. He is a very "closed book" type of person whereas I'm just about the complete opposite. Yet, he is comfortable telling me about things in his life. Things, that given the situation, I'm surprised that he's comfortable telling me. Yet, I'm not shocked. I'm not upset or uncomfortable... I give him my opinion as a friend would and not someone that is anything more or anything less. If I was a selfish person I'd probably answer differently but I'm not. I could not in good conscience give him my opinion as anything other than a friend. I think he has respect for that. I think he appreciates that. He tells me things that he hasn't told even his best friends. I'm very thankful that he's comfortable telling me these things. I hate seeing him torn, in turmoil, about his life... Hopefully things will get easier for him soon.

However, in the same breath I'm very scared as to how he will react in a couple of months. I'm not quite sure I know the frame of mine he's in. Yet I am. It's so hard to explain and it's probably me analyzing things instead of going with the flow. But that's what I do. I normally live my life day to day without looking too much into the future because it's so uncertain. However, when it comes to my heart, I can't help but to do that. Especially when I come to the realization that I've let my guard down and my heart is unprotected. I'm not comfortable with that. I'm not comfortable with feeling open and exposed. Well, I guess I am when I know it's reciprocated. Otherwise, if I feel I'm in limbo. I don't like that feeling. Not at all. But I have. I have let my guard down and I'm exposed. I feel naked in the middle of a blizzard. I guess time will tell as to whether I eventually feel comfortable with that. After all, I am the one that let my guard down and exposed myself.

Sometimes you have to do that in life... Sometimes you have to make sacrifices.

Update

What a night I had last night. I finally decided to go to sleep around 130a. Shut the TV off, blew out the candles, brushed my teeth and pulled the blanket back to hop into bed when I spot a big, black fucking spider run across my bed!!!!! Ugh. I tried to find it so I could kill it and acutally sleep in my own bed but I didn't have any luck. So I found a sheet and proceeded to make myself a bed on the good 'ol comfy couch in the living room--- AWAY from the spider. Ewww. So I lay down and call the dog to sleep with me. As I'm petting her ear I feel something "funny". Got up, turned the light back on and start searching. Yes folks, it was a big, fat, motherfucker of a woodtick. That bitch had to have been there for almost a week. GROSS. It was damn near the size of a dime and grey for whatever reason. Almost wrinkly. Like it'd sucked out so much blood and then ... well IDK. It was just gross. It was pruney looking. IDK. I always heard that the longer they're attached the bigger they get but this wasn't what I expected. It looked like an old 90 year old tick. Never seen one all wrinkley like that. Or grey for that matter!

I finally laid down to sleep close to 2am I think.

3am and the phone rings. It's my G. They'd just gotten back to the hotel. God it was just so nice to hear his voice. We talked about many things over the course of the next 2 hours. Things that we would like to do, where exactly we stand. Well, not exacly but the vicinity. Things are much clearer to me now as I think they are to him.

Time will tell.

I think I will drive to the airport tomorrow night and greet him. I think he'd like that.

I miss him.

Lips of an Angel

I cannot tell you how relieved I am. I got the phone call that I've been waiting for. "G" is out of town and I thought for sure that I'd hear from him last night when he got to his destination but I didn't... I was up till 2am, mostly playing on the pc but secretly hoping my phone would ring. I even slept w/ my cell on my bed so I'd hear it just in case. Pathetic huh? Ya, I thought so too. Oh well what do you do?

He finally called this evening. I cannot tell you how freaking nice it was to hear his voice. Ugh. Just brought a smile to my face right away. I can picture his smile. He has the best smile. It's cheesy. IDK how to explain. The lips, dimples, teeth and he always sticks his tongue behind his teeth. Or maybe it just seems that way, I'm not really sure. He has an infectious laugh. Totally adorable. I wish I had a recording of it to play for you. You have no idea how many times throughout my day it rings through my ears and just brings such a smile to my face. The laugh, the smile... just the way he is in general. We all have flaws and he does too but the personality soooooo makes up for it. He's just the most handsome man. Always happy. Always smiling. Always giddy. Or maybe it's just me that makes him that way? Could be... :) lol

I love the way he touches me. I love the way he talks to me. Smiles at me. Teases me. Flirts with me. And wow! Can we flirt!!! That's how it all started. Innocent flirting. Two years ago. Slowly at first and then I kept noticing him out places. We'd exchange an occasional email here and there. Always keep in touch. Eye contact when we were out. But never acted on anything.

He's my poison.

Women

Ladies, why do we do the things we do? Why is it that we may not be attracted to whomever it is that we're with and don't want to be with them... yet we don't want to let anyone else either? Why is it that we can be total bitches and despise these men but we can't let them go? Is it because we still want them to want us even though we're "done" with them? I've thought about this long and hard. I know that *I* have been in this situation but I don't have any answers. There is only one time in my life that I told someone to PLEASE go and find someone else and literally meant it. I was done. I didn't love him nor did I even like him. The sight of him made me ill and the smell of him made me nautious. I still cannot smell his cologne or someone that wears the same cologne. I remember a day that I loved the smell of it. Funny how things change over time... At one point he made me fall in love with him and over time he also made me fall out of love with him. He made me feel hate for him. How can one go from feeling so much warmth in their heart and butterflies in their stomach to feeling cold and bitter towards the same human being?

I have two situations. One has to do with a dear friend of mine that seems to have gotten married for the right reasons. Or did she? Did they do it because it was the right thing to do at the time? They bought a house and had a very sweet child. It seemed that they were so happy. That was almost three years ago. Now they've sold their house and she has moved back "home" with her parents and children for the time being. She has found a good job and they're back with their family. He is soon to follow. As of right now he's still working in their "old" town but is supposed to follow shortly... Or is he?

He tells her that he'll be here this summer, then tells her that he'll be here within the next 2 years. Now he wants to start building their house on the land that her parents gave to them on their wedding day, which has been transferred into both of their names. I think he realizes that she's at the end of her rope with him and now he's trying his best to kiss her ass and make it all better.

I met him once a few years back and again this past weekend. The first time we met I'd stayed at their house while he was gone hunting and met him the following day before I left. He'd told her that he "wasn't sure if he liked me or not". Ok, whatever. This weekend we meet up again as he's here for the weekend to see his family and I'm saying hello and being myself and he's looking at me like I'm the dumbest bitch he's ever met. Whatever jackass!!! I didn't even get a "hello" out of him. Just this blank fucking stare. You know, even if there's someone around that I meet, or say HIM for that matter, I'm not going to be a bitch, I'm going to be friendly bc this is my friends husband. Dick.

He is a jerk. From the things that she has told me about him. VERY verbally abusive to her. It's like it's ok for him to do what he wants yet SHE is not allowed. With or without the kids. I don't know what the fuck he expects her to do. He's at the "old" house, alone-- no wife, no kids, no responsibility. He took his wedding ring off some time ago bc he didn't want to wear it anymore but just this weekend noticed that she has also taken hers off. Why should she wear hers if he's not going to???

She is just not happy. Not at all. She's very confused as to what to do. I told her that she will have to think long and hard about this. No one can make this decision for her. Yet, I know in my heart that she's just over it. She's over him. They've been together roughly 11 years and probably even longer. She's in that place that I was in. She wishes that he'd find someone else so that she doesn't have to sleep with him. She's calmer when he's not around... she's just done. My advice was to sit him down and tell him EXACTLY where she's at and see what he says. See if he is willing to work on it. If he's not then it's time to walk away. But she has to make SURE that this is what she wants. Tough call. And a call that she has to make on their own.

My other friend has quite a different story. HE dated someone for 6 years. They finally broke up for whatever reason. Within 4 months he was engaged to someone else and I believe within 6 months they were married. That was nearly 4 years ago. It's the type of whirlwind relationship that every girl dreams of. Meeting "that" guy and just knowing it's right. Not even right but maybe perfect is a better word. You just *know*. There is no question that you're meant to be, no matter how much or how little time you've known each other. You're just blissfully in love and there is nothing that can ruin it because it's just "right" and you know it without any doubt in your mind. So you plan your wedding, you buy your perfect dress to go with your perfect guy for your perfect day so you can live happily ever after... or do you?

How well can you possibly know someone in 4-6 months? Surely it seems in the beginning of every new relationship that you have SO much in common. That you are just meant to be together. I know from my own past relationships, no matter how little or long I've been in a relationship I'm always learning new things about that person. It takes a long time for someone to complete someone else's sentences. And even longer to disagree with them. At the 4-6 month stage, you're stil in bliss. Throw getting engaged to that "perfect" person and planning a wedding... well that just adds to the excitement doesn't it?

And then reality sinks in...

Fast forward to the present time... They are not happy. He is not happy nor is she. He is a flirtatious person and she knew that and doesn't like it. Maybe if she'd gotten to know him a little better before getting married--- maybe she wouldn't have. One never knows. You can't go back and fix/change the past.

From what I see, I see a controlling wife. I see a man that doesn't want to deal with authority. I see someone that wants to be himself and I think that she pushes him to do the things that he does because she IS so controlling. I don't think that she appreciates what she has. Not at all. I think she takes it all for granted. He goes out when he wants. Granted that he did say last week that he could only stay for a short period of time, like an hour and we made him stay longer. However, there was a call made to her to invite her down with us, which she did take us up on. He was supposed to go home and work on the deck and didn't want to leave because they were kicking ass in pool. She was PISSED and left.

She and I talked a bit that night. She was leaving town soon because her sister was being induced and we chatted about that for a bit. I told her that having a child is the most rewarding experience in the entire world. She said that she is ready but he isn't. Personally, I think he just doesn't want any with her. They don't get along now, surely throwing a child into the mix isn't going to help things at all.

How would you greet your spouse after being gone for a week? Hug? Kiss? I missed you? What did he get? "You killed my plants!" No- "hi how are ya?" Instead, it was "You killed my plants!!". Uh.. hi honey, I missed you too..... Bitch. She pulled up and honked the horn so he goes out to greet her and the puppy and gets that. Seriously, did she honk just to bitch about the fucking plants? THEY'RE PLANTS! They're going to die anyway! Not only that but you can get them dirt cheap right now bc it's the end of season. God it's not like he forgot to feed the fucking puppy!!! Made me wonder how materialistic she really is. Those type of people drive me fucking insane. Not sure how the rest of the night went. Didn't sound like it was that great. He leaves tomorrow for the rest of the week on business. I'm guessing he's relieved. I haven't talked to him much today so I'm really not sure.

Granted that I obviously am better friends with him than I am her. I just don't understand why these two are married. I know that he loves her, he's told me many times. You cannot be with someone for that long of a time without loving them. You may not be "in" love with them anymore but you certainly do feel love for them in some form. Or is he telling me that over and over because he feels that if he repeats it that he'll believe it. Personally I think that he regrets marrying her. She's not the type of wife that he signed up for. Something happened over time. She is a very likable girl. I think she's really nice to be honest. Yet, I don't live with her either.

He has a lot to lose buy divorcing her. I don't know if that thought has crossed his mind or not but if it has I think there are many factors. He doesn't want to lose what he has. Who does? However isn't it better to take one for the team now instead of later when you've accumulated even MORE? Things could always be worse. They could have children. That is never a good thing to have if you're not happy because that just adds to the guilt of things not working. Or the "do I stay or do I go?" Not good. IDK. I'm at a loss on this one because there really isn't much I can say. I can't have an open heart to heart with him on this like I can the person I spoke about first. His situation and our friendship is very different than what I have with friend #1. I have to wait for him to say something. When he does-- how far is too far for me to go? How much is too much to ask? I just don't know because the situation is so different. I have to let things be with him and let him come out of this shell he's in all on his own. We'll see if I hear from him any more this week. Maybe i will and maybe I won't. He'll be out of town on business. I guess he'll call if he needs me... Until then, I wait,

Have I ever told you how fucking much I HATE waiting!?