Weekend Update w/ Lolita

Lucy and I decided on a night out of town. Well, in the neighboring town. I got a wild hair up my ass that I wanted a new tattoo. Decided on the Kanji/ Japanese character for "Strength" on one wrist & "courage" on the other. Consulted my friend who teaches Japanese in Australia to make sure they were correct. Well "strength" is 1 character while "courage" is 2. Hmmm... Didn't want to look lopsided. Then remembered about a year ago I thought it'd be funny to get a rabbit on my pubic bone so I could have a "pubic hare". :) There is actually symbolism behind the rabbit as well. Western Europen Rabbit Symbolism-Rabbit (Coinean) and Hare (Gèarr) are symbols of fertility, intuition, rebirth, promise, fulfillment, and balance. He is the Goddess’ creature and represents the Moon, night and dawn. is also associated with abundance, rebirth and release and is symbolic of the ‘tween times, dawn and dusk.

So I have no desire to be fertile, however I do need balance in my life and in a way I guess I feel "reborn". Or maybe in a transition to change many things in my life. I am doing things to fulfill my OWN needs now and not everyone else's for once. I wanted "strength" on my wrist to remind myself every time I doubt myself. I *am* strong. I have been through a lot & I have prevailed. I have doubted myself, I have shed many tears on the decisions that I've made, I have been tangled and torn within myself, but I always come out on top. I wanted "courage" to remind me that when I don't think I have the strength to do something- I have the courage to do it. I often times forget this and I often times doubt many of my actions. Funny, the other day as I'm explaining my tattoo theory with a childhood friend, she stopped me and said "Really? You're one of the strongest people I know". That actually shocked me bc I don't view myself being that way and I certainly didn't think she viewed me that way. Makes you wonder how people really see you & what they really think of you... At least I guess that made me think.







So anyway, we leave the ink shop & decide to go across the street for some really good (potent), big drinks. I had one. Lucy had one & a beer I think. Ran into a couple guys that I work with and then headed to another bar where I decided to "boobie dive" into Lucy's boobs. Well, little did I realize that I was farther away than what I thought. Instead of landing in her boobs I landed wedged between her & the bar. This was my result.

The color is coming out nicely today. Yesterday it was pretty faint. I have to laugh bc it takes a lot for me to bruise. I told her I have the Aurora Borealis on my arm today! Hahaha!!!! I am so special.

Back to work tomorrow. Yay. (*rolling eyes*) AG's finally back. It's nice seeing him every day again.

It's hard to believe that it's been three long years since my Grandpa passed.  I often times think about how much fun he'd have with his great grandchildren now that they're at the age to really do things.  Bug *loves* to snowshoe- one of his favorite past times.  I also bought her some cross country skis this year.  He'd have fun taking her hiking up into the mountains....  I know he's still with us in spirit but I can't help being selfish and wanting him physically here.  Like everyone else that has lost a loved one.

Bug and I went to FL last spring during her time off from school to see our Grandma. (Different side of the family.)  She has since passed as well, as of Dec 04, 2009.  She was a very special woman to many people and helped volunteer is so many ways and for so many different organizations.  She will be missed by so many people.  She was a school teacher before getting into volunteering at her various places that always kept her occupied.  I learned so many things from this spectacular woman.  Compassion and selflessness probably being the two most important things.  I'll never forget when I was around 15 and she took me to a soup kitchen w/ the Kiwanis.  That day, seeing all the people that were less fortunate than I was, really changed my life.  As a teenager with parents that didn't have a lot of money to buy my sister & I brand name clothes, I realized that day that I was so much more fortunate than those people I was serving food to.  The adults not being able to provide food on the table, the children that went without so many things that I had and took for granted.   I only went there with her once but it was enough to open my eyes.  In the area that I live, it's a very small community.  I'm sure we have homeless somewhere but you don't see them.  I cannot name one single person that is homeless here.  I know that time to time we have women and children staying at the shelter home but that is normally due to a domestic dispute of some sort.  Coming from a small community of mostly white & native american people and then going to a city where you see such a diverse group and get to meet so many different types of people fascinated me.  I know many people that have never traveled more than three hours away from here. They like to stay in their "safe zone" because they're so afraid to leave the safe confines of their home base.  It's sad really.

I will be attending a funeral later today for my Aunt's brother who drown in a local hotel's hot tub on Friday.  Very tragic.  Fortunately, they think he was drunk, passed out and never felt a thing.  Still, at 39 years old, it's a tragedy.

But, given all these depressing events that I'm writing about today, I look out my office window and see blue sky which makes me happy.  It gives me hope for brighter days and the future.  

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." -- James Dean

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Happy New Year!!!

It's a new year & I've done a lot of reflecting in the past few months. I have decided that I need to stop being a door mat for those that feel they need someone there for them only for their own benefit but opt to not help you out at all in return. Opt to not be there when you need them most. I have really learned who my true friends are. During the death of my Grandma, the ones that I "thought" would be there, the ones that I felt I could talk to and lean upon were no where to be found. I got a simple text message or a facebook message saying "I'm sorry about your Grandma". How fucking impersonal is that? When its times that you need people the most... thats when you realize how true they are to you. Especially when they know how much my Grandma meant to me. How much she taught me in my life and about life in general.

I'm grateful for the wonderful friends that I have that have showed me that they are there for me when I need them most. Whether it's a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or a pounding head to treat when I'm pissed off and yelling.

Since Oct I have reconnected with another old friend from childhood. It's nice to see how we can just pick up where we left off.

George & I are no longer together. He is another story that I don't care to blog about bc he is no longer a part of my life & honestly, I truly despise him.

So I've decided that instead of doing a life long Bucket List I am going to start one for each year. I'm going to do this instead of New Years resolutions. So far I'm doing well.

• I haven't smoked in a week (ok I cheated yesterday once but I have NO desire to smoke at all and the smoke actually drove me nuts. I'm actually a total hypocrite bc I hate smoke.
• Stop letting "friends" walk all over me. (I'm doing very good with this as well. Sucks when one has always been like a sister to you. Closer to me than my own sister.)
• Exercise. I've been doing really well. Well except in the past few days. I have been cross country skiing (bought myself & Bug a set for Christmas). I lugged the treadmill in the house & set it up. It's old but hell it's a treadmill. I have also been trying to do 30 min on the Wii fit a day. So far I'm doing well. I'm not really focused on losing weight bc I really don't need to. I'm not overweight by any means. I'd like to firm & tone. That's my goal. Since I started this the last week in Dec I have noticed a significant change in my legs, which really don't take much to tone at all. My arms & back are starting to get better but my stomach is the issue. Ick. I'm working on it though. I am going to give it a real try. For once in my life- a real try. So far I'm seeing changes but I think I should measure just to see. I did measure my waist and was floored at how big it is for my little body. No one ever believed me before. Well now I have proof! :) So I guess we'll see how things turn out. Wish me luck!!!
• Vacation. I desperately want a vacation this year. I would love another like Bug & I went last year but I'd also love one with just the girls this year. I guess we'll see what happens if she goes to her dads over Easter vacation. It's hard to just plan without anywhere for her to go while I'm gone. My parents live too far out of town to bring her to school every day. This is on the list.

I bought myself a new camera for Christmas as well. Another Nikon & I *love* it.

I had bought the other touch screen that Nikon has but it didn't do what I wanted it to. My "old" Nikon was more sophisticated than that one so I sucked it up & bought this one and boy am I glad that I did!!! It's beautiful! And yes, of course I had to get it in red. :)

I have a potential date for this weekend. But it's with a co-worker and I'm not quite sure about it. He's in the middle of a divorce, which will be done soon I think. This is the 2nd time they've filed. I think it should be more of a friend thing than anything else to be honest. I'm not sure I'm ready to date. Or maybe I'm just not that into him? I was a year ago. I thought he was really cute & all American boy type but then I got to know him and I'm just not sure. I know that he'd do anything in the world that I asked of him. I'm just not sure he's for "me". If it doesn't pan out then is it going to be weird at work? Is it going to ruin the friendship we have? Ugh... Idk. I hate those types of situations.

So with those words I shall go off to bed now. I am going to try to blog more these days. I think I need it. I feel better when I can come here & vent. Whether anyone reads it or not- I don't know and it doesn't matter.

2010 is the year for ME.

Something new...

Since I don't have much to say lately. I'm thinking maybe I'll attempt to post a picture a day for a year. We'll see if that's something I can stick to! :)

Bug's first day of school was today. She was quite excited about it. The weather has finally been half ass nice. Nothing like summer in September!!!

Sooo...

Bc I HAVEN'T been on here in forever I didn't know that I can now blog via email. How f'n cool is that?! We may be back in business people. One never knows. :)

Wow

Wow it's a been a really really long time since I've been here. Probably bc I really have nothing nice to say and too much to bitch about so I've just been keeping to myself.

Bug's been gone for a month. One down & one to go.

Summer sucks this year. WAY too cold! I need a way to find Al Gore & tell him I think his global warming stuff is a crock of shit bc it certainly hasn't affected (or is it effected?) us here!

Beer sounds good.

I like to Tweet now that I've figured out how to use it from my phone. They blocked FB from work so my phone has become my lifeline to the outside world while I'm at a desk waiting for the phone to ring.

Tomorrow is the 9 year anniversary that a dear friend of mine passed way. I miss him each and every single day.

I'm out.

Life

Not until I logged into this account today did I realize that I haven't posted in a little over 3 months. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I don't think I have anything to say but random jibberish that you've heard over and over again? I have no idea.

What is life? What is death? In the past week I have asked myself those questions many times over. I've asked why? I've gone over and over inside of my heart and mind "why"? What could I have done different? Nothing. We all have a fate. We all have a destiny. I firmly belive that when each of us are born, we're born with a "plan". We don't know it nor does anyone else.

When you go to a funeral, that person you see, laying to peacefully, so blankly.... They're not a person anymore. There is no soul there. Their personality is gone. I have yet to be at a funeral or a wake that a person actually looked like themselves. We grieve for that "person" we see laying there but that "person" is gone. Everything is gone. All that is left is their shell. It makes me wonder why people choose to do open casket when it looks nothing like the person we all know and love, yet at the same time I understand. For me, tonight was not about closure. Tonight my head was still full of random blah blah and "why?" I will never have an answer to that. No one will.

I told my Aunt this evening after someone wished her a Happy Mother's Day, "Wow, Mothers Day will never be the same" and she said "I find it fitting. He made me a mother so without him I woudn't have had mothers day and we said goodbye on Mothers Day." How does someone be so strong? I cannot fathom burying my child. I cannot imagine, nor do I really want to. Here you have this woman saying things to me that make sense. SO much sense... How can a Mother be so strong? How can she find that silver lining that I have been searching for for a week? Today, I have learned more about life and being a mom than I ever have. Tonight, my Aunt taught me what being a mom is all about. I don't know how to repay her for that. I cannot begin to even type what I'm feeling.

We do things in life, we make decisions every day that impact not only ourselves but so many around us. When things happen in life we always want to place blame. We want to have a reason, we want to be able to point our fingers at someone so we have a bit of closure. I had to explain to a friend of mine today that exact thing. We want answers, however we have to undersand that there are no answers. We have to accept that. We all have minds of our own, we all make decisions on our own. No one makes them for us..... Yet people want to place blame. They HAVE to place blame. Why? Why is that?

Why? Is the most unanswered question on Earth. It is a question to which I have very few answers for.

All I hope for is that I live my life to it's utmost potential. I never want anyone in my life to ask "why?". I never want those in my life to question my feelings for them.

I explained to my daughter today that she is the reason I get up in the morning and the reason I go to bed at night. She's the reason I live. I love her more than anything in my life and I love her more than I can explain. I told her that one day she'll understand and she will remember this moment...

And I also learned today how strong people are... If only we all had that outlook on life.

Cheers Jesse! You will never know how much I love you and how much you meant to so many people!