Sunday, May 10, 2009


Not until I logged into this account today did I realize that I haven't posted in a little over 3 months. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I don't think I have anything to say but random jibberish that you've heard over and over again? I have no idea.

What is life? What is death? In the past week I have asked myself those questions many times over. I've asked why? I've gone over and over inside of my heart and mind "why"? What could I have done different? Nothing. We all have a fate. We all have a destiny. I firmly belive that when each of us are born, we're born with a "plan". We don't know it nor does anyone else.

When you go to a funeral, that person you see, laying to peacefully, so blankly.... They're not a person anymore. There is no soul there. Their personality is gone. I have yet to be at a funeral or a wake that a person actually looked like themselves. We grieve for that "person" we see laying there but that "person" is gone. Everything is gone. All that is left is their shell. It makes me wonder why people choose to do open casket when it looks nothing like the person we all know and love, yet at the same time I understand. For me, tonight was not about closure. Tonight my head was still full of random blah blah and "why?" I will never have an answer to that. No one will.

I told my Aunt this evening after someone wished her a Happy Mother's Day, "Wow, Mothers Day will never be the same" and she said "I find it fitting. He made me a mother so without him I woudn't have had mothers day and we said goodbye on Mothers Day." How does someone be so strong? I cannot fathom burying my child. I cannot imagine, nor do I really want to. Here you have this woman saying things to me that make sense. SO much sense... How can a Mother be so strong? How can she find that silver lining that I have been searching for for a week? Today, I have learned more about life and being a mom than I ever have. Tonight, my Aunt taught me what being a mom is all about. I don't know how to repay her for that. I cannot begin to even type what I'm feeling.

We do things in life, we make decisions every day that impact not only ourselves but so many around us. When things happen in life we always want to place blame. We want to have a reason, we want to be able to point our fingers at someone so we have a bit of closure. I had to explain to a friend of mine today that exact thing. We want answers, however we have to undersand that there are no answers. We have to accept that. We all have minds of our own, we all make decisions on our own. No one makes them for us..... Yet people want to place blame. They HAVE to place blame. Why? Why is that?

Why? Is the most unanswered question on Earth. It is a question to which I have very few answers for.

All I hope for is that I live my life to it's utmost potential. I never want anyone in my life to ask "why?". I never want those in my life to question my feelings for them.

I explained to my daughter today that she is the reason I get up in the morning and the reason I go to bed at night. She's the reason I live. I love her more than anything in my life and I love her more than I can explain. I told her that one day she'll understand and she will remember this moment...

And I also learned today how strong people are... If only we all had that outlook on life.

Cheers Jesse! You will never know how much I love you and how much you meant to so many people!