Thursday, July 26, 2007


What a night I had last night. I finally decided to go to sleep around 130a. Shut the TV off, blew out the candles, brushed my teeth and pulled the blanket back to hop into bed when I spot a big, black fucking spider run across my bed!!!!! Ugh. I tried to find it so I could kill it and acutally sleep in my own bed but I didn't have any luck. So I found a sheet and proceeded to make myself a bed on the good 'ol comfy couch in the living room--- AWAY from the spider. Ewww. So I lay down and call the dog to sleep with me. As I'm petting her ear I feel something "funny". Got up, turned the light back on and start searching. Yes folks, it was a big, fat, motherfucker of a woodtick. That bitch had to have been there for almost a week. GROSS. It was damn near the size of a dime and grey for whatever reason. Almost wrinkly. Like it'd sucked out so much blood and then ... well IDK. It was just gross. It was pruney looking. IDK. I always heard that the longer they're attached the bigger they get but this wasn't what I expected. It looked like an old 90 year old tick. Never seen one all wrinkley like that. Or grey for that matter!

I finally laid down to sleep close to 2am I think.

3am and the phone rings. It's my G. They'd just gotten back to the hotel. God it was just so nice to hear his voice. We talked about many things over the course of the next 2 hours. Things that we would like to do, where exactly we stand. Well, not exacly but the vicinity. Things are much clearer to me now as I think they are to him.

Time will tell.

I think I will drive to the airport tomorrow night and greet him. I think he'd like that.

I miss him.

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Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Lips of an Angel

I cannot tell you how relieved I am. I got the phone call that I've been waiting for. "G" is out of town and I thought for sure that I'd hear from him last night when he got to his destination but I didn't... I was up till 2am, mostly playing on the pc but secretly hoping my phone would ring. I even slept w/ my cell on my bed so I'd hear it just in case. Pathetic huh? Ya, I thought so too. Oh well what do you do?

He finally called this evening. I cannot tell you how freaking nice it was to hear his voice. Ugh. Just brought a smile to my face right away. I can picture his smile. He has the best smile. It's cheesy. IDK how to explain. The lips, dimples, teeth and he always sticks his tongue behind his teeth. Or maybe it just seems that way, I'm not really sure. He has an infectious laugh. Totally adorable. I wish I had a recording of it to play for you. You have no idea how many times throughout my day it rings through my ears and just brings such a smile to my face. The laugh, the smile... just the way he is in general. We all have flaws and he does too but the personality soooooo makes up for it. He's just the most handsome man. Always happy. Always smiling. Always giddy. Or maybe it's just me that makes him that way? Could be... :) lol

I love the way he touches me. I love the way he talks to me. Smiles at me. Teases me. Flirts with me. And wow! Can we flirt!!! That's how it all started. Innocent flirting. Two years ago. Slowly at first and then I kept noticing him out places. We'd exchange an occasional email here and there. Always keep in touch. Eye contact when we were out. But never acted on anything.

He's my poison.

Monday, July 23, 2007


Ladies, why do we do the things we do? Why is it that we may not be attracted to whomever it is that we're with and don't want to be with them... yet we don't want to let anyone else either? Why is it that we can be total bitches and despise these men but we can't let them go? Is it because we still want them to want us even though we're "done" with them? I've thought about this long and hard. I know that *I* have been in this situation but I don't have any answers. There is only one time in my life that I told someone to PLEASE go and find someone else and literally meant it. I was done. I didn't love him nor did I even like him. The sight of him made me ill and the smell of him made me nautious. I still cannot smell his cologne or someone that wears the same cologne. I remember a day that I loved the smell of it. Funny how things change over time... At one point he made me fall in love with him and over time he also made me fall out of love with him. He made me feel hate for him. How can one go from feeling so much warmth in their heart and butterflies in their stomach to feeling cold and bitter towards the same human being?

I have two situations. One has to do with a dear friend of mine that seems to have gotten married for the right reasons. Or did she? Did they do it because it was the right thing to do at the time? They bought a house and had a very sweet child. It seemed that they were so happy. That was almost three years ago. Now they've sold their house and she has moved back "home" with her parents and children for the time being. She has found a good job and they're back with their family. He is soon to follow. As of right now he's still working in their "old" town but is supposed to follow shortly... Or is he?

He tells her that he'll be here this summer, then tells her that he'll be here within the next 2 years. Now he wants to start building their house on the land that her parents gave to them on their wedding day, which has been transferred into both of their names. I think he realizes that she's at the end of her rope with him and now he's trying his best to kiss her ass and make it all better.

I met him once a few years back and again this past weekend. The first time we met I'd stayed at their house while he was gone hunting and met him the following day before I left. He'd told her that he "wasn't sure if he liked me or not". Ok, whatever. This weekend we meet up again as he's here for the weekend to see his family and I'm saying hello and being myself and he's looking at me like I'm the dumbest bitch he's ever met. Whatever jackass!!! I didn't even get a "hello" out of him. Just this blank fucking stare. You know, even if there's someone around that I meet, or say HIM for that matter, I'm not going to be a bitch, I'm going to be friendly bc this is my friends husband. Dick.

He is a jerk. From the things that she has told me about him. VERY verbally abusive to her. It's like it's ok for him to do what he wants yet SHE is not allowed. With or without the kids. I don't know what the fuck he expects her to do. He's at the "old" house, alone-- no wife, no kids, no responsibility. He took his wedding ring off some time ago bc he didn't want to wear it anymore but just this weekend noticed that she has also taken hers off. Why should she wear hers if he's not going to???

She is just not happy. Not at all. She's very confused as to what to do. I told her that she will have to think long and hard about this. No one can make this decision for her. Yet, I know in my heart that she's just over it. She's over him. They've been together roughly 11 years and probably even longer. She's in that place that I was in. She wishes that he'd find someone else so that she doesn't have to sleep with him. She's calmer when he's not around... she's just done. My advice was to sit him down and tell him EXACTLY where she's at and see what he says. See if he is willing to work on it. If he's not then it's time to walk away. But she has to make SURE that this is what she wants. Tough call. And a call that she has to make on their own.

My other friend has quite a different story. HE dated someone for 6 years. They finally broke up for whatever reason. Within 4 months he was engaged to someone else and I believe within 6 months they were married. That was nearly 4 years ago. It's the type of whirlwind relationship that every girl dreams of. Meeting "that" guy and just knowing it's right. Not even right but maybe perfect is a better word. You just *know*. There is no question that you're meant to be, no matter how much or how little time you've known each other. You're just blissfully in love and there is nothing that can ruin it because it's just "right" and you know it without any doubt in your mind. So you plan your wedding, you buy your perfect dress to go with your perfect guy for your perfect day so you can live happily ever after... or do you?

How well can you possibly know someone in 4-6 months? Surely it seems in the beginning of every new relationship that you have SO much in common. That you are just meant to be together. I know from my own past relationships, no matter how little or long I've been in a relationship I'm always learning new things about that person. It takes a long time for someone to complete someone else's sentences. And even longer to disagree with them. At the 4-6 month stage, you're stil in bliss. Throw getting engaged to that "perfect" person and planning a wedding... well that just adds to the excitement doesn't it?

And then reality sinks in...

Fast forward to the present time... They are not happy. He is not happy nor is she. He is a flirtatious person and she knew that and doesn't like it. Maybe if she'd gotten to know him a little better before getting married--- maybe she wouldn't have. One never knows. You can't go back and fix/change the past.

From what I see, I see a controlling wife. I see a man that doesn't want to deal with authority. I see someone that wants to be himself and I think that she pushes him to do the things that he does because she IS so controlling. I don't think that she appreciates what she has. Not at all. I think she takes it all for granted. He goes out when he wants. Granted that he did say last week that he could only stay for a short period of time, like an hour and we made him stay longer. However, there was a call made to her to invite her down with us, which she did take us up on. He was supposed to go home and work on the deck and didn't want to leave because they were kicking ass in pool. She was PISSED and left.

She and I talked a bit that night. She was leaving town soon because her sister was being induced and we chatted about that for a bit. I told her that having a child is the most rewarding experience in the entire world. She said that she is ready but he isn't. Personally, I think he just doesn't want any with her. They don't get along now, surely throwing a child into the mix isn't going to help things at all.

How would you greet your spouse after being gone for a week? Hug? Kiss? I missed you? What did he get? "You killed my plants!" No- "hi how are ya?" Instead, it was "You killed my plants!!". Uh.. hi honey, I missed you too..... Bitch. She pulled up and honked the horn so he goes out to greet her and the puppy and gets that. Seriously, did she honk just to bitch about the fucking plants? THEY'RE PLANTS! They're going to die anyway! Not only that but you can get them dirt cheap right now bc it's the end of season. God it's not like he forgot to feed the fucking puppy!!! Made me wonder how materialistic she really is. Those type of people drive me fucking insane. Not sure how the rest of the night went. Didn't sound like it was that great. He leaves tomorrow for the rest of the week on business. I'm guessing he's relieved. I haven't talked to him much today so I'm really not sure.

Granted that I obviously am better friends with him than I am her. I just don't understand why these two are married. I know that he loves her, he's told me many times. You cannot be with someone for that long of a time without loving them. You may not be "in" love with them anymore but you certainly do feel love for them in some form. Or is he telling me that over and over because he feels that if he repeats it that he'll believe it. Personally I think that he regrets marrying her. She's not the type of wife that he signed up for. Something happened over time. She is a very likable girl. I think she's really nice to be honest. Yet, I don't live with her either.

He has a lot to lose buy divorcing her. I don't know if that thought has crossed his mind or not but if it has I think there are many factors. He doesn't want to lose what he has. Who does? However isn't it better to take one for the team now instead of later when you've accumulated even MORE? Things could always be worse. They could have children. That is never a good thing to have if you're not happy because that just adds to the guilt of things not working. Or the "do I stay or do I go?" Not good. IDK. I'm at a loss on this one because there really isn't much I can say. I can't have an open heart to heart with him on this like I can the person I spoke about first. His situation and our friendship is very different than what I have with friend #1. I have to wait for him to say something. When he does-- how far is too far for me to go? How much is too much to ask? I just don't know because the situation is so different. I have to let things be with him and let him come out of this shell he's in all on his own. We'll see if I hear from him any more this week. Maybe i will and maybe I won't. He'll be out of town on business. I guess he'll call if he needs me... Until then, I wait,

Have I ever told you how fucking much I HATE waiting!?

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Day of Truths

Well maybe not quite "truths". But a day of maybe/possibly answering all of my unanswered questions....

I have a wonderful gift of doing things that I shouldn't do and not being able to control myself. Not matter how right or wrong it is. Although I guess there's always some "right" in wrong and vice versa, depending on which end you're on and how you look at it.

I did something that I wasn't supposed to do. I met someone I wasn't supposed to meet. He called when he wasn't supposed to call. And now tomorrow we'll see if he does what he's supposed to do.

...Or maybe what it is what I *want* him to do. Deep down, I'm fairly certain that I'll hear from him. I hate to sound vain but it's one of those things that no matter how hard we try we cannot resist each other. I'm really not sure that it can be done and I'm not sure that I want it to be done. I don't WANT to resist him. It's not just a sexual thing. We've done this on and off for 4-5 years now. Well, *I* have. I cornered him once and said a bunch of things when he really had no idea who I was (I don't think anyway... I'll have to ask him) He was actually a friend of a friend at that time. Hadn't run into him for a year or so and did it again, only this time I was drunk, dancing on tables and more than willing to tell him everything that I'd like to do to him. This coming from a drunken table dancer to someone that I don't really know but get an occasional email from... This coming from someone that at times, has a hard time telling my significant other what exactly it is that I expect/want from them. Yet, with this individual, I have no issues. Why is that? Why am I so comfortable around him? Why is it that I can be 100% open and honest with him? Why do I feel that I want to flip myself inside out and totally expose everything that is my being when I'm around him? I have been asking myself these questions and I don't have any answers.

The funny thing is that *I* control myself. These times that aren't supposed to be... They haven't been my idea. They've been his idea. Not that I've resisted because I haven't. Not in the least. I have put on the brakes when need be and floored the gas too.

This is what happens when you put two people together that have an overwhelming desire to flirt and you play off of each other like children in a moon bounce at a carnival... because you can, and because you're just so fucking good at it that you can't NOT do it. It's like when you're a small child and you know that your dad has a stack of Playboy's that he has hidden because he doesn't want you to find them, only you do and you sneak a peek when no one is looking because you're curious as to what an adult female body looks like. You realize you're not supposed to be peeking but you do anyway. Half of the fun is getting caught because you can't resist yourself.

Why is it that you always desire what you cannot have? Is it because people settle? Is it because they jump the gun and don't take the time to be fully aware of what they're looking for? Why is it that most people want the complete opposite of what they already have? Why do they say things over and over again when you can see right through it? Is it so that they can hear themselves say it? Do they think the more repetitive they are the more likely they are to believe themselves when deep down inside they know that it's not truly what they believe? Which in turn is why they can't resist themselves?

I hate not being in control and in a sense I've totally lost control. Not that I'm sure I ever had it to begin with. Actually... the more I think about it... No one is in control. Our emotions have taken over... But is it emotion on both ends? Is it sexual desire? If it is, why does he admit that he thinks about me daily....

Oh fuck. I can analyze this up and down and side to side and I will still end up with an empty box. I'll still end up blank. I will still know the same thing as I do now. Hopefully tomorrow my mind will be put at ease. Deep down inside, I think I know. But I also have doubt. IDK, things changed.... It's hard to say. I guess I should sleep on it until tomorrow.


A New Start

I've created this blog in order for me to be 100% myself. The dumbass that I am, had blogged at work. Not a smart thing to do when you work for an INTERNET provider with a bunch of computer nerds. Needless to say, they got the address and knowing at least one of them (who would never judge me) was reading my most deepest thoughts and feelings, I sort of stopped blogging on it. I'd rather average Joe's and Jane's read it. People that don't know me and aren't out to judge me. This will be a challenge for me as I'm always scared that people will find things and then learn the things about me that I didn't want them to know. I'm afraid of weaving a web that I can't get myself out of. Mostly, I think I'm afraid of being exposed. I'm a very extroverted person my nature, but there are some things that I don't want people to know about me. I'm sure you'll learn this as I continue to write...