Wednesday, August 22, 2007

My Erotic Personality...

Go figure on this. At first I was actually kind of shocked at my results but now I totally agree. I can see where I get off on the danger and excitement of it all! :)

My Erotic Personality is The Risk-Taker. Take the Erotic Personality Quiz on and discover yours!I took Sage Vivant's Erotic Personality Quiz and discovered I'm a Risk-Taker!

The Risk-Taker needs an adrenaline rush to know sexual excitement. If it’s verboten, The Risk-Taker is first in line to give it a try. Defying social conventions turns this erotic type on like nothing else. If it’s liable to get them fired, divorced, or ex-communicated, their sexual juices flow fast and furious. They’re not likely to “listen to reason” because level-headedness is at odds with their needs. Most of them practice some form of this risky business in their daily lives, but some of them only fantasize about it. Either way, it is the notion that intrigues them above all others. Danger is an aphrodisiac to The Risk-Taker, and they are drawn to it regardless of the consequences.

What is your Erotic Personality? Find out now.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Slack ass

Well I see I've been slacking on this blog too.... Actually I think I've posted more recently on this one than the other but... IDK. I guess life just hasn't been that interesting....


I have no idea where I left off...

Things will soon get easier. George is moving closer. Thank God!

I hate when I'm not with him. I really do. He makes me very happy. I'm also *trying* to stay very level-headed.... Key word *trying*. It's very hard.

I often think about how things will change... Maybe things sound good right now but will they be? Will be possibly decide that it's too much too soon? I guess anything is possible. All I can do is not give up hope.

We watched the meteor shower together on his back deck. All we did was laugh. Ok, that wasn't *all* we did but... We just had such a good time. It was cold. The nights are getting very chilly around here which sucks. He brought out the sleeping bag and we snuggled up in it and watched for the shooting stars. I didn't have wishes to make however, because at that moment, I didn't have anything to wish for, for I already had it all. I had everything that I wanted.

Anyone who knows me know that I over-think things. I dwell on things. Or maybe it's just that I analyze things. And I do. I know that I do. Lately my mind has been wandering back to every time I'd seen George. I've always had a "thing" for him. Always. For years. I walked up to him many years ago in the bar and proceeded to tell him that I knew who he was, where he lived, who he had dated etc. Uh hmmm... Can you say FREAK!? I dont' know what I'd have done if someone did that to me. I'm really not sure. All I remember is that I felt *SO* dumb. Seriously. DUMB. See, he dated a girl that I went to school with for about 6 years. Shortly after they broke up is when I think I'd cornered him in the bar. I still to this day don't know why I did that. I'm not the type of chick that will walk up to anyone in the bar. Especially someone that I don't know. Now if I'm loaded, of course that's a different story, but that day I wasn't. I can still remember where my friends and I were sitting. I can remember my conversation with him and the crazy look he gave me. I remember ending the conversation and where he went back to sit in the bar. The next thing I know, he's with some cute blonde in the pharmacy when I worked there. I remember them walking in. I remember being flabbergasted and confused. I remember not ever seeing her before but how happy they both looked. I remember what prescription they were getting filled and his arm around her waist. I'm really not sure why I so vividly remember these things. Especially about someone that I didn't know very well.

He married her. He broke up with his girlfriend of 6 years and married the cute blonde. I think they dated for maybe 4 months before getting engaged and were married by 6 months of being together.

She used to be very happy and carefree. Or that's how she seemed to me. I hadn't really talked to her in those years that passed. I'd see him in the bar quite a bit. We'd always give each other knowing looks and maybe say a few words but not too much. Until the night I decided to be "really" honest with him again.

Yes, it was another bar night. I was table dancing that night. I was in prime form. I decided that I should talk to him and his friend. I decided to tell him what I thought about him, what I was capable of doing to him etc.... Ya, one of *those* nights.... It was nice. Of course at this point we had been friends. A different night in another bar he had given me his email address for one reason or another and we'd been emailing back and forth. Of course Monday morning there was a nice email from him.... Talk about being MORTIFIED!!!!! All I could do was shake my head and slouch in my chair at work from embarrassment.

We've emailed for a couple of years now. Completely innocent. We play off of each other when we run into each other. We're both huge flirts so it's soooooo much fun!

He and the blonde ended up having issues. To me, she isn't the happy-go-lucky person that she once was. We were out for one of his co-workers and my friends birthday parties a couple months back. She met him down there later that night. I tried my damnest to hold a conversation with her and I just couldn't. Now, I can talk to just about anyone without a problem. With her I couldn't. She's just not very personable. Or maybe it was just me? I don't know. I ran into them again another time after that. Well actually it was Thirsty Thursday and he and I were both there with some mutual friends. He was supposed to be home around 6pm. Well 6p came and went and we made him call her. Actually, another guy that was with us called her to come down. George ended up calling her back or getting on the phone with her. We figured we'd invite her down. She came and had a drink with us. She wasn't happy but she did. She and I talked a bit that night. I'd tried talking her into getting a tattoo with us that following week but she was uncertain as her sister was due to be induced and she wanted to be there. Understandable. I asked her when they were going to have a baby of their own and she explained that she was ready but he wasn't. Throughout the next couple of hours she became quite upset. She wanted to leave and she wanted him to leave with her. He was playing pool and wasn't ready to leave. She warned him that no matter what time he got home he "WILL be outside working on the deck". He shrugged her off. I think this was the point where I realized that they "really" had problems. I knew beforehand but I think it was that point that it really hit me. Wow. Not long after, she went home.

That was a couple of months ago. Since then he has asked her for a divorce. She's beside herself. I would be too. I think he pretty much hit her with a Mack truck. I don't think she saw it coming. Or maybe she did and maybe she didn't WANT to see it. I know that I wouldn't.

The question is, how much can you really know someone in four months? Do you know them well enough to get married to them? A couple of my co-workers did this. Within 4-7 months of meeting someone they got married. One is happily married and moved near her VERY large, VERY Catholic family. They were married maybe 3+ years ago and have a baby that must be going on 2-2 1/2 by now. Another guy met a girl and was married within maybe 5 months. They have a little girl that is 1 1/2 maybe and have another on the way due around Halloween. Then another met a girl and was married within about 3-4 months. He doesn't plan on having children. She relocated here to be with him. I can't remember where she's from.... Anyway, I guess that it's possible for these couples to survive but why? Why would they make it and George & the cute blonde wouldn't?

In my eyes it's the newness of it. In every new relationship you're in with someone, it seems that you have *so* much in common. You have the "newness". You have the excitement of being with someone new. You don't want to argue with them so you give in over the littlest things. Until you get settled. Once you get settled the disagreements start. You learn things about the other person that you were blinded by before. Or things that you overlooked. Maybe because you wanted to and maybe because you just didn't notice. Every relationship has this stage. It'll make or break it for you.

I don't believe in sugar coating. *This* is who I am. I'm not perfect, I make my share of mistakes. I'm a slob. My hair isn't always done. I'm not always wearing makeup and my nails are rarely painted. My dishes might stay in the sink for a couple days, my legs aren't always shaved. *This* is who I am. I will never pretend to be someone I'm not. Why fall in love with someone only to figure out months down the line that that is not really who they are?

So... he is moving. He and I have talked in depth about things. We have met on occasion. We care for each other. I believe we are both falling in love.

However, I'm still very scared. I'm scared because he's been with someone for roughly 10 years. And I don't really know his story before he was with my old classmate. Although I know he was in college so I can only imagine! :) Maybe when all is said and done, he'll decide that he needs time to himself? Maybe he'll decide that he wants to be with me? Anything is possible. I'm trying to stay a bit guarded so that I am prepared for whatever happens. I don't want my heart broken again. I don't WANT to fall in love with him until I know that it's safe. Sure, he reassures me over and over in his own way but... I'm still doubtful. I've never been through a divorce. I'm sure it cannot be easy to go through your house and pick what you're taking and what you're leaving. What you want and what she wants. How do you choose photographs? Things that you both cherish? The memories of things that you bought together? Whether you want a divorce or not, it cannot be easy for either party involved. I'm afraid of what that will do to him. How it will make him feel by having to leave his own home, the home that he built, the home that they built together. The memories that they must have in it... Granted that he will have it back in 9-10 months due to their agreement but it cannot be easy to sort through things and know that the vows that you took to love and cherish that person forever is over. I'm very scared. I don't know how *I* would feel. When you talk to him, you know that it's what he wants. She does not want this at all. I feel for her. I know what it's like to want to be with someone, whether the situation is good or bad, you WANT to be with them. It's hard when they don't want you back. When they don't need you back like you need them. They don't love you back in the way that you love them. I've been there. It sucks. It's the worst type of pain a person can go through. In my book anyway.

So I dont know. I dont know where this will go. I'm excited to find out. I know that his decision for this divorce was not because of me. Did I put some life back into him? Probably. I made life fun again. I showed him that there is so much out there that he's not getting. Sure, I did all of those things, but as a friend. We were always friends first. Nothing more and nothing less. Granted that yes, things have changed over time. However, what still remains the same is that he was not happy with the way that his life was.

I often wonder why we were put into the place we were. With my crush on him for so many years. Why did he finally see in me what I've seen in him for so long? I thought about it today, which for whatever reason I was thinking about my ex. He was not my type AT ALL. He's short, big nose, thin. I dont know, just nothing that I have ever been attracted to. Now George on the other hand, is everything I've always wanted. He's tall, not super thin but definately not heavy. I love his body. It's perfect. I used to think that his eyes were plain. They're not. They have so much expression to them. They say so many things. They're so sexy. He has dimples. I love dimples. His lips are very full. I love the things that he says to me. He has said things to me that I've imagined I'd hear one day but have never up until this point. The way that he says things to me. They just make me melt. His emails and IM's make my heart skip. He broke my walls down without me even knowing. I don't know how he did it or when. I guess I've always had a thing for him but... it's like a dream come true. He's just so much more than I imagined he'd be. I couldn't have ever imagined he'd be this wonderful.

I guess I feel that Fate/ God/ someone/thing brought him into my life for a reason. I don't know why. I'm not sure why. I'm excited to find out. I can't WAIT to find out!!!

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Time Has Told....

I was just re-reading my last post and "time will tell" really stuck out at me... Well, time has told.

Shortly, things will be so much easier in life. I hope. I can't help but to analyze everything in life. It's what I do. It's what I'm good at. However it's also a HUGE pain in the ass!!!

I can analyze a friends situation. I can tell them things about themselves that they're suprised that I know considering they've never told me. I can give them my honest opinion on something, from my point of view, and I'm usually right on, or close to it. But when it comes to myself and the things in "my" life... forget it. I over analyze situations instead of leaving them be.

I'm an emotional person by nature. I have a heart of platinum. I'd do almost anything for anyone. It's a pro but also a con. I never hang up or leave my parents, or family in general, without telling them that I love them. If something ever happens to me or to them, I want to know that those were my last words. I want to know that they know that I love them. I don't want to regret my last words to anyone. That's how I grew up. I can't recall a time that I've ever left or hung up saying anything differently. I talk to them almost daily.

My family is odd. We are a close family in a way, yet we rarely do things together outside of holidays. We don't really have the summer picnics or the get togethers just for the hell of it. Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas--those are the times that we can count on everyone being there. Today, the first Sunday in August we always have a picnic at my Uncle's house on my dad's side of the family. That's the only time I see the majority of those people. It's just weird. I could understand if we lived in seperate towns or far away but we don't. Since I moved back, we all live in close proximity to one another...

I always wanted the big family. The happy family. The one that gets together just because they can. No, more-so, because they want to. I always imagined my life as I age surrounded by that big happy family, parents, grandparents, kids etc. I guess time will tell.

There it is again-- time will tell...

In one aspect of my life, it has told. Thursday night as I was outside with the puppy I saw a shooting star. I dont know as if I really made a wish but I do know what was on my mind at the time. I tend not to wish very often on things unless I REALLY need something but in reality I know that I'm grasping for things that normally won't come true. Wishing on a star won't bring me the things that I want-- only fate can do that. Fate is definately something I believe in. We all have a fate, a destiny. I only wish I knew what mine was...

Maybe this is the beginning of mine? Maybe my life is turning around and it's finally time for me to be happy. Finally time for me to focus on what *I* want in my life instead of my focusing on everyone else's happiness. Yet, in the same breath, I realize that I cannot control certain things in my life.

All I know is that right now. This very minute. I am happier than I have been in a very long time.

I have a friend and he brings such joy into my life. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh. He is sincere and honest and caring, even though he doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve. I look into his eyes and they tell me what I need to know. Although it's always good to hear, I'll take what I can get for the time being... because I have to. Yesterday, he told me that he's happy. I loved hearing that. I love hearing that *I* make him happy. The best thing about it all--- we were friends first. After all, isn't it important to have a friendship as a base for things? And I know, that no matter what happens, no matter what the outcome, I will still have a friend in him.

We have the sort of relationship that is honest. He is a very "closed book" type of person whereas I'm just about the complete opposite. Yet, he is comfortable telling me about things in his life. Things, that given the situation, I'm surprised that he's comfortable telling me. Yet, I'm not shocked. I'm not upset or uncomfortable... I give him my opinion as a friend would and not someone that is anything more or anything less. If I was a selfish person I'd probably answer differently but I'm not. I could not in good conscience give him my opinion as anything other than a friend. I think he has respect for that. I think he appreciates that. He tells me things that he hasn't told even his best friends. I'm very thankful that he's comfortable telling me these things. I hate seeing him torn, in turmoil, about his life... Hopefully things will get easier for him soon.

However, in the same breath I'm very scared as to how he will react in a couple of months. I'm not quite sure I know the frame of mine he's in. Yet I am. It's so hard to explain and it's probably me analyzing things instead of going with the flow. But that's what I do. I normally live my life day to day without looking too much into the future because it's so uncertain. However, when it comes to my heart, I can't help but to do that. Especially when I come to the realization that I've let my guard down and my heart is unprotected. I'm not comfortable with that. I'm not comfortable with feeling open and exposed. Well, I guess I am when I know it's reciprocated. Otherwise, if I feel I'm in limbo. I don't like that feeling. Not at all. But I have. I have let my guard down and I'm exposed. I feel naked in the middle of a blizzard. I guess time will tell as to whether I eventually feel comfortable with that. After all, I am the one that let my guard down and exposed myself.

Sometimes you have to do that in life... Sometimes you have to make sacrifices.