Sunday, January 2, 2011

Happy New Year!!!!

I rang in the new year at home. Boring! Bug was leaving yesterday and I had a 4 hour drive to drop her off and a 4 hour drive home so it wasn't worth my time to be in a car for 8 hours with a hangover! Thankfully, after being delayed twice over the past week- she is FINALLY with her dad.

It's also time to start my 2011 Bucket List. I find that if I make one per year instead of per lifetime I actually get a lot more done. I was able to cross a few things off last year. It's nice to say that I finally met some goals. They're not big goals but instead things I'd like to do, places I'd like to see etc. It's amazing the beautiful places we have locally that I've never been to!

Another new thing abot 2011 is the possiblity of finding love. I have been so cold and closed off for so long, maybe it's time for me to allow someone back in? It's very very hard trying to be un-guarded. I opened myself up to someonee and got completely and totally shit on. He divorced and hadn't looked back so I figured things were good. Then you find out you're being lied to and screwed around on ALL.THE.TIME. Totally not cool at all. I am NOT ok with that. (Granted I don't know of many people that would be.) Fast forward....

So now I have kind of started to someone. I think enough time has passed that I can allow myself to date someone and not be suspicious of them. I had major trust issues after George. This guy I have blogged about before, I think I referred to him as Big D so we'll go with that... So Big D & I have talked and been good friends for a few years. We are co-workers and have worked together for 7 years. We've been pretty close over the past 2 and have dicussed the attraction towards one another but we were both in bad places. Me in a shitty relationship, he in a shitty marriage with 2 small children. They have filed for divorce twice, gone through with it once only to get remarried a couple months later. About 2 years ago when they were seperated is when we realized this attraction. I refused to act on it due to my situation w/ George & his marriage. I knew my relationship was over but I didn't wnat to act on something w/ Big D bc I knew I'd be using him as a crutch. A replacement. I wouldn't be acting on genuine feelings for him but rather getting the things from him that I wasn't getting in my own relationship.

I'm not a serial dater. He is. I can't date someone for two years and then start dating someone else a few months later. I have to make sure all my feelings for the "old" person are gone. Granted his situation has been very shitty. She has done things that are inexusable and things that cannot be "fixed". He's done and over it. Seeing as he & I were good friends, I have known the ins & outs of their marriage. I don't think I've ever been friends with someone like him and then attempted to date them so it's kinda weird for me. I have a huge wall up and I need to figure out how to get rid of it bc no matter how much I try... It's still there. Is it because I don't really like him in that way? Is it because I'm scared? Is it because I'm not ready? I can't figure it out bc he really *is* one of the most amazing men I have ever met in my life. He's a dad to two amazing little ones. They're 3 & 5. He pretty much has custody of them. He's probably one of the most mellow people I've ever met. He's 110% honest. About everything. I know if I asked him a question, no matter what it is, but he will give me an honest answer. No lies, no beating around the bush- just honesty. He's a good looking guy. Sweet, giving guy... so WHAT is my problem? I can't say that I don't like him bc I do. I just can't allow myself to open up completely. I am trying really hard. I had gone on a date w/ another guy that my friend tried setting me up with. I really liked talking to him, emailing him etc. I met him for a beer- physically he wasn't my type but I "thought" I liked him after meeting him. Everything else about him I was attracted to. I had to go to his town one day for something and thought he was going to meet me when I got down with my stuff, yet he called & asked me to pick him up instead and take him along... I didn't want to tell him no but that put a damper on my plans and made it weird for me. After that things kinda went downhill. He asked to do things all the time and I always find a reason to tell him no. I think he'd be a BLAST to party with- I think he'd be a great friend, but as far as a lover- no. I just don't think that'd happen. Idk.... It just makes me wonder if I am sabatoging these things myself? Is it my defense mechanism??? Honestly I really like being alone. I like having my own house, my own things, my own schedule & not having to "ask" if they mind if I can go here or there or whatever. I am fully content being single. Yet, I do sometimes find myself missing him. BUT when he's here, I'm weird. WTF?! I also have a very hard time looking him in the eye- an issue I don't have with anyone else. So... yeah, WTF?

Bug's gone this week so I guess we'll see what it brings....