I'm back...

Ok folks. I'm back. Back in the "good" frame of mind... or so I think anyway. I could be wrong. It could be a fluke. But day by day it's all getting better. Clearer. My heart still hurts but the pain eases daily. I still feel as though I have lost my best friend. I guess that's the risk you take when you decide to date a friend. For a year and a half he was my very best friend. The one that I laughed with and shared every aspect of my life with. So in a way... I feel as though I'm in mourning. He did call on Sunday. I'm not sure why. I was in the middle of gutting/rearranging/painting the pc/3rd bedroom (which is looking good I might add!)

AG leaves tomorrow. He text'd me quite a few times today. I miss him terribly. 2 months down and 10 to go I guess. It will be interesting to see what this deployment brings. I'll leave it at that for now.

I had a planning meeting last night for a family reunion! First one in 22 years!!! Heard to believe that I was Bug's age at the last one and my mom was my age! Wow. Surely there will be so many people that I haven't met or seen in years! My family is very large. My Grandpa was the youngest boy out of 10 siblings that lived. There are only 2 of them left now. The oldest girl, who I believe just turned 95 or 96? And my Grandpa who turned 86 this summer. Amazing. I'm setting up a website with the help of some friends that own a web design business around here. It's actually just a very simple free template but they're going to spruce it up for me! I have great ideas and I hope I can make them come to life! I think a family website will be a great way for the family to connect. The younger generation anyway. Most everyone now days has a computer and Internet. We rented a place outside of town on the lake to hold the reunion. It was a summer home of Henry Ford. Interesting story there because a relative of ours, George B. Selden, actually invented the car before Ford did. George had the patent first. Anyway, so we're taking the place back from Ford- if only for a weekend. It's a gorgeous house that has been bought and sold many times over the years. It's right on the lake near a sawmill that Ford owned to build his vehicles. Neat little town. There are only a few people that live there now. Literally a handful. Growing up a friend of mine and her family lived in the old school house. Or maybe it was the house that the teachers lived in? I'm not sure. Ford had constructed some school houses there which still stand today. My high school English teacher had purchased a couple of them as they were directly across from his house. He preserved everything in them. It was really a neat thing to see. There's a very old cemetery there as well as some other very very old buildings from when it was a booming little place. I would imagine they were maybe stores of some sort. Now it's nothing but a ghost town. For being a small area, we do have some history here!!!

So anyway, I'm trying to gather up information for the website and trying to get as many old pictures of the family as I can gather. I'm hoping other family members will have pictures that have been passed down to them as well and they can either email them to me or upload them directly to the site. I hope to gather a lot of information so that when I'm old and my Grandpa is gone, we will have this history to pass down generation to generation. I'm the buff in my family but I like to know where I came from ya know? I find it very intriguing!

I'm sick of snow. I'm sick of cold. Ick.

Went out for a bit on Friday night. Had a good time for the most part. A friend of mine and her daughter spent the night here so it was so nice and relaxing to have a girls night for once! I needed it to say the least. Whoa, single again!? Here we go again. Party girl come on down!!! Now I can go back to dancing on chairs and doing exactly whatever I want because damn it- no one can tell me I can't! I don't have to worry about something I say or do is going to upset or piss someone off. That's the upside! The downside is that my heart still hurts. Dumb I know but I can't ignore it either. It's all a part of healing.

Well friends, I must go and help Bug study for a test. I just gave her a break so I have to go back to helping now.

Cherri-o!

Fear

Often times I find myself blogging in my head. Thinking of things that I would write had I been sitting at a computer at the time. However, lately I find that when I sit down to blog I have nothing to say. Nothing that would interest anyone. I'm feeling a bit worthless these days.

A friend recently posted a thing on FB "25 Random Things About Me" and you know what? I tried and I cannot come up with anything interesting pr random about me. Maybe to someone who doesnt' know me- they may find me interesting. To others, I feel I'm someone that just tends to fuck of the lives of others as well as my own. Someone told me that once. "You fuck up everyone's lives you come in contact with." The older I get, the more I start to believe that. As pathetic as that is. I fear that my daughter will grow up to resent me for moving her half away around the country when I left her father. I fear that when she grows up she will leave me to move closer to him.

I can't hold a relationship if my life depended on it. They all end the same way. Do I change or do they change? Do we both change? Do we both just grow apart? I know I did change with this one. I felt I had do. I felt that after a certain point in time I couldn't be "me" anymore. He left. He's gone. *I* changed. I wasn't fun anymore. Is it possible to still have those butterflies after looking someone in the eye year after year? I fear I will never know. I fear that I will die an old lady- alone. The one that, in this small town, everyone will wonder why she never married. Was she a lesbian? Did she lose her love years ago and just not get over it? I can hear the whispers at my funeral when I'm old and gray. I fear that the only unconditional love I will ever feel is from my daughter.

My life certainly didn't turn out how I envisioned the first 1/3 of it to go. But does anyone's go according to plan?

I fear that I'm not making the most of my life. But I'm afraid to do the things I really want to do bc I'm afraid of having to start all over again. I don't want to be stuck here because there's nothing here for me but I'm afraid to leave bc where will I go? Will Bug be better off here around family & friends or somewhere new where she knows no one? I dont want to do that to her.

I question who my true friends are. Do we honestly have any true friends? There are times recently where I've felt that I really could have used a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and a heart to understand. Instead, I sit here and cry because I don't want to bother anyone with my problems out of fear that they've heard it a million times and are sick of hearing it (ok.. unless I'm drunk-- you know who you are). I probably don't blog for that same reason even though there are only about 3 people that even read this.

I need a vacation. I need to regroup myself. I need some "me" time but I don't think I know how to do that. I'm afraid if I take "me" time people will see that as me being a bad mom. Idk. I've spent so long only thinking of my daughter that I don't know how to think of myself. I don't really go anywhere w/o her, I don't buy things for myself unless I absolutely have to. I need things but I feel that she needs them more. Then again I guess that's what happens when you live paycheck to paycheck.

I guess that's all I have to say. I have a ton of thoughts running through my head but I find lately that when I get into this mood I get distant towards everyone bc I don't want to burdeon them. Everyone else has problems too and why would they want to listen to me talking like a broken record? This is me. This is my life. It's expected.

I'm positive that I am not supposed to have the happy ending, just the so-so ending.