Thursday, January 22, 2009

Fear

Often times I find myself blogging in my head. Thinking of things that I would write had I been sitting at a computer at the time. However, lately I find that when I sit down to blog I have nothing to say. Nothing that would interest anyone. I'm feeling a bit worthless these days.

A friend recently posted a thing on FB "25 Random Things About Me" and you know what? I tried and I cannot come up with anything interesting pr random about me. Maybe to someone who doesnt' know me- they may find me interesting. To others, I feel I'm someone that just tends to fuck of the lives of others as well as my own. Someone told me that once. "You fuck up everyone's lives you come in contact with." The older I get, the more I start to believe that. As pathetic as that is. I fear that my daughter will grow up to resent me for moving her half away around the country when I left her father. I fear that when she grows up she will leave me to move closer to him.

I can't hold a relationship if my life depended on it. They all end the same way. Do I change or do they change? Do we both change? Do we both just grow apart? I know I did change with this one. I felt I had do. I felt that after a certain point in time I couldn't be "me" anymore. He left. He's gone. *I* changed. I wasn't fun anymore. Is it possible to still have those butterflies after looking someone in the eye year after year? I fear I will never know. I fear that I will die an old lady- alone. The one that, in this small town, everyone will wonder why she never married. Was she a lesbian? Did she lose her love years ago and just not get over it? I can hear the whispers at my funeral when I'm old and gray. I fear that the only unconditional love I will ever feel is from my daughter.

My life certainly didn't turn out how I envisioned the first 1/3 of it to go. But does anyone's go according to plan?

I fear that I'm not making the most of my life. But I'm afraid to do the things I really want to do bc I'm afraid of having to start all over again. I don't want to be stuck here because there's nothing here for me but I'm afraid to leave bc where will I go? Will Bug be better off here around family & friends or somewhere new where she knows no one? I dont want to do that to her.

I question who my true friends are. Do we honestly have any true friends? There are times recently where I've felt that I really could have used a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and a heart to understand. Instead, I sit here and cry because I don't want to bother anyone with my problems out of fear that they've heard it a million times and are sick of hearing it (ok.. unless I'm drunk-- you know who you are). I probably don't blog for that same reason even though there are only about 3 people that even read this.

I need a vacation. I need to regroup myself. I need some "me" time but I don't think I know how to do that. I'm afraid if I take "me" time people will see that as me being a bad mom. Idk. I've spent so long only thinking of my daughter that I don't know how to think of myself. I don't really go anywhere w/o her, I don't buy things for myself unless I absolutely have to. I need things but I feel that she needs them more. Then again I guess that's what happens when you live paycheck to paycheck.

I guess that's all I have to say. I have a ton of thoughts running through my head but I find lately that when I get into this mood I get distant towards everyone bc I don't want to burdeon them. Everyone else has problems too and why would they want to listen to me talking like a broken record? This is me. This is my life. It's expected.

I'm positive that I am not supposed to have the happy ending, just the so-so ending.

3 comments:

Stiletto Reflections said...

I do that too - blog in my head or email Vix in my head, lol. I don't have magic words to make you feel better, girly. Or I'd use them on myself right now too. ;)

Vixen said...

*Everyone* deserves happiness and YOU. DO. TOO.

I promise. It comes at different times and different ways and unfortunately we can't determine it for ourselves or *make* it happen. :( I wish I could do that for you.

You do so deserve "you" time. Esp if it's effecting who you are and how you feel mentally. You know you have a place here to come to, to get away.

*hugs* girlie, you know I love you.......

Lolita said...

I love you both! xoxoxo