An ass kickin' good time

Wow. My Jillian Michaels dvd's finally arrived. OH. MY. GAWD did she kick my ass. Wow. I opted to do 'Banish Fat Boos Metabolism' and thought I was going to die. I had to opt out of a few of the things that she did. She is TOUGH to say the least! Wow. I think I still had sweat 5 minutes after I stopped! After I attempted to do that dvd I did the ab section on 'No More Trouble Zones'. Wow. I can totally understand how this could work sticking with it everyday. I physially couldnt' go on w/ the first one anymore bc I felt that if I stepped one more time my thighs were going to break right in half. And I consider my legs to be in good shape!!! It was nice to see the girls in the video sweating their asses off right with me. Wow. That's all I can say.

I did measure myself last night but I was highly bloated so I figured I'd do it again today. There was an inch difference in my sperm pouch area. Every inch counts!!! I was good today and didn't have salt or pop. I did have a cup of coffee and then drank my new Roobio tea the rest of the day, which is non caffinated. So far so good. Felt much better today and not so bloated. I think I've caught the culprit!!!

I'm going to enter my bathroom in an Ugly Bathroom Contest through our local tv station. Bc lets face it folks- it's FUGLY!

Still unsure of the issue from my rant the other day. Talk about being confused. Fuck. I got on the treadmill and then boxed & did sword fighting on the Wii. I couldn' figure out why the hell I was so sore the next day. I gave it my all damn it!!!

I hate winter. I'm taking a cruise the end of March/ beginning of April. I think I'm dropping Bug off at her dad's and then heading down w/ a friend. I have never been on a cruise & I think that I deserve it!!! I need to relax & have a cabana boy. Idk. Really tempted between a cruise or just going to the keys. Somehow I have a feeling a cruise would be cheaper than the keys. We'll see what we figure out! Hopefully it's HOT down there by then seeing as this winter has been soooooooooooo weird.

Speaking of, I really need to do my taxes!

Wonder if my cell phone works on a cruise or if I'm charged for roaming? Never thought of that. Roaming is my guess but then again I have my pc if I really feel the need.

I'll leave you with a pic I took on Fri.

Here's Your Sign

You are a fucking idiot.

A doormat.

Those would be my signs.


No matter how much you think your "friends" are truthful to you. They're not. Fucking lying sacks of shit. I swear to God that I have "Please fuck me over" written some where on the outside my body so that anyone of the male species says "oh there's an easy target".

Nevermind that he's been a part of your life as a friend and otherwise for about 6 years. The one man that you thought you could trust. Keyword being THOUGHT.

The one that knew you better than anyone else & would never judge you. The one you could tell anything to.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck the friendship we had. Fuck the high & mighty life you pretend you lead. You're a piece of shit. You're a fake. How the fuck do you sleep at night?

You're the opposite of everything I thought you were. Fuck you. Fuck the strong I thought that you were. You're not strong at all. You're weak. Only a fucking coward could act the way you have.

Fuck the excuses, the promises that you claim to have made. Fuck the advice you give me. The high & mighty life you lead. If the people that look up to you only knew!

Evil. You're evil.

You played with my emotions. You fucked with my heart. You fucked with my head. YOU are an asshole. It amazes me so fucking much that someone that I once loved, as recently as this morning, that I could feel so much hated and deceitfulness for right now.

Fuck the I love you's, fuck the horse you rode on in. Fuck your friends too. Fuck your secrets.

I am such a fucking fool. I vowed w/ this new year I wouldn't be a door mat anymore and you agreed with me. You said it was a good thing. You were pissed off over the ex fucking Asshat & how he didn't deserve me. Yet YOU, Mr Fucktard Asshole did the SAME FUCKING THING to me. I hate you. Why can you do that to me yet he can't?! Why is it ok for you to lie to me but it wasn't ok for him? Do you think you're God? Who the fuck do you think you are?!

I thought I had an idea of who you were. Little did I know that I have no idea at all. You admitted you're fucked up. I thought it was bc of different reasons. Little did I realize this was the reason. What tangled webs we weave my friend. How do you sleep at night? Thats' right you don't. You have no morals at all. What do you have? You have ice for blood in your veins and an artificial heart to pump it through.

Heartless Coward.

Lying bastard.

You're a cruel person.

How can you inflict pain on people and still walk around breathing, laughing & enjoying your life?

War was probably an easy way out wasn't it? Deployment was the easy option. You're still a coward.

Fuck you. You were my McDreamy. We had a relationship like Callie & McSteamy. Yet you turned out to be nothing but an Alex. You're a dick. User. Womanizer.

You don't think of anyone's feeling but your own. I hope your head, heart and especially your dick is happy you fucking loser. You fake.

Ugh

I *really* need to do my taxes.

And book a vacation.

I'd like to go to Vegas or Miami if Bug goes to her dads over break from school. If not, then I'm debating on FL again or possibly to visit friends in AZ.... All I know is that I *need* to get out of here for a few days. I am dying to feel sand between my toes & wear my flip flops. Oh how I miss my flip flops!!!!!

Damn winter. I hate you. Although I have to admit it really hasnt' been so bad. We had a blizzard right before Christmas and this past weekend it was in the 50's! This week/ weekend we're in the 20's & 30's with no snow till Sunday so I can't complain too much.

Now if I can just get that sauna built!!!

I think I'll let Bug skip her meeting w/ Jesus tomorrow. She skipped last week too. We had a reason then, a funeral. This week we have no excuse. I may have things to do after work & she can stay at a friends for a bit if she wants. Although I'm sure things will fall through. They always do. One of these days I'm bound to have something go my way right? Right.

I love my new straightener.

I need a new toy.

Taxes still aren't done.

I baked a gazillion fucking cookies tonight for Bug's bake sale tomorrow.

I really wish my sauna was built already.

I should paint my living room again. I need a color that goes w/ my red & gold curtains. Because I love them & dont' want to get rid of them.

Still need to touch up on my bedroom & get new furniture. The brown wood doesn't go. Need black.

Jimmy Fallon just said a guy bit off a cops nipple during a fight outside a bar in Chicago. WHAT THE FUCK!? Is Mike Tyson on the loose again? I'd like to meet Jimmy Fallon.

I'm sad that Conan is leaving. I love him.

This post is extremely random. This is how my brain works on a *daily* basis. Imagine being me! I need to stop analyzing everything. But I think it's funny that I remember how to write analyze bc it starts with "anal" and followed by a "y".

I hate Bejewled Blitz. I play far too much of it bc I'm addicted & weak.

Still not sure I love my Droid. I loved it at first but I think we have now developed a love/ hate relationship with one another.

Does anyone stay faithful anymore? I wonder if they did back in the 50's when life seemed so good & Suzy Homemaker was in the kitchen. Wonder if the milkman or the paperboy really did visit during the day?

It sucks how people retire & then either they or their spouse get sick and die. Makes you wonder if working is really worth it? Makes me want to home school Bug and hop in my car and just go. I miss flying.

I miss the smell of the ocean. Or when the lake wasnt' frozen even though the water is too cold to do anything in. I like listening to the waves.

Alright, enough of my chaotic mind.

G'nite bitches.

Weekend Update w/ Lolita

Lucy and I decided on a night out of town. Well, in the neighboring town. I got a wild hair up my ass that I wanted a new tattoo. Decided on the Kanji/ Japanese character for "Strength" on one wrist & "courage" on the other. Consulted my friend who teaches Japanese in Australia to make sure they were correct. Well "strength" is 1 character while "courage" is 2. Hmmm... Didn't want to look lopsided. Then remembered about a year ago I thought it'd be funny to get a rabbit on my pubic bone so I could have a "pubic hare". :) There is actually symbolism behind the rabbit as well. Western Europen Rabbit Symbolism-Rabbit (Coinean) and Hare (Gèarr) are symbols of fertility, intuition, rebirth, promise, fulfillment, and balance. He is the Goddess’ creature and represents the Moon, night and dawn. is also associated with abundance, rebirth and release and is symbolic of the ‘tween times, dawn and dusk.

So I have no desire to be fertile, however I do need balance in my life and in a way I guess I feel "reborn". Or maybe in a transition to change many things in my life. I am doing things to fulfill my OWN needs now and not everyone else's for once. I wanted "strength" on my wrist to remind myself every time I doubt myself. I *am* strong. I have been through a lot & I have prevailed. I have doubted myself, I have shed many tears on the decisions that I've made, I have been tangled and torn within myself, but I always come out on top. I wanted "courage" to remind me that when I don't think I have the strength to do something- I have the courage to do it. I often times forget this and I often times doubt many of my actions. Funny, the other day as I'm explaining my tattoo theory with a childhood friend, she stopped me and said "Really? You're one of the strongest people I know". That actually shocked me bc I don't view myself being that way and I certainly didn't think she viewed me that way. Makes you wonder how people really see you & what they really think of you... At least I guess that made me think.







So anyway, we leave the ink shop & decide to go across the street for some really good (potent), big drinks. I had one. Lucy had one & a beer I think. Ran into a couple guys that I work with and then headed to another bar where I decided to "boobie dive" into Lucy's boobs. Well, little did I realize that I was farther away than what I thought. Instead of landing in her boobs I landed wedged between her & the bar. This was my result.

The color is coming out nicely today. Yesterday it was pretty faint. I have to laugh bc it takes a lot for me to bruise. I told her I have the Aurora Borealis on my arm today! Hahaha!!!! I am so special.

Back to work tomorrow. Yay. (*rolling eyes*) AG's finally back. It's nice seeing him every day again.

It's hard to believe that it's been three long years since my Grandpa passed.  I often times think about how much fun he'd have with his great grandchildren now that they're at the age to really do things.  Bug *loves* to snowshoe- one of his favorite past times.  I also bought her some cross country skis this year.  He'd have fun taking her hiking up into the mountains....  I know he's still with us in spirit but I can't help being selfish and wanting him physically here.  Like everyone else that has lost a loved one.

Bug and I went to FL last spring during her time off from school to see our Grandma. (Different side of the family.)  She has since passed as well, as of Dec 04, 2009.  She was a very special woman to many people and helped volunteer is so many ways and for so many different organizations.  She will be missed by so many people.  She was a school teacher before getting into volunteering at her various places that always kept her occupied.  I learned so many things from this spectacular woman.  Compassion and selflessness probably being the two most important things.  I'll never forget when I was around 15 and she took me to a soup kitchen w/ the Kiwanis.  That day, seeing all the people that were less fortunate than I was, really changed my life.  As a teenager with parents that didn't have a lot of money to buy my sister & I brand name clothes, I realized that day that I was so much more fortunate than those people I was serving food to.  The adults not being able to provide food on the table, the children that went without so many things that I had and took for granted.   I only went there with her once but it was enough to open my eyes.  In the area that I live, it's a very small community.  I'm sure we have homeless somewhere but you don't see them.  I cannot name one single person that is homeless here.  I know that time to time we have women and children staying at the shelter home but that is normally due to a domestic dispute of some sort.  Coming from a small community of mostly white & native american people and then going to a city where you see such a diverse group and get to meet so many different types of people fascinated me.  I know many people that have never traveled more than three hours away from here. They like to stay in their "safe zone" because they're so afraid to leave the safe confines of their home base.  It's sad really.

I will be attending a funeral later today for my Aunt's brother who drown in a local hotel's hot tub on Friday.  Very tragic.  Fortunately, they think he was drunk, passed out and never felt a thing.  Still, at 39 years old, it's a tragedy.

But, given all these depressing events that I'm writing about today, I look out my office window and see blue sky which makes me happy.  It gives me hope for brighter days and the future.  

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." -- James Dean

--

Happy New Year!!!

It's a new year & I've done a lot of reflecting in the past few months. I have decided that I need to stop being a door mat for those that feel they need someone there for them only for their own benefit but opt to not help you out at all in return. Opt to not be there when you need them most. I have really learned who my true friends are. During the death of my Grandma, the ones that I "thought" would be there, the ones that I felt I could talk to and lean upon were no where to be found. I got a simple text message or a facebook message saying "I'm sorry about your Grandma". How fucking impersonal is that? When its times that you need people the most... thats when you realize how true they are to you. Especially when they know how much my Grandma meant to me. How much she taught me in my life and about life in general.

I'm grateful for the wonderful friends that I have that have showed me that they are there for me when I need them most. Whether it's a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or a pounding head to treat when I'm pissed off and yelling.

Since Oct I have reconnected with another old friend from childhood. It's nice to see how we can just pick up where we left off.

George & I are no longer together. He is another story that I don't care to blog about bc he is no longer a part of my life & honestly, I truly despise him.

So I've decided that instead of doing a life long Bucket List I am going to start one for each year. I'm going to do this instead of New Years resolutions. So far I'm doing well.

• I haven't smoked in a week (ok I cheated yesterday once but I have NO desire to smoke at all and the smoke actually drove me nuts. I'm actually a total hypocrite bc I hate smoke.
• Stop letting "friends" walk all over me. (I'm doing very good with this as well. Sucks when one has always been like a sister to you. Closer to me than my own sister.)
• Exercise. I've been doing really well. Well except in the past few days. I have been cross country skiing (bought myself & Bug a set for Christmas). I lugged the treadmill in the house & set it up. It's old but hell it's a treadmill. I have also been trying to do 30 min on the Wii fit a day. So far I'm doing well. I'm not really focused on losing weight bc I really don't need to. I'm not overweight by any means. I'd like to firm & tone. That's my goal. Since I started this the last week in Dec I have noticed a significant change in my legs, which really don't take much to tone at all. My arms & back are starting to get better but my stomach is the issue. Ick. I'm working on it though. I am going to give it a real try. For once in my life- a real try. So far I'm seeing changes but I think I should measure just to see. I did measure my waist and was floored at how big it is for my little body. No one ever believed me before. Well now I have proof! :) So I guess we'll see how things turn out. Wish me luck!!!
• Vacation. I desperately want a vacation this year. I would love another like Bug & I went last year but I'd also love one with just the girls this year. I guess we'll see what happens if she goes to her dads over Easter vacation. It's hard to just plan without anywhere for her to go while I'm gone. My parents live too far out of town to bring her to school every day. This is on the list.

I bought myself a new camera for Christmas as well. Another Nikon & I *love* it.

I had bought the other touch screen that Nikon has but it didn't do what I wanted it to. My "old" Nikon was more sophisticated than that one so I sucked it up & bought this one and boy am I glad that I did!!! It's beautiful! And yes, of course I had to get it in red. :)

I have a potential date for this weekend. But it's with a co-worker and I'm not quite sure about it. He's in the middle of a divorce, which will be done soon I think. This is the 2nd time they've filed. I think it should be more of a friend thing than anything else to be honest. I'm not sure I'm ready to date. Or maybe I'm just not that into him? I was a year ago. I thought he was really cute & all American boy type but then I got to know him and I'm just not sure. I know that he'd do anything in the world that I asked of him. I'm just not sure he's for "me". If it doesn't pan out then is it going to be weird at work? Is it going to ruin the friendship we have? Ugh... Idk. I hate those types of situations.

So with those words I shall go off to bed now. I am going to try to blog more these days. I think I need it. I feel better when I can come here & vent. Whether anyone reads it or not- I don't know and it doesn't matter.

2010 is the year for ME.