I am....

I am Strong because I am weak. I am Beautiful because I know my flaws. I am a Lover because I'm a fighter. I am fearless because I have been afraid. I am Wise becasue I have been foolish. And I can laugh because I have known sadness

I came across this on FB yesterday.  How fitting.  It states exactly how *I* feel.  How I'm sure many of us feels.  Sometimes, many times, I think we underestimate ourselves.

I am the type of person that really tries not to judge.  We all have flaws.  We all have a past.  Of course in some circumstances it's really hard not to and no matter how hard we try- we do judge others upon their actions, looks etc.  Like the old saying goes "Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones".

It drives me *insane* to be judged by someone that has made the same mistakes as I have, yet they feel they're superior.  Perfect even.  Do they forget about their past?  Do they forget about the things they have done that has made them into who they are today?  I think people often times forget this.  I find it funny that they know that I have not judged them for their past, for their faults, yet they feel it's ok to judge me and make me into this horrible person.  Why do people feel that's ok?  Its NOT ok.  Not at all.

I have one said friend/relative that's always been like my sister that I have rarely stood up to.  I am being judged, punished even, for something that I did a year ago.  Something that I deeply regretted.  It severed our friendship in a major way.  Things were just getting back to normal and now BAM!  Here we go again.  Because of this one mistake that I made, I'm made out to be this horrible person that I know I'm not.  Yes, I screwed up, I admit that.  But so has she.  In my eyes- even more so than this little mistake that I made a year ago.  I've written an email to her explaining that  I realize that once again, my incident is coming between us.  She hasn't talked to me in a couple weeks now because of something really stupid.  I mean REALLY stupid.  Stupid to the point that had this happened 2 years ago she wouldn't have thought anything of it but now because of the "incident"  I'm the worst person in the world and I have hurt her so deeply... Whatever.  I've always sat in the shadows.   I have always let her walk all over me.  Always been her door mat.  Since we were little kids.  She knows me better than anyone else and she knows that what she's accusing me of is asinine.  Yet she's always right and too proud to admit she's sorry. I think I've gotten one apology out of her in my entire life.  She's too proud.  Does nothing wrong.  Perfect.  Her husband is the most arrogant person I know and has basically turned her into a Stepford Wife.  It's almost like she has no mind of her own anymore.  What he says goes.  Of course it doesn't help that they consider themselves "functioning alcoholics".

Anyway, the point is that I have this very long email that I've written to her outlining all the times she's hurt me.  All the things she's done to me over the years.  All the things SHE has done and yet she's judging me for basically the very same thing she has done.  How is that fair?  I have never stood up to her.  I've always backed down and walked away. In her eyes right now I'm "dead to her".  Her very words.  Seeing as I'm "dead to her", why shouldn't I send the email?  Why should I let her pound me down one more time without standing up for myself?  Would I be the bigger person just walking away from it- sure I would.  BUT I think given the circumstances, it's about time that *I* stand up for myself and remind her of all the things that she has done.   All the "wrongs" she has done in/to her life.  All the times she's belittled me for the very same things she's done.  I honestly think it's time I stood up for myself.  This is an issue that's been weighing heavily on my mind since it happened a couple weeks ago.  Doesn't help that we work together as well.  I did close the email by saying that I hope she has a long, happy, healthy life & things in her marriage work themselves out.  That I will continue to have a working relationship with her but nothing more.  

I guess all I can do is take my chance on sending it.  She has the choice to read it or not.  I'm sure that nothing will get accomplished from it other than her hating me even more but at least I will have said my peace.  Something that I have never done with her.  I've always taken her shit & never dealt any back.  I think it's time that I stand up for myself for once.  She has to understand that HER actions hurt people as well.  The world does not revolve around her and her "fantastic" (rolling eyes) husband.  In reality he's the most arrogant person I've ever met.  Selfish, arrogant, self absorbed person.

So on that note, I'm sure I'll be here venting about the outcome of my email & all the repercussions that will come because of it.  Stay tuned....

I want to ride the Amtrak across the country... I think it'd be fun.