Time Has Told....

I was just re-reading my last post and "time will tell" really stuck out at me... Well, time has told.

Shortly, things will be so much easier in life. I hope. I can't help but to analyze everything in life. It's what I do. It's what I'm good at. However it's also a HUGE pain in the ass!!!

I can analyze a friends situation. I can tell them things about themselves that they're suprised that I know considering they've never told me. I can give them my honest opinion on something, from my point of view, and I'm usually right on, or close to it. But when it comes to myself and the things in "my" life... forget it. I over analyze situations instead of leaving them be.

I'm an emotional person by nature. I have a heart of platinum. I'd do almost anything for anyone. It's a pro but also a con. I never hang up or leave my parents, or family in general, without telling them that I love them. If something ever happens to me or to them, I want to know that those were my last words. I want to know that they know that I love them. I don't want to regret my last words to anyone. That's how I grew up. I can't recall a time that I've ever left or hung up saying anything differently. I talk to them almost daily.

My family is odd. We are a close family in a way, yet we rarely do things together outside of holidays. We don't really have the summer picnics or the get togethers just for the hell of it. Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas--those are the times that we can count on everyone being there. Today, the first Sunday in August we always have a picnic at my Uncle's house on my dad's side of the family. That's the only time I see the majority of those people. It's just weird. I could understand if we lived in seperate towns or far away but we don't. Since I moved back, we all live in close proximity to one another...

I always wanted the big family. The happy family. The one that gets together just because they can. No, more-so, because they want to. I always imagined my life as I age surrounded by that big happy family, parents, grandparents, kids etc. I guess time will tell.

There it is again-- time will tell...

In one aspect of my life, it has told. Thursday night as I was outside with the puppy I saw a shooting star. I dont know as if I really made a wish but I do know what was on my mind at the time. I tend not to wish very often on things unless I REALLY need something but in reality I know that I'm grasping for things that normally won't come true. Wishing on a star won't bring me the things that I want-- only fate can do that. Fate is definately something I believe in. We all have a fate, a destiny. I only wish I knew what mine was...

Maybe this is the beginning of mine? Maybe my life is turning around and it's finally time for me to be happy. Finally time for me to focus on what *I* want in my life instead of my focusing on everyone else's happiness. Yet, in the same breath, I realize that I cannot control certain things in my life.

All I know is that right now. This very minute. I am happier than I have been in a very long time.

I have a friend and he brings such joy into my life. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh. He is sincere and honest and caring, even though he doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve. I look into his eyes and they tell me what I need to know. Although it's always good to hear, I'll take what I can get for the time being... because I have to. Yesterday, he told me that he's happy. I loved hearing that. I love hearing that *I* make him happy. The best thing about it all--- we were friends first. After all, isn't it important to have a friendship as a base for things? And I know, that no matter what happens, no matter what the outcome, I will still have a friend in him.

We have the sort of relationship that is honest. He is a very "closed book" type of person whereas I'm just about the complete opposite. Yet, he is comfortable telling me about things in his life. Things, that given the situation, I'm surprised that he's comfortable telling me. Yet, I'm not shocked. I'm not upset or uncomfortable... I give him my opinion as a friend would and not someone that is anything more or anything less. If I was a selfish person I'd probably answer differently but I'm not. I could not in good conscience give him my opinion as anything other than a friend. I think he has respect for that. I think he appreciates that. He tells me things that he hasn't told even his best friends. I'm very thankful that he's comfortable telling me these things. I hate seeing him torn, in turmoil, about his life... Hopefully things will get easier for him soon.

However, in the same breath I'm very scared as to how he will react in a couple of months. I'm not quite sure I know the frame of mine he's in. Yet I am. It's so hard to explain and it's probably me analyzing things instead of going with the flow. But that's what I do. I normally live my life day to day without looking too much into the future because it's so uncertain. However, when it comes to my heart, I can't help but to do that. Especially when I come to the realization that I've let my guard down and my heart is unprotected. I'm not comfortable with that. I'm not comfortable with feeling open and exposed. Well, I guess I am when I know it's reciprocated. Otherwise, if I feel I'm in limbo. I don't like that feeling. Not at all. But I have. I have let my guard down and I'm exposed. I feel naked in the middle of a blizzard. I guess time will tell as to whether I eventually feel comfortable with that. After all, I am the one that let my guard down and exposed myself.

Sometimes you have to do that in life... Sometimes you have to make sacrifices.