Honestly....

Fuck me once, shame on you. Fuck me twice- shame on me.

When will I learn? I dont have the answer to my own question. I have a horrible, horrible time trusting people bc of a "friend" that fucked me over years ago. I walked her out of my life after being best friends with her for over 20 years. She resurfaced on Saturday night, groveling at my feet asking questions about the guy that she left her husband for , knowing I had dated him a few years back. There are some nice choice words on MS today for me to see, which I did. Dumbass for looking. So yes, I have trust issues bc of this dumb bitch. However, WHY is it that I give people the benefit of the doubt all the time? When is enough? When will I learn? It's like the owl that licked the lollipop-- the world may never know. I think I need to grow a set of bigger balls and just let everyone fuck up their own lives instead of trying to "help". Then again the pure enjoyment of watching the bitch grovel at my feet was pleasure enough for me.

Moving on....

It's been a busy week. House #1 is no longer mine. I closed on that puppy last Monday. 1 down and 1 to go! Now I just need to finish up with this one and get it all into my name and I can start tearing this puppy apart! Of course it'll have to happen little by little as I can't shit money. Still, the pure satisfaction that it will be mine soon will be enough. She was nice enough to give me a land contract on it so I have changed some things but mostly only painted. I dont dare "really" get the ball rolling and do things I'm not supposed to do until it's all finalized in black & white.

Bug turned 8!!!! It's amazing how fast they grow up. It's like yesterday that I had taken her home from the hospital. I've always explained to anyone that is expecting- you will NEVER know the meaning of true unconditional love until you have a child.

WTF is up w/ PETA wanting to use BREAST MILK for Ben & Jerry's ice cream!? Are you fucking kidding me!? Gross. Granted I am a mom so of course I tasted the shit that leaked out of my boobs while breast feeding but honestly? BREAST MILK ICE CREAM!? Gross!!!!!! And just how does PETA think they will accomplish this task? Surely there would be idiots that would be willing to be hooked up to a milker for this but ewww. EWWWW EWWWW EWWWWW!!!!!!!!! Just the thought of eating ice cream made with some strange ladies boob milk makes me want to hurl. Who the fuck things of this shit???

The leaves are starting to change here and they are gorgeous. Last year it was nothing but a bunch of yellow but this year we've had enough rain that the colors are *so* vivid. Lots of oranges and reds. We even saw one the other day that was almost a purple-red. Beautiful! As much as I'm against exercise, I feel a hike coming on.

Saturday night (minus all the drama), George and I attended a 40th bday party for a friend of ours. It was a good time. We made it through the night w/o arguing once! Truely something to be proud of! (Esp lately!!!) We got home, had kick ass matress tango and slept till noon. Great night! I do believe that I was still drunk when I woke up at noon and ordered breakfast. Ya, it was a good one. :)

My Grandpa's ex gf finally passed away Friday night. I think I blogged about her before. She was sick for months, in and out of the hospital and was finally diagnosed w/ leukemia. Very sad and she went downhill fairly quickly. My Grandpa was with her for at least 15+ years before they broke it off for good. Still, he visited her every day in the long term care unit at the hospital. Poor guy. His best friend also passed away about a week ago. It must be hell to get old. Especially when you start outliving all your friends etc. I cannot imagine. Nor do I really want to for that matter.

I hung Halloween shit up tonight. Bug was driving me nuts so we finally did it. I bought a cool looking spider web thing from WalMart. It has orange lights and 2 orange spiders. Looks pretty damn cool if I do say so myself. I should've taken a picture when I was outside a bit ago (the ambulance went by my house so I was being the nosy neighbor trying to figure out whose house they were at) but I didn't bring my camera. Maybe tomorrow. Although I guess I should remove the big pile of SHIT my dog left on my front porch. Little bastard. I hate dogs.

I really like the new Christina song. Especially the part about being a "super bitch". Maybe that's what I should be for Halloween? Super Bitch! Oh that could be fun!!! Still undecided about Halloween.... What to do, what to do? We're supposed to do the German thing but now I'm rethinking the whole thing... Idk.

I need a new car. Mine is a peice of shit.

I need new clothes too. Mine are old and they shrunk.

And a laptop too. It'd be so much easier to blog so I didn't have to sit in here and I could sit my ass on the couch and watch my tv shows at the same time.

I'm thinking black & white w/ green accents for this room.... My mind is just constantly thinking about how to transform this house that's stuck somewhere between 1960-1985.

I hate winter.

Alright I guess its time for me to go. Breast milk, winter, leaves, Bug's bday, houses, matress tango-- I think I've covered it all. If I go on any further it'll just be (more) sensless babbeling.

G'Night Hookers!

It's official

I may still have my 2 dogs and my bald cat but my life is a chorus away from becoming a mother fucking cock sucking country song.

Actions speak louder than words

Fist of all I want to apoligize if I weirded someone out. There is a gentleman on blogger that has an amazing knack for writing. He had expressed that he had read my old blog when I posted something asking if anyone visited anymore. I sent him the link for this one. After a while of reading I noticed his email address was on his profile so I found him on Myspace and added him as a friend. I didn't really think this was too odd. Anyway, he asked who I was, I responded and the next thing I know his blog is blocked and he's removed from MS. I'm really sorry if I offended or weirded you out. That honestly was not my intention. I just thought you were a very cool person is all. I'm sorry.

Apparently I fucked that up too.

So yesterday we had a 2nd annual picnic for my Grandpa who passed away a year and a half ago. George had a beneifit for a guy that he works with and then was going to meet us at my Grandpa's camp. It started raining, people were under the sauna, by the fire, under the tent, in the house etc... it didn't matter. Everyone had a great time. Tons of food. It was a nice turn out. George never showed.

I had had a conversation w/ a friend when she called on Friday about bringing George out with her after the benefit but then she wasn't coming out until after the benefit was over at 7pm. I had told her that if he comes out at that time he might as well not even show up. He'll be drinking etc and that's his priority. Not me. Not my family. Alcohol. He simply can't say no. I told her I was honestly sick and tired of this. I was tired of coming in 2nd after liquor. I don't deserve it. I deserve better than that. Her response to me? "I am really suprised you've put up with it/him this long to be honest."

So.. as I get into town last night and finally get cell reception there are 2 messages from him. One was that it was raining and he can't imagine that we're still out there but he doesn't know where we are. The second message was that he was going to a bar w/ my 2 friends (they're also his co-workers), one of which I had the conversation with on Friday and she claimed she totally understood where I was coming from. Mind you that the bar they were going to was half way to where my camp was located. He didn't even attempt to drive out there to see if we were still there. He chose to go to the bar. I dropped the kids off here and went for a ride to the store. I called him at the bar and told him I was done. DONE. I cannot do this anymore. He has no care for me at all. None. After we hung up-- I honestly don't know who hung up first, I think it was pretty mutual, I left him a voice mail again telling him that I was done. After that I called my friend who was at the bar w/ him and left her a vm as well screaming at her and telling her that I hopes she finds him someone to fuck before the night is over. Uncalled for? Probably. So after I calmed down I left another message apoligizing.

IDK if I was right or wrong in leaving her a message like I did. I feel justified. I mean, she KNEW how upset I was going to be that he was at the bar yet she didn't do anything to defer him from going with them. She KNEW I was going to be pissed off that he didn't show up, yet she sat at the bar w/ him all night long. He called my house around 215am, of course after the bar closed. I didnt' answer. He didn't leave a message. He text'd me as well saying "So that's it?" We've text'd back and forth. Nothing will change. He has turned it into my fault. Imagine that? Typical. "Everyone sees it but you. You could should (go figure) have had a great time but you decided to make it some big deal n bitch at me on the phone. You really think I wanted to come over after that. Not!"

So you see, it's MY fault that I didn't have a great night. Has he forgotten that I have a child and couldn't just go to the bar? I'm sure his conscience was clear as could be last night. After all, he did stay out till bar closing. He doesn't give 2 flying fucks about me. He doesn't love me.

My heart is shattered but I have to move on. I cannot continue living like this. I told him earlier if he wanted to talk I will find a place for Bug to go for a while. I don't think I will hear from him. I guess that will be his final answer.

I won't play second fiddle. Especially to alchol. I've done it long enough and I'm done playing this fucked up game. Unless the rules change, I'm out.

Where do I go from here? I live in such a small town. Everyone knows everyone. The way he is, he'll find a new fuck within 2 weeks. That's how he operates. I, on the other hand will not be able to handle that. In no way, shape or form will I be able to see him with someone else.

I thought my ex boyfriend was the love of my life. It took me to find George, 3 years later, to get over him. I love George like no other in my life. I was sure that he was "the one". What is this going to do to me? I have cried enough tears that I dont possibly know how my body can make any more.


"Hurt"

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Reflection....

When did I inherit this life? This is not the life that I ordered.

I think everyone has this idea of what their life will be like when they're older. Mine is NOTHING like I'd imagined. Not one single part of it. Well I guess I do have a dog or two, even though they were never part of the equation I suppose deep down I wanted a dog. I did want a child by the time I was 30 and I have her. She's just a bit older than I imagined she'd be when I turned 30.I wanted to have more kids. I wanted maybe 2 or 3. I have finally come to the realization she is the only one I will ever have.

I just don't think that the life I'd imagined is in the cards for me. Fate has a different plan for me.


I realize I'm only 31. I have many, many years ahead of me. I know that things can change drastically in a few months time. It's happened before and I'm sure it will happen again. However, right now... I'm just not where I thought I'd be.

I guess it's up to me to fix it... but how? How do you take such drastic measures to turn your life into what you'd imagined it would be? You can't force others around you to do and see things as you do... This is my life. It's what I make of it. Granted that I have done good for myself. I have made things happened that I've really wanted to happen. What I am most proud of is that I have done these things with very little help from anyone else. I bought a house when my mom told me it wasn't a good idea because of the maintenance, upkeep, taxes etc. The way I looked at it is that it's MINE. It's something that I own. I can do what I wish to it. And I did for about a year and a half until another opportunity knocked on my door. The opportunity for another house. I opted to do a land contract on that house before selling the other one first. I took my chances. Life is all about chances. If you dont' take them, how do you know what you are capable of? You only get one life and you better live it to the fullest. Everyone was worried about me owning 2 houses. After all it's not like I make a bunch of money and I am a single mom. However, a year later, the closing on my "old" house is next week and then we can start on the paperwork to close on my current house. *I* did it. Myself. And knowing that makes it so satisfying.

I hate when people tell me I can't do something. It only pushes me to do it more. To MAKE things happen. Am I scared to do things? Sure I am. Owning 2 houses when you make very little money per year and hoping that you have a solid renter in one to make your mortgage payment. What would have happened if he trashed the house? What if he moved out? Didnt' pay his rent? All those things went through my head as well as so many others. I had to have faith that it would all work out. So far it has.

My mind has been working overtime lately. It has taken a major toll on my mood. I'm just not happy. I think that's it. I'm not happy with my life. Now I have to figure out what to do about it. Sometimes it's not as easy as it sounds. I'm just not myself lately. I dont' even feel like myself. My mind races. I find that sometimes when I'm thinking about something, all of a sudden I'm thinking about something else but still on the other subject. How is it possible to think of two very different things at once? Even as I write this I have so many things races through my mind. Things I should be worried about and things that I have no business thinking about. I'm an analyzer. Always have been. I try not to be but then I have to analyze WHY I am thinking the things I'm thinking. It's a never ending battle inside my brain. Maybe I'm bi-polar or schizophrenic. After all, are they MY voices I hear? I'm pretty sure they are but I have to ask myself that since it seems they're never ending.

Ugh. Where is my easy button?

I hate winter. Maybe that's my problem? Maybe I know that winter is around the corner and I'm just getting depressed.... Idk.

School Days...

Ah yes, that time of year. School's back in session here now. Yeah. I got Bug all ready yesterday and brought her to school. I was NOT happy about her teacher this year and voiced my concerns to the pricipal over a month ago only to be told that due to the lack of teachers there isn't anything he can do about it right now. WONDERFUL. Ugh. I tried using the excuse that she lives right up the road from us, our daughter, even though they're 2 years apart, are friends. blah blah blah. Ya, didn't work. I figured it sounded better than me explaining to him what a total bitch this woman is and I've seen the way she treats her OWN daughter so WHY would I want to put *my* daughter through that?! Anyway, no hope of switching. Damn it. Well I walked into her classroom yesterday and teacher was pleasant-- moving children around whose desks are too big or small for them. However, it's like they took EVERY trouble making student in her grade and put them all with the "hard" teacher. WTF!? So OUR kids that are good have to suffer?! Great. Well Bug said she had a good day yesterday so I guess all I can do at this point is wait it out and hope that she gets some brownie points for personally knowing her....

So after school, for DAYS now, Bug has said she wanted to walk home. We live within walking distance so she is not allowed to ride the bus. It's probably about a mile between our house and the school. She was adament that she was walking... Ok so we took the road a couple of times, "this" is where you will walk etc (to my sisters house) and call me when you get there, don't talk to strangers, all that good stuff. School gets out at 319pm here. At 330p I get a phone call.. "Um mom, are you sure it's ok for me to walk?" (Totally irritated) "Um yes Bug, we've discussed thsi for days... why aren't you walking to Auntie's house???" Well come to find out she walked partly down the hill, got scared and turned around. She was offered a ride by our cousin, she turned it down bc she "really wants to walk", yet she calls ME at WORK from the school bc she's scared. Ugh. Luckily my dad was in town so I was able to call him to get her and drop her off at my sisters for me. Moral of the story-- No more walking home. She's just not ready.

The weekend was suprisingly good!!!! We went to the picnic/BBQ and had a good time. JSIL wasn't there but the other SIL was. She actually talked to me and tried squeezing information out of me. "Ummmm so I hear you're selling your house?". I had to correct her and explain the situation and that I am NOT selling it to move in with George. Not that it'd be any of her business anyway. I learned that that girl is even more of a miserable bitch that I origionally thought. I win. :) The rest of the weekend was nice as well. We did last minute school shopping on Saturday, had lunch, made a fire in the back yard when we got home. No arguing, no fighting. Lots of talking and laughing. It was sooooo nice to have that back. It was a nice, quiet, HOT weekend. Probably the hottest one so far this summer. For sure. And to think that now it's September and summer is pretty much over.... well it brings tear to my eye. Those that know me know how much I HATE winter. Barf.

Alright hookers, it's time for me to hop in the shower and cleanse myself (ya I know you all just got a mental right there) so I can get to work. I still have to wake Bug up and feed her etc. I'm trying this whole new thing of getting up early so I'm not late for work every day. So far so good..... Granted it's only beenone day!!! :)