Thursday, September 11, 2008


When did I inherit this life? This is not the life that I ordered.

I think everyone has this idea of what their life will be like when they're older. Mine is NOTHING like I'd imagined. Not one single part of it. Well I guess I do have a dog or two, even though they were never part of the equation I suppose deep down I wanted a dog. I did want a child by the time I was 30 and I have her. She's just a bit older than I imagined she'd be when I turned 30.I wanted to have more kids. I wanted maybe 2 or 3. I have finally come to the realization she is the only one I will ever have.

I just don't think that the life I'd imagined is in the cards for me. Fate has a different plan for me.

I realize I'm only 31. I have many, many years ahead of me. I know that things can change drastically in a few months time. It's happened before and I'm sure it will happen again. However, right now... I'm just not where I thought I'd be.

I guess it's up to me to fix it... but how? How do you take such drastic measures to turn your life into what you'd imagined it would be? You can't force others around you to do and see things as you do... This is my life. It's what I make of it. Granted that I have done good for myself. I have made things happened that I've really wanted to happen. What I am most proud of is that I have done these things with very little help from anyone else. I bought a house when my mom told me it wasn't a good idea because of the maintenance, upkeep, taxes etc. The way I looked at it is that it's MINE. It's something that I own. I can do what I wish to it. And I did for about a year and a half until another opportunity knocked on my door. The opportunity for another house. I opted to do a land contract on that house before selling the other one first. I took my chances. Life is all about chances. If you dont' take them, how do you know what you are capable of? You only get one life and you better live it to the fullest. Everyone was worried about me owning 2 houses. After all it's not like I make a bunch of money and I am a single mom. However, a year later, the closing on my "old" house is next week and then we can start on the paperwork to close on my current house. *I* did it. Myself. And knowing that makes it so satisfying.

I hate when people tell me I can't do something. It only pushes me to do it more. To MAKE things happen. Am I scared to do things? Sure I am. Owning 2 houses when you make very little money per year and hoping that you have a solid renter in one to make your mortgage payment. What would have happened if he trashed the house? What if he moved out? Didnt' pay his rent? All those things went through my head as well as so many others. I had to have faith that it would all work out. So far it has.

My mind has been working overtime lately. It has taken a major toll on my mood. I'm just not happy. I think that's it. I'm not happy with my life. Now I have to figure out what to do about it. Sometimes it's not as easy as it sounds. I'm just not myself lately. I dont' even feel like myself. My mind races. I find that sometimes when I'm thinking about something, all of a sudden I'm thinking about something else but still on the other subject. How is it possible to think of two very different things at once? Even as I write this I have so many things races through my mind. Things I should be worried about and things that I have no business thinking about. I'm an analyzer. Always have been. I try not to be but then I have to analyze WHY I am thinking the things I'm thinking. It's a never ending battle inside my brain. Maybe I'm bi-polar or schizophrenic. After all, are they MY voices I hear? I'm pretty sure they are but I have to ask myself that since it seems they're never ending.

Ugh. Where is my easy button?

I hate winter. Maybe that's my problem? Maybe I know that winter is around the corner and I'm just getting depressed.... Idk.


Stiletto Reflections said...

I analyze everything too. I'm like, "There's a reason so what is it?" LOL I know what you're going thru - it's been awhile since I haven't 'been myself'. I'm just under bitter's radar and I don't intend to be on it, but's hard.

Steph said...

I'm always going in about 80 different directions about change my mind about what I want at least 12 times a day. I'm a firm believer in always taken responsibility for your life and changing what you don't like. Like you said, this is YOUR life. All you can do is live it and live it how you want to. Fuck the nay-sayers and nonbelievers. Those who doubt you aren't worth your time anyway