Actions speak louder than words

Fist of all I want to apoligize if I weirded someone out. There is a gentleman on blogger that has an amazing knack for writing. He had expressed that he had read my old blog when I posted something asking if anyone visited anymore. I sent him the link for this one. After a while of reading I noticed his email address was on his profile so I found him on Myspace and added him as a friend. I didn't really think this was too odd. Anyway, he asked who I was, I responded and the next thing I know his blog is blocked and he's removed from MS. I'm really sorry if I offended or weirded you out. That honestly was not my intention. I just thought you were a very cool person is all. I'm sorry.

Apparently I fucked that up too.

So yesterday we had a 2nd annual picnic for my Grandpa who passed away a year and a half ago. George had a beneifit for a guy that he works with and then was going to meet us at my Grandpa's camp. It started raining, people were under the sauna, by the fire, under the tent, in the house etc... it didn't matter. Everyone had a great time. Tons of food. It was a nice turn out. George never showed.

I had had a conversation w/ a friend when she called on Friday about bringing George out with her after the benefit but then she wasn't coming out until after the benefit was over at 7pm. I had told her that if he comes out at that time he might as well not even show up. He'll be drinking etc and that's his priority. Not me. Not my family. Alcohol. He simply can't say no. I told her I was honestly sick and tired of this. I was tired of coming in 2nd after liquor. I don't deserve it. I deserve better than that. Her response to me? "I am really suprised you've put up with it/him this long to be honest."

So.. as I get into town last night and finally get cell reception there are 2 messages from him. One was that it was raining and he can't imagine that we're still out there but he doesn't know where we are. The second message was that he was going to a bar w/ my 2 friends (they're also his co-workers), one of which I had the conversation with on Friday and she claimed she totally understood where I was coming from. Mind you that the bar they were going to was half way to where my camp was located. He didn't even attempt to drive out there to see if we were still there. He chose to go to the bar. I dropped the kids off here and went for a ride to the store. I called him at the bar and told him I was done. DONE. I cannot do this anymore. He has no care for me at all. None. After we hung up-- I honestly don't know who hung up first, I think it was pretty mutual, I left him a voice mail again telling him that I was done. After that I called my friend who was at the bar w/ him and left her a vm as well screaming at her and telling her that I hopes she finds him someone to fuck before the night is over. Uncalled for? Probably. So after I calmed down I left another message apoligizing.

IDK if I was right or wrong in leaving her a message like I did. I feel justified. I mean, she KNEW how upset I was going to be that he was at the bar yet she didn't do anything to defer him from going with them. She KNEW I was going to be pissed off that he didn't show up, yet she sat at the bar w/ him all night long. He called my house around 215am, of course after the bar closed. I didnt' answer. He didn't leave a message. He text'd me as well saying "So that's it?" We've text'd back and forth. Nothing will change. He has turned it into my fault. Imagine that? Typical. "Everyone sees it but you. You could should (go figure) have had a great time but you decided to make it some big deal n bitch at me on the phone. You really think I wanted to come over after that. Not!"

So you see, it's MY fault that I didn't have a great night. Has he forgotten that I have a child and couldn't just go to the bar? I'm sure his conscience was clear as could be last night. After all, he did stay out till bar closing. He doesn't give 2 flying fucks about me. He doesn't love me.

My heart is shattered but I have to move on. I cannot continue living like this. I told him earlier if he wanted to talk I will find a place for Bug to go for a while. I don't think I will hear from him. I guess that will be his final answer.

I won't play second fiddle. Especially to alchol. I've done it long enough and I'm done playing this fucked up game. Unless the rules change, I'm out.

Where do I go from here? I live in such a small town. Everyone knows everyone. The way he is, he'll find a new fuck within 2 weeks. That's how he operates. I, on the other hand will not be able to handle that. In no way, shape or form will I be able to see him with someone else.

I thought my ex boyfriend was the love of my life. It took me to find George, 3 years later, to get over him. I love George like no other in my life. I was sure that he was "the one". What is this going to do to me? I have cried enough tears that I dont possibly know how my body can make any more.


"Hurt"

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way