Flipping the world the Bird

Again, it's been *forever* since I've been on here. Maybe it's because I don't have anything to say. Maybe I have too much to say and am paranoid that people will find this blog.... Idk.

We've added to the family-



I'm seriously wondering if there is something wrong with me! Two dogs and three cats.. yes I might have an issue. I may slowly be becoming "cat lady". As long as I turn out like Michelle Pfeiffer's "Cat Woman", I think I'll be ok. Although I may look a bit funny roaming around town in a black leather get-up. Although I would be HOT. lol

AG is becoming a dad. Things aren't as they once were. They haven't been in almost a year. Yet, knowing that I found out from someone else other than him... Yeah..... I have many words for that. However, none of which I've really spoke of yet. He has YET to say anything to me himself. Who the fuck does that? Who the fuck says nothing directly to a person who was "like" their closest friend. I have learned that things are not always as they seem. Even with those you are closest with...

WHEN will I learn who my true friends are?

This is something I've pondered very long and hard this year. Especially since this summer. I have an idea of who my true friends are, yet like AG, who I "thought" was one of my best friends, things are not always as they seem. How do you determine who is a true friend? He had actually told another co-worker who my family has been close to instead of telling me. That says SOOOOOOO much. I have a ton of things that I'd like to say to him but why? Why give him the satisfaction? Why bother? He just walks on egg shells around me. He knows why I'm upset yet still hasn't addressed it. Seems stupid if you ask me. A simple "Hey I'm sorry I didn't tell you myself & you found out another way" would suffice. Or how about "Hey I'm sorry I'm a lying son of a bitch who you can't trust and has kept numerous things from you over the course of our 7 year friendship". How can people be such lying sacks of shit? Lies. Over and over and over. How can they continue to lie to you after you catch them in lies and they promise not to lie to you anymore?! I honestly don't know how people sleep at night. As soon as I see him I close up. My wall is up, my mouth is closed and any friendliness that I've felt towards people that day I literally feel being sucked back into my body and I become a very cold standoffish person. I'd like to punch him in the face and tell him to fuck off. I hope he has a daughter. I also hope he gains a conscience. Sometimes (more often than not) I wish I'd never met him. I find this sad as for many years I confided so much of my life into this person. We shared a lot. Thoughts, feelings, ambitions, goals... Lies. It was all one big mother fucking lie. Cock sucker.

So... many things have changed in my life. Primarily bc of AG and partly bc of another Fucktard in my life. Mostly because of lies that they have both told. They have both made me feel that I'm this horrible person. They had me questioning who I am. Questioning what I stand for. Qeustioning my actions. In the end, I know I'm a good person. I know that I'm the first one to offer a helping hand when needed. Offer the shirt off my back. Offer myself up to help with something even if I don't want to because I know it's important to that person. I started looking back. I started realizing who has been there for me and who hasn't. The list isn't quite as long as I'd thought. I always thought I had a small handfull of friends that I could rely on and trust and you know... I don't. I don't have those people. I have those people "sometimes". They have me all the time. I quit asking people to do things, I quit calling people...

Another realization- I'm single. (Duh) Single people don't get asked to do things nearly as often as couples. I have an interest in a co-worker that I took home in a drunken stupor after our Christmas party a few weekends ago and boy do the people come right out of the woodwork!!! Hey, we should get togehter & do something. All 4 (or 6) of us. Really? Fuck you people. I'm not good enough when I'm a "single" but now that I could potentially be part of a couple I'm good enough? Yeah, fuck you too. But whose the first one they call when they need to bitch about their SO? Yep, yours truly. Imagine that? I'm not good enough to call to say "Hey lets do this or that" but bwaaaah I wanna cry on your shoulder because I'm sad because my boyfriends a dick. Yeah, fuuuuuuuck you.

I need a vacation. A sunny, warm, tropical vacation. Away from these people. Away from everyone & everything here to regroup so I can slowly become megabitch again over the next.... well till I go on another vacation. This year has been the year of "I'm going to hop on an airplane & go xx for xx hours and then come home". Vegas, Atlanta, Green Bay, and various cities in my state... Hell I'm just happy to get the hell out of here even if it's for 12 hours and get away from this life and people that surround it.

I need a hobby... And a vacation... Not really in that order.

I need to try new things in the new year. I need to try to commit to something. I think I have a phobia of commitment. There must be a word for that... Commitmentphobia... imagine that?! Thank God for Google. See... not even THAT can be interesting!!! I am soooooooooooooooooooooooo boring.

Happiness

On my way to work today, the sky was starting to lighten, you could start to see the blue of the sky but far off in the distance there were big puffy white clouds on top of the mountains. I thought about what a nice picture that would be. I take a lot of pictures but until today I never thought about "why". I take them because normally, at that point in time, I find happiness in whatever I'm seeing through the screen on the camera. Something that I would like to see again later.

Just a simple thought...

Hello Friends

Or lack there of!

I remember a time when I had people that actually read my blog. Maybe thats what kept me writing? Maybe not. Maybe I just had more to write about back then. Have I become boring????

Seasons are changing here. It's amazing how the leaves have turned in such a short time. It might be a good weekend for a drive to the tip of the peninsula. Gorgeous colors surrounded by the blue of the water. Perfect!

Bug's birthday is Friday. We were supposed to be out of town for a friends wedding but due to unforseen circumstances, that's not happening now. We'll have to come up with something fun to do instead. Of course I have to make cupcakes for school Friday!

I need to start working out. I want Audrina Patridge's body. Perfection! Either that or take the easy way out & meet me a good plastic surgeon!!!

Debating on Halloween costumes. I'm really not into it this year. Not like I normally am. Idk what it is.

Had a blind date set up. He pretty much ditched me. I sent a rather... to the point email afterwards. I should have let it go but you dont email someone at the time they're supposed to be getting out of work on the day you're supposed to meet them, to tell them you can't make it. I'm guessing there's a bit more to the story. He's very newly divorced so I'm thinking that has a lot to do with it. I've apologized but apparently that wasn't good enough. Maybe he's a dick & that's why he's divorced? Who the hell knows? Some day I'll find Prince Charming. Until then I'll just keep kissing frogs.

Later bitches!

Camping, beer & douchbags

Went with the girls last night, pulled my neighbors camper out to another neighbors lakefront property to spend the night. We had stopped at a local bar on our way and had a few beers. Finally got out to the property and had a few with the girls there. An altercation broke out between the neighbors & I suggested to one we take a ride, which we did.

Ended up back in town at a different bar, had a few beers, rolled the dice & won a 6 pack! I *never* win anything! While in this bar 3 guys from out of town came in and I up a conversation with one. Super nice guy, said he's divorced with 2 boys. I gave him my number and away they went. They were headed to a different bar to see their friends that were playing in a band.

We headed back out to the lake and things had calmed down out there. Good times. The guys ended up calling so I met them at a bar and brought them back to the lake for a bit. He asked to see me again before he left & kissed me. Called at 430am when he got home... (lives about an hour, hour & a half away).

Today my phone rings.... "Hi Lolita, this is Katie, Josh's girlfriend, please call me back".

Ugh. WHY ME!?

She called three times. I finally text'd her and explained things and she called me back. I explained to hear what happened. Idk who to believe. Needless to say I haven't heard from him today... stupid asshole men! WHY can I NEVER meet a nice guy?! All I can think is that I'm just destined for someone better to eventually come along.

I have always said, I can attract any asshole, douchebag, cheater, or psycho within a 100 mile radius. Last night proved I still apparently have the gift.

Losers.

Weekend Update

Nothing new to report really. Had a nice weekend with some friends. Went on the neighbors boat on Friday night after work for a bit. Just out into the bay. Saturday we spent pretty much all day out there and took a trip up to the canal. There are some *gorgeous* homes along the canal. I'm very fortunate to be able to live here. Maybe not so much in the winter but definitely in the summer. Although I guess instead of elsewhere in the states, all we have to worry about are snow & blizzards. Because of the lake I have never seen a tornado here, maybe a small one out in the woods away from the lake but no tornado's, hurricanes etc.

I remember when I lived away from here and would come back to visit, how it awe I was with the lake. It truly is breathtaking.

Talked to Bug tonight. She's still having fun and not ready to come home. 3 weeks & 1 day down and 4 weeks and 6 days to go... not that I'm counting or anything.... I just seem very lost this year without her.

Next weekend is girls weekend with some friends on the property they have on the lake. Should be fun. My neighbor has a camper that she's going to pull out there so we don't have to sleep in tents. Damn mosquito's would eat me alive! Should be a good time. Next Monday is my birthday although I have no plans. A few girls & I bought tickets to see Brett Michaels & Vince Niel in concert so we'll do that later in the week. That should be interesting! I haven't been back to the town the concert is in in many years. One of the girls & I used to live there after we graduated high school and I was based there after that with the airline I used to work for. I'm sure it'll bring back some memories for sure! We'll have a great time. Now I need to find something cute to wear & grab my cowgirl hat!

I'll leave you with some pics from the weekend...

I am....

I am Strong because I am weak. I am Beautiful because I know my flaws. I am a Lover because I'm a fighter. I am fearless because I have been afraid. I am Wise becasue I have been foolish. And I can laugh because I have known sadness

I came across this on FB yesterday.  How fitting.  It states exactly how *I* feel.  How I'm sure many of us feels.  Sometimes, many times, I think we underestimate ourselves.

I am the type of person that really tries not to judge.  We all have flaws.  We all have a past.  Of course in some circumstances it's really hard not to and no matter how hard we try- we do judge others upon their actions, looks etc.  Like the old saying goes "Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones".

It drives me *insane* to be judged by someone that has made the same mistakes as I have, yet they feel they're superior.  Perfect even.  Do they forget about their past?  Do they forget about the things they have done that has made them into who they are today?  I think people often times forget this.  I find it funny that they know that I have not judged them for their past, for their faults, yet they feel it's ok to judge me and make me into this horrible person.  Why do people feel that's ok?  Its NOT ok.  Not at all.

I have one said friend/relative that's always been like my sister that I have rarely stood up to.  I am being judged, punished even, for something that I did a year ago.  Something that I deeply regretted.  It severed our friendship in a major way.  Things were just getting back to normal and now BAM!  Here we go again.  Because of this one mistake that I made, I'm made out to be this horrible person that I know I'm not.  Yes, I screwed up, I admit that.  But so has she.  In my eyes- even more so than this little mistake that I made a year ago.  I've written an email to her explaining that  I realize that once again, my incident is coming between us.  She hasn't talked to me in a couple weeks now because of something really stupid.  I mean REALLY stupid.  Stupid to the point that had this happened 2 years ago she wouldn't have thought anything of it but now because of the "incident"  I'm the worst person in the world and I have hurt her so deeply... Whatever.  I've always sat in the shadows.   I have always let her walk all over me.  Always been her door mat.  Since we were little kids.  She knows me better than anyone else and she knows that what she's accusing me of is asinine.  Yet she's always right and too proud to admit she's sorry. I think I've gotten one apology out of her in my entire life.  She's too proud.  Does nothing wrong.  Perfect.  Her husband is the most arrogant person I know and has basically turned her into a Stepford Wife.  It's almost like she has no mind of her own anymore.  What he says goes.  Of course it doesn't help that they consider themselves "functioning alcoholics".

Anyway, the point is that I have this very long email that I've written to her outlining all the times she's hurt me.  All the things she's done to me over the years.  All the things SHE has done and yet she's judging me for basically the very same thing she has done.  How is that fair?  I have never stood up to her.  I've always backed down and walked away. In her eyes right now I'm "dead to her".  Her very words.  Seeing as I'm "dead to her", why shouldn't I send the email?  Why should I let her pound me down one more time without standing up for myself?  Would I be the bigger person just walking away from it- sure I would.  BUT I think given the circumstances, it's about time that *I* stand up for myself and remind her of all the things that she has done.   All the "wrongs" she has done in/to her life.  All the times she's belittled me for the very same things she's done.  I honestly think it's time I stood up for myself.  This is an issue that's been weighing heavily on my mind since it happened a couple weeks ago.  Doesn't help that we work together as well.  I did close the email by saying that I hope she has a long, happy, healthy life & things in her marriage work themselves out.  That I will continue to have a working relationship with her but nothing more.  

I guess all I can do is take my chance on sending it.  She has the choice to read it or not.  I'm sure that nothing will get accomplished from it other than her hating me even more but at least I will have said my peace.  Something that I have never done with her.  I've always taken her shit & never dealt any back.  I think it's time that I stand up for myself for once.  She has to understand that HER actions hurt people as well.  The world does not revolve around her and her "fantastic" (rolling eyes) husband.  In reality he's the most arrogant person I've ever met.  Selfish, arrogant, self absorbed person.

So on that note, I'm sure I'll be here venting about the outcome of my email & all the repercussions that will come because of it.  Stay tuned....

I want to ride the Amtrak across the country... I think it'd be fun.

Boring

Wow. I haven't been here since late April and come to find out the blogs that I was following are "gone". As in not on my list any longer. Oh well.

Bug's gone. Been gone for almost 3 weeks now. 3 down & 5 to go I guess. 8 weeks is a really long time when you're used to having someone with you at all times! We did do a bit of "lets hop in the car and just go" before she left which was really nice & fun. I love doing that. Not having any plans- just go. It'd really be much easier if I didn't have the animals but I do so I have to have them taken care of before we can take off anywhere. The cat is easy, leave out a few days worth of food- golden. The dogs- not so much.

We hit a neat little island about 4 hours from our house. I hadn't been there since I was 6 so that was quite a while ago. She thought it was going to be really boring but she actually had a great time. There are no cars on the island at all. Horses and bikes are the only way to get around. It's 8 miles around the island. We'd started biking it but it was getting too late and cold so we made it almost 2 miles each way. Between biking & all the walking we did, we got quite a bit of exercise in!

Before Bug left we had to travel across state for my Grandma's memorial service. Of course we had to turn that into an adventure as well, stopping here & there. It was a good time.

Now she's gone & I'm bored. I don't have George to keep me occupied like I did the previous 2 summers. I painted the front of the house. The house is red but it had a greyish lavendar color on the front which I've hated since I bought the house. I opted to paint it a golden yellow color. It's a bit more yellow & not enough gold than I wanted but it sure did brighten up the place! We also put up a nice little picket fence. I have one coat of white stain on that & one to go! The mud room is the next project to tackle bc it's just.... well... fugly and outdated. I should have done that today instead of sitting on my ass while it rained.

Why is it always nice during the day and then rain shortly after I get off of work!? WTH!? I can't complain about the weather though it's been beautiful! Sunny, warm (hot) and just a wonderful summer!

Some pics of what I've been up to because well... I really have nothing left to say. I told you, I've become boring! No love life, typical drama w/ the friends but as I said at the beginning of the year, I'm all done being a door mat. This last little episode confirmed that! Sadly its taken me almost 33 years to realize that's all I am. Oh fucking well. Good bye & have a nice life.

View of the big bridge

Our ferry to the island.
Driving over the big bridge!
Butterflies at one of the island's butterfly houses.

View from the Fort
One of the beautiful Great Lakes!
Arch Rock
Entrance to the Grand Hotel
One of 2 ways to get around the island

My new baby :) I realize it's sad that I'm excited about this but it's nice not to have to borrow one EVER AGAIN!!!! Now she needs a name!
The dome of the capital
Capital building
Bug's driveway chalk drawings... not too bad for 9 huh!?

Gorgeous sunset on the 4th

Happy Birthday America!

Later my bitches!

It's been a while.... Again!

Yep, it's been quite a while again....  I just can't seem to get into it like I used to.  I'd like to say it's from the lack of excitement in my life.  I've turned into a rather boring person.

Last night my excitement consisted of pulling out half of the carpet and padding from the spare bedroom.  It's time.  I had gotten one of the dogs not long after I moved into this house and she decided that's where she'd pee in the house.  GROSS!  Needless to say it stunk to high hell when I pulled it out last night.  Absolutely disgusting!  I still cannot understand how dogs, at 2 and 3 years old, still have "accidents" in the house?!  Should they not be house broken? I can leave them alone in the house for 12 hours without a single accident but overnight or if I don't let them out in time!?  WHAT THE HELL!?

This sounds morbid but I think about death often lately.  Not about ME dying but people in general.  Life in general.  My co-worker with Leukemia has been in and out of the hospital and his GVH is back again.  AGAIN!!!  Ugh.  He used to be so healthy and full of life and to see and hear him is heartbreaking.  It's almost been a year since his stem cell transplant.  He had almost died once after a heart attack during surgery.  He has the Dr's completely baffled because in all honesty, he should be dead.  He's a walking miracle at 40 years old.

My Uncle, who was once strong as an ox, developed Scleroderma.  Normally this disease attacks your skin and hardens it to the consistency of wood.  Lucky guy that he is, developed Internal Scleroderma which is almost worst because it not only attacks your skin but your internal organs as well.  He's gone through a year of treatment at University of Michigan and will have to continue to go once every two months (if I remember right) for the next 3 years I think.  Because there is no known cure for it, he applied and was accepted into a trial where they could either do a stem cell transplant with his own stem cells or high doses of a chemo drug, Cytoxin.  Because of some of the internal issues they opted for the Cytoxin.  He's doing better than he was a year ago.  He had gone from being 50 to 80 in a matter of a short few months.  He's now getting around much better but will probably never work again.

I often think about my dear classmate who died in an automobile accident when we were younger.  I attended his funeral on my 23rd birthday.

My cousin who took his own life almost a year ago.

My almost 88 year old Grandpa who lied about his age to enlist in the military and go to war.  Watching his health fail and his dementia kick into overtime.

My Grandma who I lost this past December.  She was a tough, extremely opinionated woman but she sure taught me a lot about life and people.  I visited her every summer as a child.  She might not have been overly loving towards her family but she certainly had an knack for helping those in need.  Her life revolved around volunteering at her local hospital in every aspect.

Or my Grandpa who passed away a few years ago from Meslothelioma from working with asbestos for year.....  and so many others that have touched my life.  

I was fortunate enough to tell both my Grandpa and my Grandma how much I loved them and what an impact they both had on my life.  I also thanked them for everything they ever did for me.  I had closure.

I'm not sure if this makes me morbid to think about these things and have them consume my thoughts sometimes...  I can tell you that it certainly makes me realize that our days are numbered and each one is a gift and not a guarantee or a right.

My parents hate when I talk to them about death.  Drives them crazy.  I try to explain to them that you just never know.  Some people aren't meant to grow old.  However, I have watched the turmoil unfold from both my Grandparents deaths.  My Grandpa had everything pretty much documented & taken care of although there were issues with other things.  My Grandma on the other hand had developed dementia as well and had changed her mind about things and her kids were left with trying to figure things out.  I told my parents that *I* need to know what they want done should something happen to them so I'm respecting their wishes.  I have told them both as well as friends what I want done with myself.  Our AFLAC rep was just here last week and I took out more life insurance as well as another policy so that they don't have to worry about me should something ever happen.

Maybe it's because I'm from a small town and I am exposed to death more than the average person.  After all, in a small town everyone knows everyone and I've always worked with the public.  Chances are if I'm not related to them I've waited on them at some point.  I guess I just want to be prepared.  I want to have Bug taken care of and my parents not to worry about my funeral or finances etc.  I guess you can say it's either morbid or being well prepared.

Enough of that topic.  I ripped out most of the floor in the spare bedroom last night after work. I have to hurry and get the new floor laid as I'm having a Pampered Chef party on Friday.  I work best under pressure!!! :)

I'm putting a white fence around my front yard.  Mostly for the dogs but also for some privacy.  I don't live on a main road but my road is quite busy.  This will hopefully prevent people from staring in my window and I can run around naked again in my own house.  Ok not really but I used to be able to in the old house.  It was great.  This is what I'm hoping as my finished product.

http://plantwhateverbringsyoujoy.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/arbor.jpg

I've been working on updating the family tree again.  It goes back to 1210 in England and has 547 people on it!!!  Talk about time consuming!!! I just hope that one day someone will appreciate it as much as I did!  I brought it out to the family reunion last year and people were in awe of it.   A couple of older ladies in the family had written away to have one "calculated" (for lack of a better word) for them.  It came back with a lot of information so I figured I'd update it from there.  What a task!!!  Wow!  I've also found more information to go with the people they had found.  Quite interesting what you can find out.  I know who my link is to the American Revolution should I ever want to apply to become a member of the Daughter's of the American Revolution.  Pretty neat if you're into that kind of stuff.

Less than 2 months until Bug leaves me for the summer.  I hate to let her go but I know that I have to.  Hopefully I'll have enough summer projects to keep me from becoming a raging bitch this summer while she's gone.  I do good for a bit and then lose it for the last 2-3 weeks.   Hey, at least I can warn people ahead of time that it will happen!

Alright I think thats enough for now!  Later my bitches!

Happy

Things that make me happy-

Bug's laugh

XXX vitamin water

Sunny days and nice weather.

Vacations

Friends & Family

Seeing F&F happy

Since our spring vacation plans didn't work out I'm taking Bug to an indoor water park this weekend.  It's a few hours away from our house but I know she'll have a great time!  I am hoping & praying the water is warm!!!!  I HATE cold water. I hate pool water!  And then to think of all the little kids that will be playing in the water and pissing in it really grosses me out! :)

The weather here as been beautiful this winter and spring.  I'm in love!!!  Even some of my plants are coming up!!!  Yay!!!!

Plans for the weekend-

Water park

Mall for shopping

Mani's & pedi's (this is Bug's new favorite thing)

Eating good food!  I'm craving Olive Garden.  But then again maybe we'll just order pizza to the hotel?!

Getting the rest of the accessories I need for my bathroom.  I hope to God this can be done soon!   I'm getting a little irritated!  It's hard though bc I can't do w/o a bathroom and I only have 1 shower in my house.  :(

An ass kickin' good time

Wow. My Jillian Michaels dvd's finally arrived. OH. MY. GAWD did she kick my ass. Wow. I opted to do 'Banish Fat Boos Metabolism' and thought I was going to die. I had to opt out of a few of the things that she did. She is TOUGH to say the least! Wow. I think I still had sweat 5 minutes after I stopped! After I attempted to do that dvd I did the ab section on 'No More Trouble Zones'. Wow. I can totally understand how this could work sticking with it everyday. I physially couldnt' go on w/ the first one anymore bc I felt that if I stepped one more time my thighs were going to break right in half. And I consider my legs to be in good shape!!! It was nice to see the girls in the video sweating their asses off right with me. Wow. That's all I can say.

I did measure myself last night but I was highly bloated so I figured I'd do it again today. There was an inch difference in my sperm pouch area. Every inch counts!!! I was good today and didn't have salt or pop. I did have a cup of coffee and then drank my new Roobio tea the rest of the day, which is non caffinated. So far so good. Felt much better today and not so bloated. I think I've caught the culprit!!!

I'm going to enter my bathroom in an Ugly Bathroom Contest through our local tv station. Bc lets face it folks- it's FUGLY!

Still unsure of the issue from my rant the other day. Talk about being confused. Fuck. I got on the treadmill and then boxed & did sword fighting on the Wii. I couldn' figure out why the hell I was so sore the next day. I gave it my all damn it!!!

I hate winter. I'm taking a cruise the end of March/ beginning of April. I think I'm dropping Bug off at her dad's and then heading down w/ a friend. I have never been on a cruise & I think that I deserve it!!! I need to relax & have a cabana boy. Idk. Really tempted between a cruise or just going to the keys. Somehow I have a feeling a cruise would be cheaper than the keys. We'll see what we figure out! Hopefully it's HOT down there by then seeing as this winter has been soooooooooooo weird.

Speaking of, I really need to do my taxes!

Wonder if my cell phone works on a cruise or if I'm charged for roaming? Never thought of that. Roaming is my guess but then again I have my pc if I really feel the need.

I'll leave you with a pic I took on Fri.

Here's Your Sign

You are a fucking idiot.

A doormat.

Those would be my signs.


No matter how much you think your "friends" are truthful to you. They're not. Fucking lying sacks of shit. I swear to God that I have "Please fuck me over" written some where on the outside my body so that anyone of the male species says "oh there's an easy target".

Nevermind that he's been a part of your life as a friend and otherwise for about 6 years. The one man that you thought you could trust. Keyword being THOUGHT.

The one that knew you better than anyone else & would never judge you. The one you could tell anything to.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck the friendship we had. Fuck the high & mighty life you pretend you lead. You're a piece of shit. You're a fake. How the fuck do you sleep at night?

You're the opposite of everything I thought you were. Fuck you. Fuck the strong I thought that you were. You're not strong at all. You're weak. Only a fucking coward could act the way you have.

Fuck the excuses, the promises that you claim to have made. Fuck the advice you give me. The high & mighty life you lead. If the people that look up to you only knew!

Evil. You're evil.

You played with my emotions. You fucked with my heart. You fucked with my head. YOU are an asshole. It amazes me so fucking much that someone that I once loved, as recently as this morning, that I could feel so much hated and deceitfulness for right now.

Fuck the I love you's, fuck the horse you rode on in. Fuck your friends too. Fuck your secrets.

I am such a fucking fool. I vowed w/ this new year I wouldn't be a door mat anymore and you agreed with me. You said it was a good thing. You were pissed off over the ex fucking Asshat & how he didn't deserve me. Yet YOU, Mr Fucktard Asshole did the SAME FUCKING THING to me. I hate you. Why can you do that to me yet he can't?! Why is it ok for you to lie to me but it wasn't ok for him? Do you think you're God? Who the fuck do you think you are?!

I thought I had an idea of who you were. Little did I know that I have no idea at all. You admitted you're fucked up. I thought it was bc of different reasons. Little did I realize this was the reason. What tangled webs we weave my friend. How do you sleep at night? Thats' right you don't. You have no morals at all. What do you have? You have ice for blood in your veins and an artificial heart to pump it through.

Heartless Coward.

Lying bastard.

You're a cruel person.

How can you inflict pain on people and still walk around breathing, laughing & enjoying your life?

War was probably an easy way out wasn't it? Deployment was the easy option. You're still a coward.

Fuck you. You were my McDreamy. We had a relationship like Callie & McSteamy. Yet you turned out to be nothing but an Alex. You're a dick. User. Womanizer.

You don't think of anyone's feeling but your own. I hope your head, heart and especially your dick is happy you fucking loser. You fake.

Ugh

I *really* need to do my taxes.

And book a vacation.

I'd like to go to Vegas or Miami if Bug goes to her dads over break from school. If not, then I'm debating on FL again or possibly to visit friends in AZ.... All I know is that I *need* to get out of here for a few days. I am dying to feel sand between my toes & wear my flip flops. Oh how I miss my flip flops!!!!!

Damn winter. I hate you. Although I have to admit it really hasnt' been so bad. We had a blizzard right before Christmas and this past weekend it was in the 50's! This week/ weekend we're in the 20's & 30's with no snow till Sunday so I can't complain too much.

Now if I can just get that sauna built!!!

I think I'll let Bug skip her meeting w/ Jesus tomorrow. She skipped last week too. We had a reason then, a funeral. This week we have no excuse. I may have things to do after work & she can stay at a friends for a bit if she wants. Although I'm sure things will fall through. They always do. One of these days I'm bound to have something go my way right? Right.

I love my new straightener.

I need a new toy.

Taxes still aren't done.

I baked a gazillion fucking cookies tonight for Bug's bake sale tomorrow.

I really wish my sauna was built already.

I should paint my living room again. I need a color that goes w/ my red & gold curtains. Because I love them & dont' want to get rid of them.

Still need to touch up on my bedroom & get new furniture. The brown wood doesn't go. Need black.

Jimmy Fallon just said a guy bit off a cops nipple during a fight outside a bar in Chicago. WHAT THE FUCK!? Is Mike Tyson on the loose again? I'd like to meet Jimmy Fallon.

I'm sad that Conan is leaving. I love him.

This post is extremely random. This is how my brain works on a *daily* basis. Imagine being me! I need to stop analyzing everything. But I think it's funny that I remember how to write analyze bc it starts with "anal" and followed by a "y".

I hate Bejewled Blitz. I play far too much of it bc I'm addicted & weak.

Still not sure I love my Droid. I loved it at first but I think we have now developed a love/ hate relationship with one another.

Does anyone stay faithful anymore? I wonder if they did back in the 50's when life seemed so good & Suzy Homemaker was in the kitchen. Wonder if the milkman or the paperboy really did visit during the day?

It sucks how people retire & then either they or their spouse get sick and die. Makes you wonder if working is really worth it? Makes me want to home school Bug and hop in my car and just go. I miss flying.

I miss the smell of the ocean. Or when the lake wasnt' frozen even though the water is too cold to do anything in. I like listening to the waves.

Alright, enough of my chaotic mind.

G'nite bitches.

Weekend Update w/ Lolita

Lucy and I decided on a night out of town. Well, in the neighboring town. I got a wild hair up my ass that I wanted a new tattoo. Decided on the Kanji/ Japanese character for "Strength" on one wrist & "courage" on the other. Consulted my friend who teaches Japanese in Australia to make sure they were correct. Well "strength" is 1 character while "courage" is 2. Hmmm... Didn't want to look lopsided. Then remembered about a year ago I thought it'd be funny to get a rabbit on my pubic bone so I could have a "pubic hare". :) There is actually symbolism behind the rabbit as well. Western Europen Rabbit Symbolism-Rabbit (Coinean) and Hare (Gèarr) are symbols of fertility, intuition, rebirth, promise, fulfillment, and balance. He is the Goddess’ creature and represents the Moon, night and dawn. is also associated with abundance, rebirth and release and is symbolic of the ‘tween times, dawn and dusk.

So I have no desire to be fertile, however I do need balance in my life and in a way I guess I feel "reborn". Or maybe in a transition to change many things in my life. I am doing things to fulfill my OWN needs now and not everyone else's for once. I wanted "strength" on my wrist to remind myself every time I doubt myself. I *am* strong. I have been through a lot & I have prevailed. I have doubted myself, I have shed many tears on the decisions that I've made, I have been tangled and torn within myself, but I always come out on top. I wanted "courage" to remind me that when I don't think I have the strength to do something- I have the courage to do it. I often times forget this and I often times doubt many of my actions. Funny, the other day as I'm explaining my tattoo theory with a childhood friend, she stopped me and said "Really? You're one of the strongest people I know". That actually shocked me bc I don't view myself being that way and I certainly didn't think she viewed me that way. Makes you wonder how people really see you & what they really think of you... At least I guess that made me think.







So anyway, we leave the ink shop & decide to go across the street for some really good (potent), big drinks. I had one. Lucy had one & a beer I think. Ran into a couple guys that I work with and then headed to another bar where I decided to "boobie dive" into Lucy's boobs. Well, little did I realize that I was farther away than what I thought. Instead of landing in her boobs I landed wedged between her & the bar. This was my result.

The color is coming out nicely today. Yesterday it was pretty faint. I have to laugh bc it takes a lot for me to bruise. I told her I have the Aurora Borealis on my arm today! Hahaha!!!! I am so special.

Back to work tomorrow. Yay. (*rolling eyes*) AG's finally back. It's nice seeing him every day again.

It's hard to believe that it's been three long years since my Grandpa passed.  I often times think about how much fun he'd have with his great grandchildren now that they're at the age to really do things.  Bug *loves* to snowshoe- one of his favorite past times.  I also bought her some cross country skis this year.  He'd have fun taking her hiking up into the mountains....  I know he's still with us in spirit but I can't help being selfish and wanting him physically here.  Like everyone else that has lost a loved one.

Bug and I went to FL last spring during her time off from school to see our Grandma. (Different side of the family.)  She has since passed as well, as of Dec 04, 2009.  She was a very special woman to many people and helped volunteer is so many ways and for so many different organizations.  She will be missed by so many people.  She was a school teacher before getting into volunteering at her various places that always kept her occupied.  I learned so many things from this spectacular woman.  Compassion and selflessness probably being the two most important things.  I'll never forget when I was around 15 and she took me to a soup kitchen w/ the Kiwanis.  That day, seeing all the people that were less fortunate than I was, really changed my life.  As a teenager with parents that didn't have a lot of money to buy my sister & I brand name clothes, I realized that day that I was so much more fortunate than those people I was serving food to.  The adults not being able to provide food on the table, the children that went without so many things that I had and took for granted.   I only went there with her once but it was enough to open my eyes.  In the area that I live, it's a very small community.  I'm sure we have homeless somewhere but you don't see them.  I cannot name one single person that is homeless here.  I know that time to time we have women and children staying at the shelter home but that is normally due to a domestic dispute of some sort.  Coming from a small community of mostly white & native american people and then going to a city where you see such a diverse group and get to meet so many different types of people fascinated me.  I know many people that have never traveled more than three hours away from here. They like to stay in their "safe zone" because they're so afraid to leave the safe confines of their home base.  It's sad really.

I will be attending a funeral later today for my Aunt's brother who drown in a local hotel's hot tub on Friday.  Very tragic.  Fortunately, they think he was drunk, passed out and never felt a thing.  Still, at 39 years old, it's a tragedy.

But, given all these depressing events that I'm writing about today, I look out my office window and see blue sky which makes me happy.  It gives me hope for brighter days and the future.  

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." -- James Dean

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Happy New Year!!!

It's a new year & I've done a lot of reflecting in the past few months. I have decided that I need to stop being a door mat for those that feel they need someone there for them only for their own benefit but opt to not help you out at all in return. Opt to not be there when you need them most. I have really learned who my true friends are. During the death of my Grandma, the ones that I "thought" would be there, the ones that I felt I could talk to and lean upon were no where to be found. I got a simple text message or a facebook message saying "I'm sorry about your Grandma". How fucking impersonal is that? When its times that you need people the most... thats when you realize how true they are to you. Especially when they know how much my Grandma meant to me. How much she taught me in my life and about life in general.

I'm grateful for the wonderful friends that I have that have showed me that they are there for me when I need them most. Whether it's a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or a pounding head to treat when I'm pissed off and yelling.

Since Oct I have reconnected with another old friend from childhood. It's nice to see how we can just pick up where we left off.

George & I are no longer together. He is another story that I don't care to blog about bc he is no longer a part of my life & honestly, I truly despise him.

So I've decided that instead of doing a life long Bucket List I am going to start one for each year. I'm going to do this instead of New Years resolutions. So far I'm doing well.

• I haven't smoked in a week (ok I cheated yesterday once but I have NO desire to smoke at all and the smoke actually drove me nuts. I'm actually a total hypocrite bc I hate smoke.
• Stop letting "friends" walk all over me. (I'm doing very good with this as well. Sucks when one has always been like a sister to you. Closer to me than my own sister.)
• Exercise. I've been doing really well. Well except in the past few days. I have been cross country skiing (bought myself & Bug a set for Christmas). I lugged the treadmill in the house & set it up. It's old but hell it's a treadmill. I have also been trying to do 30 min on the Wii fit a day. So far I'm doing well. I'm not really focused on losing weight bc I really don't need to. I'm not overweight by any means. I'd like to firm & tone. That's my goal. Since I started this the last week in Dec I have noticed a significant change in my legs, which really don't take much to tone at all. My arms & back are starting to get better but my stomach is the issue. Ick. I'm working on it though. I am going to give it a real try. For once in my life- a real try. So far I'm seeing changes but I think I should measure just to see. I did measure my waist and was floored at how big it is for my little body. No one ever believed me before. Well now I have proof! :) So I guess we'll see how things turn out. Wish me luck!!!
• Vacation. I desperately want a vacation this year. I would love another like Bug & I went last year but I'd also love one with just the girls this year. I guess we'll see what happens if she goes to her dads over Easter vacation. It's hard to just plan without anywhere for her to go while I'm gone. My parents live too far out of town to bring her to school every day. This is on the list.

I bought myself a new camera for Christmas as well. Another Nikon & I *love* it.

I had bought the other touch screen that Nikon has but it didn't do what I wanted it to. My "old" Nikon was more sophisticated than that one so I sucked it up & bought this one and boy am I glad that I did!!! It's beautiful! And yes, of course I had to get it in red. :)

I have a potential date for this weekend. But it's with a co-worker and I'm not quite sure about it. He's in the middle of a divorce, which will be done soon I think. This is the 2nd time they've filed. I think it should be more of a friend thing than anything else to be honest. I'm not sure I'm ready to date. Or maybe I'm just not that into him? I was a year ago. I thought he was really cute & all American boy type but then I got to know him and I'm just not sure. I know that he'd do anything in the world that I asked of him. I'm just not sure he's for "me". If it doesn't pan out then is it going to be weird at work? Is it going to ruin the friendship we have? Ugh... Idk. I hate those types of situations.

So with those words I shall go off to bed now. I am going to try to blog more these days. I think I need it. I feel better when I can come here & vent. Whether anyone reads it or not- I don't know and it doesn't matter.

2010 is the year for ME.