Alive

I'm still alive & kicking. Anyone out there?

This pretty much sums it up....

‎..Life stops when you stop dreaming, hope ends when you stop believing, love ends when you stop caring, friendship ends when you stop sharing.

Friends?

I found this earlier, seems fitting...

Never take anyone for granted, hold every person close to your heart, because you might wake up one day and realize that you've lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones.

I'm really really sick of fair weather friends. Who the fuck do they think they are? I've been there to listen, offered my shoulder etc, just to be ignored? What a total slap in the face. Yeah. Fuck you too.

The end

Titanic

Today was my daughters first full day at home. Her best friend is here today and I cannot even begin to tell you how freaking wonderful it is to have lift in this house again!!! 10 weeks and 1 day was a very very long time for Bug to be gone but she has told me so many times how happy she is to be home. It's such a good feeling. She even told me that she missed me yelling at her! Hahaha!

We were sitting here earlier, well the girls were in the living room and I was cooking in the kitchen and they started watching "Titanic". This damn movie gets me every time. This & "The Notebook". Which got me thinking about a conversation with my mom the other day. She basically told me that I'm holding out for "Mr. Perfect" and I'm never going to find him. I guess I sort of am. I'm holding out for "Mr. Right", I don't believe in perfection other than maybe in a sunrise or sunset or a perfect photograph. People? In my mind, there is no such thing as perfect. Everyone has flaws. I just refuse to settle. I see so many people that have gotten married for all the wrong reasons or too young. People that get married bc they feel they have to. It's the "right" thing to do. Says who? Funny bc all those people that I went to school with that got married young, are now getting divorced. Hell, my own parents have a far from happy marriage.

With that being said, I'm really trying to understand why I attract the men that I attract. I attract the crazy, the married, and the emotionally unstable. If they are within a 100 mile radius- they will find me. It's a guarantee. I never get the ones that truly care. No I take that back, those are usually the married ones. If they were happy in their marriages there would be no me. Well, I'm not about to be the crutch so that they can go home and tolerate their home life. Nothing good comes of situations like that. Someone always gets hurt. I have witnessed this on at least two occasions this year. Happy people don't cheat. Sadly, I don't know of any marriages now days that one doesn't have a wandering eye. Some act on it and some don't. However, the two affairs that I have been on the sidelines watching over the past few years have ended disasterous. You can't have three people in a marriage. One is always going to get hurt. If not more.

I always wonder why I am attracted to the men I'm attracted to. Is it the challenge? Is it my fear of commitment? Is it a combimation of both? I really did like JB and to this day I don't totally understand what the hell happened but whatever. It did and so be it. Hopefully I'll have learned something from it. It was almost like an affair with the distance being the third party. Two people, 2500 miles apart that had so much in common and talked for hours each night on the phone. Plans to meet up, futuristic plans. Lots of talk. Lot of bullshit. He flipped a switch on me and I realized he wanted a robot. A Stepford Wife. Soooo not me. So never going to be me. EVER.

In other news, Bug is home from her vacation at her dad's. Nice to have her here. I missed the little shit :) Actually she's such a good kid. I can't even pretend different. She had a great time with her dad and her brother. Came back so much more mature than when she left.... Soon she'll be graduating and going to college. *sigh*

Mobile

So I realized just now there's a mobile app for blogger.  Interesting... maybe I'll use it more & maybe I wont. I guess time will tell

Bug comes home on Saturday after 10 very long weeks id being with her dad. I cannot wait to see her!!!  Hard to believe that summer is almost over though. I really hate that because I love summer.  Hate winter!!!

Been really debating on what to do with my life lately. Work is starting to suck in major way. I used to look forward to going there and now I'm just over it.  Maybe Ill go to school? Idk. I wish I had more choices around here.....

Blogging

I have often thought about blogging... what I would write about. I used to really like to blog. I used to look forward to sitting down at night and putting all of my thoughts on here. I think that changed when I realized I think I bitch too much. Maybe I don't?! Idk. Lately it feels like I do. I think I'm too afraid to go back and attempt to read anything out of fear of what I'd read. Sometimes I like to just leave my thoughts and not revisit them.

There isn't much going on in my life. I was dumped... again. *SHOCKER* Yeah, I should be totally used to this by now. For the first time in 2.5 years, I allowed myself to open up to someone and BAM! He changed on me overnight. I still don't know what happened. Someone put a status on their FB page today, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". I'm really not sure I agree w/ that. I'm not sure that I really enjoy getting hurt over and over again. This is why I keep myself so totally guarded. I can say "live and learn"... but do I learn? Sure, I walk away learning something from every relationship I've been in. I can say that I learned the difference between cuts of steak from George, or I learned that it's ok to buy myself things once in a while and not spend my every spare cent on Bug.... This one... I allowed someone to finally help me around my house. I know that sounds stupid, but I did. He trimmed trees, helped me in the garage etc. Things that I normally would tell someone "no", but I allowed the help. This is something that I am not very comfortable with no matter what the circumstances. I'm not sure why this is. Why I'm so against someone doing something nice for me. I have been this way for years. Maybe because it's been thrown in my face in the past. Someone offering help and then throwing it back at me and making me feel like a horrible person for accepting it. It's something I'm working on but I have a very hard time with.... But really, is it really better to have loved? I'm not sure. I'm not sure that walking away from a relationship with a ton of heartbreak is worth the price of learning the differences in cuts of steak.

I have a friend that needs to pick her up car in VA and drive it back to GA.... this sounds appealing to me as I've never driven the east coast, only flown all over it. They happen to have a great beach house in OBX as well. That'd be a bonus for the ride back! Stop there for a few days! *HEAVEN* There is nothing I like more than a nice house on the ocean. Granted that I'd have to pray that there would be no hurricanes while I was there!!! I've been in the storms as they traveled up the coast but never right in a hurricane. I'm pretty lucky where I live. We don't have any weather issues besides snowstorms! No hurricanes, earthquakes, hell we don't even get tornado's here. Sure we have watches but the last tornado to touch down even remotely near us (aka about 3 hours south) was over 20 years ago. The perks of living on Lake Superior I guess! I think I'd take a snowstorm over some of the devastation I have seen on TV lately.

I suppose that's it. I have to go figure out how I can come up with the money to head south on a road trip!

Later bitches!

Bored

Alright, I'm already bored w/ the "day" stuff. I give up. It's boring me.

I need a vacation. Like a "real" vacation. Away from here. I have options but we'll see. An old co-worker of mine moved to Vancouver and wants to rent a car and drive from there to San Diego in June. This would be the *ultimate* vacation for me. Ok, maybe not ultimate but it's something thats on my Bucket List. Someting I have always wanted to do. I think it'd be gorgeous.

Well, I see I didn't post this yesterday. How did I manage to forget to hit "post"? Oh.. now that I scroll down I see I have an error. Nice.

I donated blood today. After getting further in the process than last time I finally got into the "Bloodmobile" and told the girls the story of the last time I tried to donate... Um.. bad decision. Yet they said that had I not told them & I'd have donated they'd have had to destroy it bc I probably have a card on file somewhere that states they turned me away at some point. Nice. So here I am with perfectly good O- blood and they don't want it!? Hmmm... Ended up running to the Dr's office to get a note stating it's ok for me to donate w/ an irregular heartbeat and flew back up there to catch them before they left. Easy process, all went well until about 20 min after. I felt good so I passed on the OJ & cookies. BIG MISTAKE!!! HUGE mistake!!! Ick. I was sweating in places I didn't know I could sweat. I think the insides of my ears were even sweating. I was white as the newly fallen snow outside, and SICK. Ick. I went into the bathroom at working, thinking I had to throw up, then I thought as I was crouched down that I'd shit my pants (which I didn't). It was like I had no control over my body. So here I am, at work, laying on the nice cold bathroom floor. Then I got scared that I was going to pass out in there with the door locked and no one would find me. Finally went back to my desk only to go back in the bathroom again. Got a Sprite after coming out the second time. I felt a little better but not much. I will never take cookies & OJ for granted again!!! Gawd I felt horrible!!!! Now that I feel better, I'm proud of myself for going through with it. I'm glad that I finally sucked it up and took the time to potentially help someone. Yay me!

Time for this chick to go to bed. I'm dead tired, which is a GREAT thing considering it could be a week of insomnia!

Happy Trails my friends

Day 07

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

My daughter. The entire world changes when you have a child. You finally know the meaning of "unconditional love". 'Nuff said.

Day 06

I'm obviously running behind & not keeping up to my end of this bargain but I have to admit, I'm doing better than I thought I would by coming back here & blogging again. I always feel better when I do. Hopefully I can get back into the habit.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Well, this sounds morbid and I realize that but I hope I never have to bury a child. Children should out live their parents, not the other way around. Unfortunately it seems to happen all to often lately. I have had friends die in car accidents, suicide, overdoses, and unfortunately a still birth etc. This shouldn't happen. I hope I never have to endure the pain the parents of these people have had to.

Today is my best friends daughters birthday party and we're going to the little ski hill to sleigh ride. I honestly have no idea why they call it a ski hill when it's more of a sledding & snowboarding hill. This will be the 2nd Annual dawning of the raspberry snowsuit as well. It's hot. Hopefully I can find my matching goggles too!!! This was from last year.

Days 04 & 05

Ok I'm cheating because I forgot to log in yesterday. oops!

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
I suppose I have to forgive the sperm donor and his family. I'm just not ready to. The sperm donor commited suicide when I was 16 months old. I will never understand how you can leave your child. The situation surrounding it is weird and I do realize that he was sick. You have to be sick to shoot yourself. You have to be sick to point a gun at your wife and your baby daughter. To beat the shit out of a woman. Those people aren't normal.

I need to forgive his brother as well. Forgive him for pretending to give two shits about me when I was growing up only to find out once I turned 18 that he really didn't give a shit. It was all a show for my Grandma. Well... Grandma's gone and I don't have to deal w/ that bullshit anymore. Fuck all of them. We may have the same blood in our veins but thats where it ends. A married couple with no children. Two nephews and a neice. A married couple that will be all alone in the end. No family. All. Alone. Fuck. Them. Both.


Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
This could be taken many ways. I'll say that 1) I'd like to travel. I'd like to go to Italy. I'd like to travel to other countries.
Another way, I'd like to know, before I die, that I've made a difference in someone's life. I made sure that I thanked one of my Grandpa's and one of my Grandma's before they died. Thanked them for what they'd taught me thoughout life, what an impact they had on me and my life and all the things that I'd learned from them. I can only hope that I have that sort of impact on someone at some point in my life too.
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Went to the farm today after work and picking up Bug. We got to see the brand new baby lamb that was born yesterday. His name is Charlie (I think) and he's sooo cute! All the animals are so happy there. K's done a great job w/her rescue. What a life she's had! You name it, she's done it. Full circle. Pretty interesting. I haven't sat down & talked to her in years but hopefully we can do that soon and she can tell me all her stories. She was a stripper, lived with the Rainbow people for a while...she's just done so much. Lived a very full life in very few years. I wish I could do that!

Later bitches!

Day 03

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This one is tough. We've all made mistakes in life and while I'd like to say that I have no regrets, I can think of a couple. Neither of which I'm going to mention as I'd like them to just go away. What's done is done...

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In other news it was 70 last Wed & now we're back to freezing. Brrr! I'm so ready for summer!!!

Day 02

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself

I love that I'm a loyal person. I am always there for my family and friends when they need me. They know this and as a result I've FINALLY figured out, over the past year, who the users are as opposed to the genuine friends/ family.

Day 01

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

I hate that I'm too trusting. I hate that I normally give people the benefit of the doubt before truly knowing them. As a result I have been burned numerous times. Slowly I'm learning to be a bit smarter...

All About Me

1. What time did you get up this morning?
7ish

2. How do you like your steak?
Med Well

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Little Fockers

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Grey's Anatomy, although Private Practice is getting to be *so* much better.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Italy

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Coffee

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Italian

8. What foods do you dislike?
Escargot, caviar... although I have never tried them, they just don't appeal to me at.all.

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
Depends what city I'm in. I have favorites all over. I really love Olive Garden, Hooters and Joe's Crab Shack.

10. Favorite dressing?
Ranch. But depending on my taste buds, sometimes vinegar & oil with salt.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Grand Prix

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Flip flops. They qualify... right?

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Italy, the Mediterranean

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
1/2 Full

15. Where would you want to retire?
Wherever my heart is at the time. Although I would like to rent or buy an RV and travel throughout the US someday.

16. Favorite time of day?
Evening.

17. Where were you born?
Annapolis

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Hockey, Football or any sport Bug is playing.

19. Who do you think will never call you again?
I can think of a few

20. Person you expect to call you next?
Bug

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to Stealing?
N/A

22. Bird watcher?
I love birds and have feeders out for them. They're so carefree.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night.

24. Do you have any pets?
2 dogs & 3 sphynx.

25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share?
It's getting closer to flip flop weather!

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Many different things- a lawyer, a flight attendant, a Medical Examiner, A Vet...

27. What is your best childhood memory?
I have many but I'll say spending the summers with my Grandma and volunteering.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Cat, dogs are a pain in the ass.

29. Are you married?
Nope

30. Always wear your seat belt?
99% of the time

31. Been in a car accident?
Too many, all minor except one

32. Any pet peeves?
Too many to even list! :) Chewing with your mouth open & smacking on gum rate very high on the list though. I cannot STAND listening to people chew. It's like fingernails down a chalkboard for me.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
Hmmm... Ham and pineapple or pepperoni and pineapple or sauerkraut.

34. Favorite Flower?
Calla Lily... Although I'm not sure they're my favorite anymore. I find them unusual which is why I like them. They're very different from other flowers.

35. Favorite ice cream?
Again, tough one bc I *love* ice cream.... Mint chocolate chip, Mackinaw Island Fudge (esp Peanut Butter Mackinaw Island Fudge), Black Cherry, Butter Pecan.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Taco Bell

37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test?
0

38. Who did you get your last email from?
Probably Blondie

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Victoria Secret or Charlotte Russe

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
No. I've become very boring. I'm bouncing off the walls ready to do *something*. Sigh

41. Like your job?
Yes actually I do, but I miss my old job every.day.

42. Broccoli?
Like it. Esp deep friend Broccoli!

43. What was your favorite vacation?
Acapulco my senior year of high school.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
I went to lunch with Blondie yesterday...

45. What are you listening to right now?
The news

46. What is your favorite color?
Red

47. How many tattoos do you have?
4

48. How many times have you tagged someone to do a meme?
No one while blogging.

49. What time did you finish this meme?
613p

50. Coffee Drinker?
One cup in the morning

Something new

I've decided to try something new. I haven't been very good at Blogging in 2010 so I'm going to try something a little different that I've found. I will try to blog about something every day for 30 days--

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Happy New Year!!!!

I rang in the new year at home. Boring! Bug was leaving yesterday and I had a 4 hour drive to drop her off and a 4 hour drive home so it wasn't worth my time to be in a car for 8 hours with a hangover! Thankfully, after being delayed twice over the past week- she is FINALLY with her dad.

It's also time to start my 2011 Bucket List. I find that if I make one per year instead of per lifetime I actually get a lot more done. I was able to cross a few things off last year. It's nice to say that I finally met some goals. They're not big goals but instead things I'd like to do, places I'd like to see etc. It's amazing the beautiful places we have locally that I've never been to!

Another new thing abot 2011 is the possiblity of finding love. I have been so cold and closed off for so long, maybe it's time for me to allow someone back in? It's very very hard trying to be un-guarded. I opened myself up to someonee and got completely and totally shit on. He divorced and hadn't looked back so I figured things were good. Then you find out you're being lied to and screwed around on ALL.THE.TIME. Totally not cool at all. I am NOT ok with that. (Granted I don't know of many people that would be.) Fast forward....

So now I have kind of started to someone. I think enough time has passed that I can allow myself to date someone and not be suspicious of them. I had major trust issues after George. This guy I have blogged about before, I think I referred to him as Big D so we'll go with that... So Big D & I have talked and been good friends for a few years. We are co-workers and have worked together for 7 years. We've been pretty close over the past 2 and have dicussed the attraction towards one another but we were both in bad places. Me in a shitty relationship, he in a shitty marriage with 2 small children. They have filed for divorce twice, gone through with it once only to get remarried a couple months later. About 2 years ago when they were seperated is when we realized this attraction. I refused to act on it due to my situation w/ George & his marriage. I knew my relationship was over but I didn't wnat to act on something w/ Big D bc I knew I'd be using him as a crutch. A replacement. I wouldn't be acting on genuine feelings for him but rather getting the things from him that I wasn't getting in my own relationship.

I'm not a serial dater. He is. I can't date someone for two years and then start dating someone else a few months later. I have to make sure all my feelings for the "old" person are gone. Granted his situation has been very shitty. She has done things that are inexusable and things that cannot be "fixed". He's done and over it. Seeing as he & I were good friends, I have known the ins & outs of their marriage. I don't think I've ever been friends with someone like him and then attempted to date them so it's kinda weird for me. I have a huge wall up and I need to figure out how to get rid of it bc no matter how much I try... It's still there. Is it because I don't really like him in that way? Is it because I'm scared? Is it because I'm not ready? I can't figure it out bc he really *is* one of the most amazing men I have ever met in my life. He's a dad to two amazing little ones. They're 3 & 5. He pretty much has custody of them. He's probably one of the most mellow people I've ever met. He's 110% honest. About everything. I know if I asked him a question, no matter what it is, but he will give me an honest answer. No lies, no beating around the bush- just honesty. He's a good looking guy. Sweet, giving guy... so WHAT is my problem? I can't say that I don't like him bc I do. I just can't allow myself to open up completely. I am trying really hard. I had gone on a date w/ another guy that my friend tried setting me up with. I really liked talking to him, emailing him etc. I met him for a beer- physically he wasn't my type but I "thought" I liked him after meeting him. Everything else about him I was attracted to. I had to go to his town one day for something and thought he was going to meet me when I got down with my stuff, yet he called & asked me to pick him up instead and take him along... I didn't want to tell him no but that put a damper on my plans and made it weird for me. After that things kinda went downhill. He asked to do things all the time and I always find a reason to tell him no. I think he'd be a BLAST to party with- I think he'd be a great friend, but as far as a lover- no. I just don't think that'd happen. Idk.... It just makes me wonder if I am sabatoging these things myself? Is it my defense mechanism??? Honestly I really like being alone. I like having my own house, my own things, my own schedule & not having to "ask" if they mind if I can go here or there or whatever. I am fully content being single. Yet, I do sometimes find myself missing him. BUT when he's here, I'm weird. WTF?! I also have a very hard time looking him in the eye- an issue I don't have with anyone else. So... yeah, WTF?

Bug's gone this week so I guess we'll see what it brings....