Day of Truths

Well maybe not quite "truths". But a day of maybe/possibly answering all of my unanswered questions....

I have a wonderful gift of doing things that I shouldn't do and not being able to control myself. Not matter how right or wrong it is. Although I guess there's always some "right" in wrong and vice versa, depending on which end you're on and how you look at it.

I did something that I wasn't supposed to do. I met someone I wasn't supposed to meet. He called when he wasn't supposed to call. And now tomorrow we'll see if he does what he's supposed to do.

...Or maybe what it is what I *want* him to do. Deep down, I'm fairly certain that I'll hear from him. I hate to sound vain but it's one of those things that no matter how hard we try we cannot resist each other. I'm really not sure that it can be done and I'm not sure that I want it to be done. I don't WANT to resist him. It's not just a sexual thing. We've done this on and off for 4-5 years now. Well, *I* have. I cornered him once and said a bunch of things when he really had no idea who I was (I don't think anyway... I'll have to ask him) He was actually a friend of a friend at that time. Hadn't run into him for a year or so and did it again, only this time I was drunk, dancing on tables and more than willing to tell him everything that I'd like to do to him. This coming from a drunken table dancer to someone that I don't really know but get an occasional email from... This coming from someone that at times, has a hard time telling my significant other what exactly it is that I expect/want from them. Yet, with this individual, I have no issues. Why is that? Why am I so comfortable around him? Why is it that I can be 100% open and honest with him? Why do I feel that I want to flip myself inside out and totally expose everything that is my being when I'm around him? I have been asking myself these questions and I don't have any answers.

The funny thing is that *I* control myself. These times that aren't supposed to be... They haven't been my idea. They've been his idea. Not that I've resisted because I haven't. Not in the least. I have put on the brakes when need be and floored the gas too.

This is what happens when you put two people together that have an overwhelming desire to flirt and you play off of each other like children in a moon bounce at a carnival... because you can, and because you're just so fucking good at it that you can't NOT do it. It's like when you're a small child and you know that your dad has a stack of Playboy's that he has hidden because he doesn't want you to find them, only you do and you sneak a peek when no one is looking because you're curious as to what an adult female body looks like. You realize you're not supposed to be peeking but you do anyway. Half of the fun is getting caught because you can't resist yourself.

Why is it that you always desire what you cannot have? Is it because people settle? Is it because they jump the gun and don't take the time to be fully aware of what they're looking for? Why is it that most people want the complete opposite of what they already have? Why do they say things over and over again when you can see right through it? Is it so that they can hear themselves say it? Do they think the more repetitive they are the more likely they are to believe themselves when deep down inside they know that it's not truly what they believe? Which in turn is why they can't resist themselves?

I hate not being in control and in a sense I've totally lost control. Not that I'm sure I ever had it to begin with. Actually... the more I think about it... No one is in control. Our emotions have taken over... But is it emotion on both ends? Is it sexual desire? If it is, why does he admit that he thinks about me daily....

Oh fuck. I can analyze this up and down and side to side and I will still end up with an empty box. I'll still end up blank. I will still know the same thing as I do now. Hopefully tomorrow my mind will be put at ease. Deep down inside, I think I know. But I also have doubt. IDK, things changed.... It's hard to say. I guess I should sleep on it until tomorrow.

~L