"The" One

"There's no such thing as the perfect guy. I think it would be strange if somebody was absolutely everything you always wanted because then there would be no challenge"-Jessica Alba


What does it feel like to be "the" one? I have to admit I'm a bit emotional today for some reason. I'm really not sure why. Could be because my boyfriends friend and girlfriend that started dating right after George and I did are so sickly in love and I'm envious? She told me last night that they are planning on getting married next summer. He has admitted to George that she is "the" one. What does that feel like? What does it feel like to know that you make someones world go round and they want nothing more than to spend the rest of their life with you?

I was engaged once. To Bug's dad. We used to joke and look at rings. I found "the" perfect ring. It was *so* totally me. Somehow I knew that he'd purchased it. He came to see me in Chicago and I for some reason knew that he had it with him. I asked him to give it to me and he wouldn't. Have I ever told you how I was proposed to? After going out that night (after I'd asked him to give me the ring) we returned to our hotel-- The Travel Lodge near O'Hare. I got into bed and went to sleep. He woke me up around 2am, on the side of the bed and said "Will you marry me?" I opened my eyes and said "Fuck you". WHO proposes like that??? Granted that yes I accepted the ring. My daughter was conceived the next day. At least she wasn't' conceived in the freaking Travel Lodge. Classy. Really classy way to propose to someone. I should've known right then and there that it wasn't going to work.

It's funny when people ask you about your first true love, it's not him. It's the ex boyfriend. The one that I found after I moved back here. We were set up on a blind date. After three years of being on and off I think we both realized that it wasn't going to work. I basically gave him an ultimatum. In my eyes, after 3 years you either know or you don't. He didn't. I wasn't willing to wait anymore. We both needed to move on. And we have.

Now I have George. I met him so many years ago. I fell in love with him so many years ago. I have taken chances with this man that I've never before taken in my life. In my eyes HE is "the one" for me. I know this. However, he's broken. He's been there and done that and isn't looking to go back to that place anytime soon. He says that I have too many animals. I told him that's an excuse. You love someone unconditionally, not because of their animals, money, children etc. Love is without conditions. He is my "the" one. I know that with every single ounce of my being. I love him so much more then the ex. It's hard to explain.

We are perfectly unperfect together. We fit. I read that quote up above yesterday and really reflected on it. It's very true. We argue, we bicker but at the end of the day I'm still so madly in love with him.

I'm really sick of being the friend of the bride. The single one. The mom. The blunt one. The one with the dogs. The one who works "there". I'm me. I'm the one that's willing to take chances in my life. I always have. I just got done watching a movie, I think it was called "Cake" or something. It was on Lifetime and starred Heather Graham. I am her in so many ways. I've always done my thing. Maybe I've been afraid of commitment and just didn't know it. Or maybe I mask my WANT for commitment by pretending that I don't want it? I don't know. With George I stopped telling him I wanted to marry him. I stopped telling him that he was the one. All because he didn't want to hear it... Why should I have to do that? Why would I hide my feelings for him because he wants me to? Why does he want me to? Is he afraid because he jumped in blindly last time with both feet? Why doesn't he love me like that? Why is it that I cannot have that fairy tale? Was it not meant for me?

This is so dumb. I'm sorry for my babbling.