Happy December!

Ugh, what a month its been! Busy busy busy. Drama, drama, drama. Honestly one person can only do so much.

So this is the latest & greatest news I have-- I'm an Auntie again!!!! He's the cutest damn thing you've ever seen!


One of my very good friends was deployed. Well he's in MS for training right now. They'll be home at the end of the week for a few days before heading back to MS and then will shortly after deploy to Afghanistan. Yuck. I will miss him dearly. But that's a post for another time.

I got a new tattoo. Did I post on that yet? I can't remember it's been so long.


Got my Christmas tree up. Nothing about my family is traditional so why should anything else be? I thought we'd try something different this year.




So the tree is up, the presents are all (almost) bought. I have no idea what to get George. What do you get a guy that has everything!?

I guess that's all I really have for now. Colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra here! I need to do something to warm up! Ugh.

Alive

I'm not dead. Just had WAY too much fucking shit going on recently. To take out my aggression I ripped out all the carpet in the living room, hallway and tonight, the kitchen. I (with some help) have had the wood laminate installed in the living room & hallway so now only the kitchen is left. Debating on how I'm going to handle this. In a nutshell, George has told me he's done. Just done. BUT he wants to help me finish the floor.... WTF?! FUCK YOU. "We can be friends". Uh no, WE cannot be friends at this point in time. *I* cannot be his friend. I cannot see him out and be "ok". He never stays single long and I guarantee if he's not already "talking" to someone or has someone in mind he will w/in a month. That's the way he operates. I told him to find some 21 year old that likes to party all the time bc that's what his life is turning into. I hope he knocks her up too. (Ok I take that back- THAT would seriously kill me. THrow me right into a tailspin... that would not be good.) Anyway, fuck that. Fuck him. Fuck it all. So in the meantime I shall rip things up in my house. It keeps me occupied I guess. Although I'm running out of things to do.... I chopped my hair off during a crisis a few months back so I don't want to go any shorter there.... So... HELP!!!





Do you dream, that the world will know your name
So tell me your name
And do you care, about all the little things or anything at all?

I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside, said I wanna feel
I wanna sunburn, just to know that I'm alive
Just to know I'm alive

I wanna live, just to see the day when we all get along
I wanna scream, scream my song out loud for everyone to hear

Do you believe, in the day that you were born
Tell me do you believe?
And do you know, that every day's the first of the rest of your life

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

And you know the pain, that brought you here today
So what can you do
And you know the tears, for losing those you love when yesterday is gone
So please remember not to waste another day, not to worry your mind
And please forgive me for taking so much time to get back on my feet

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

And I'll fight it out 'cause I know I can
And I'll sleep tight 'cause I know you're here, no, no
I won't surrender

This is to one last day in the shadows
And to know a brother's love
This is to New York City angels
And the rivers of our blood
This is to all of us, This is to all of us

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon (x2)

Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell 'cause I'm dying

The DREADED word......

"FRIENDS"

Can someone please explain to me how the fuck you're supposed to be "friends" with someone you're in love with!?

Each day is a gift that sometimes we take for granted

This song REALLY hit me today. I blogged a while back about a friend of mine that is very sick w/ Leukemia. I'm happy to say that as of early last week he is 100% cancer free and the transplant was a success!!! Now on to the bad news... he's had every single ailement he could possibly have. He's had every "thing" that could possibly go wrong-- actually GO wrong. He has had a blood disease that only 1 in 8 MILLION people get. Yep, he was one of the lucky ones. He also has Graft vs Host disease. He has had blood clots, stomach problems, the list goes on. He can't keep any food in. He's on a ton of morophine as well as opiates for the pain. Half of the time he doesn't even know if his wife is there or not. She had chosen to come home for a few days on Sunday night. He found out about the Leukemia in early April and they left for the hospital which is 8 hours away in May. They have 2 children that have been living w/ relatives during this time. He was supposed to come home mid-September but that obviously didn't happen. He's far too sick. He's about 6'1 or 6'2 and is now down to 160 or so pounds. VERY thin for a man his height. He's always been a thin person but I cannot imagine physically seeing him right now. Not long ago his eyes were swollen shut, he's lost all of his hair. When he's done with all of this and well again he has to go through all of the immunizations just like a newborn baby because he will have zero immune system. Isn't that crazy? I dont know how many blood transfusions he has had in the past 5 months. It's just absolutely crazy.

Anyway sorry for the tangent. His wife came home on Monday to see the kids etc and got a call last night. He was full of infection so they'd pumped him full of antibiotics and had to put him on a respirator to help him breathe. I cannot fathom what they are going through. His wife and sister left last night and his brother (who happened to be a PERFECT bone marrow match which is almost unheard of for a sibling to match like that. The Dr said it was almost like they were twins!!!) and wife left either last night or today as well. I feel so bad. I can't explain the feeling I have. When I heard the word "respirator" today, my heart sunk into my stomach and I literally felt so sick. Respirator is never a good thing. However I guess he does know that his family is there so that's a really good sign. I just hope and pray to God that he makes it through this. We need him. His family needs him. He's only 37 years old. FAR too young to be so sick. THat family has had such bad luck with things in their lives. Their children have been so sick. When he called me to tell me that hsi brother was a perfect match- he was crying so hard. He was so overjoyed.... And now this. We knew the road would be long and hard but I don't think I was prepared for just how sick he would get. How close to the brink of death he would be...

It's times like this that make you sit and and realize that YOUR problems could be so much bigger than they really are!!!

So today while I was at work listenting to my Sirius over the net, this song came on and I immediately thought of him. Listen to the words of the song and tell me what you think... It really makes me think about all the things I take for granted on a daily basis.... Very sad.




Ok... now on to some fun stuff, bc I'm far too depressed now.

What's the last pill that you took?
My anti-baby pill

You're currently listening to
Thriving Ivory- Angels on the Moon

What are you feeling right now?
They keys underneath my fingers as I type.

Are you happy with your life right now?
Now that I'm thinking about it-- yes I should be.

When was the last time you smiled?
Remembering when said friend above and I had permanent marker fights at work.

First person you talked to today?
Bug

What are you NOT looking forward to?
Work tomorrow.

Are you a forgiving person?
I need to learn to NOT be so fucking forgiving.

Do Italian/French/Spanish accents turn you on?
Oh Italian for sure. Bug's dad spoke 5 languages and Italian BY FAR was my favorite. SEXY!!!

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
No way but I do hate the girl that called me at WORK yesterday to discuss her psychotic boyfriend!!!! I mean AT WORK!? Do people not know I have a HOME phone? Fucking bitch.

Has anyone ever sang to you?
Actually sang "to" me? Twice and both times it was so completely gay I did all I could not to laugh and tell them how ridiculous they sounded bc they sucked. I didn't have the heart to tell them.

Who is the first girl you'd go to if you were mad?
Last night it was Vix and THANKS BABE!!! You rock!

Why is your relationship status the way it is?
Because he thinks my tractor's sexy... it really turns him on

Who do you dislike currently?
That dumb bitch that called me at work yesterday and just about everyone that's involved in her life.

Where do you plan on living when you grow up?:
Oh I'm NEVER growing up. Toys 'R Us said I didn't have to. I keep my membership w/ them current.

Ever been in a perfect relationship?
Perfection is boring, if I'm in perfect relationship that means I have virtually nothing to look forward to.

Do people hate you?
Ya I'm pretty sure they do but I sleep well at night so I'm ok with it. Those to matter dont' mind and those who mind don't matter.


Have you ever felt replaced?
Of course. All the time. However I know that *I* can never really be replaced or duplicated :)

Do you say sorry first?
Depends what I did and how bad it was...

Your ex shows up randomly at your house, what do you say?
Which ex? The one I've been dealing with recently-- I'd tell him the cops are on their way and secretly hope I can get away from him before he kills me.

If you were to die today would your life be complete?
No, because I wouldn't live to see my child grow up or meet my grandchildren.

Do you think you're approachable?
Most of the time. Unless I give you my "fuck you" look. Then it's normally not a good time. :)


Do you get offended easily?
Ya I get offended about 1% of the time.

If you could pack up and leave your life now to move away, would you?
Oh I sure as fuck would right this very minute. Although I know how lonely it is when you move somewhere new and you virtually know no one.

Do you keep any secrets from your best friend?
Depends which best friend. There's one that I tell absolutely everything to, well maybe 2 but then I have other best friends that I have learned I can only tell certain things to for different reasons.

Do you miss anyone?
Sure.

Do you have alcohol hidden in your room?
Ummmm.... what am I? 12?

Have you ever been paint balling?
Nope but I've been lazer tagging and was going to go cow tipping once!

What do your friends call you?
Whatever they want.

Has anyone upset you in the last week?
Oh if you only knew! Lets just say you're *really* lucky I didn't go off on that tangent. There isn't enough web space!

Who was the last person you ate with?
Bug

How many pictures do you have saved on your computer?
A lot. Thousands.

Anyone you want to forget?
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did it once I can do it again!

Who do you feel most comfortable talking to?
I feel most comfortable blogging which is why my rants are usually wrong and jump from subject to subject.

Do you plan on moving in the next year or two?
I dont' *plan* on moving but life is unpredictable.

Do you wake up cranky?
Almost every day. I am NOT a morning person-- at all. Bug knows this but yes feels that she has to wake me up before 8am on the WEEKENDS to ask me something completely DUMB.

Do you hate when people smoke around you?
I am actually a smoking hypocrite and I admit it. I normally don't smoke unless I'm in a social setting or have a beer in my hand. I HATE the smell of it and the way I feel and my clothes etc. I have to take a shower after the bar and the bars around here are HORRIBLE!

Do you look more like your mom or dad?
Mom

Are you taller then your mom?
Believe it or not I am about 2 in taller! :)

How tall are you?
*almost* 5'2". My Grandma was about 4'10"

Have you ever broken your arm?
Can't say that I have. Thank God.

Do you trust anyone?
Very very few.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Ugh... That's tough. I'm getting better at becoming a cold hearted bitch but when I explode-- watch the fuck out.

Do you wave when you see people you know?
I try but I dont pay attention when I drive bc I do too much thinking.

What color is your cell phone?
Green!

Something different today...

Do you think your wasting your time on the person you like?
Hmmmmm... I'll figure it out sooner or later

How many people have you kissed in 2008?
1

Can you fill this out without lying?
You'll never know.

Is there anything you want to tell somebody?
Oh hell yes! And I did just that this weekend! Go me! Dumb bitch.

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a T?
I'm sure I have. I'm like that.

Name some people that made you laugh yesterday?
The re-telling the story of my weekend to my Aunt. I guess I was more laughing at the expense of others rather than something that was actually "ha ha" funny. After all, isn't making fun of others what it's all about anyway!?

How late did you stay up last night and why?
I freaking fell asleep during my show and then woke up at 130am and couldn't fall back alseep.

If you could move somewhere else, would you?
I really miss Chicago but I always liked N&SC.

Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Oscare the Grouch but Beaker and the Swedish Chef are just around the corner.

Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Depends on the ex and whether I dislike them or not.

Where is your biological father right now?
Sperm donor is dead.

Who was the last person you took a picture with?
George... I think.

Was yesterday better than today?
Hmmm.. In a way I guess so but my week so far as been actually uneventful.

What are you listening to?
Bug yelling at the dogs and the dogs wrestling. Oh wait, now Bug's singing.


Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
With the right person they can be.


Last time you spent the night at someone's house?
Couldn't tell you but had a nooner at someone else's recently.

When was the last time you were sad?
Pfffffffffft.... Now I'm just bitchy. :)

What are you wearing?
A purple leotard, zebra print leg warmers and a neon green tutu


Where do you wish you were right now?
A tropical island w/ my own personal cabana boy


Is anything bothering you right now? If so, what is it?
Dumb stupid cunts. I HATE dumb people. Douchbags.


Night out or night in?
Depends who it's with and what the plan is


What items could you not go without during the day?
My car, it'd be one LONG ass walk to work and lets face it-- I'm just *that* lazy. I'd rather call in sick.



How do you feel about your life right now?
Every day above the ground is a good day right? And I don't live in a cardboard box.. starting to get cold here so that'd really suck.



Do you hate anyone and why?
Dumb people for obvious reasons, bad drivers bc I have road rage, same reason for slow drivers, people that have no idea what they're talking about, one of my co-workers bc of all the reasons I've listed and she looks like a total dyke. Not that I have anything against dykes but.. well you have to know this she-man. Annoying as fuck! Oh, liers, cheaters, the guy that orders frozen pizza's at the local grocery store bc the fucker hasn't restocked my favorite margherita pizza in forever. *SNOW* Ok, I hate Mother Nature bc the bitch is just f'n mean.


Why are you not going for the person you want?
Who said I'm not?

Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?
Yep, although I could never be a full fledged lesbian.


Are you looking forward to something as of right now?
My new Richard Simmon's Sweatin to the Oldies to arrive! I will so be looking like Oliva Newton John in Maneater soon!

At the moment, are you more warm or cold?
I'm just fine.

Do you have a boyfriend?
Last time I checked but that could change at any minute.

When was the last time you saw snow?
Spring and I'm sure I'll see the shit again soon. Damn I need to add that to my list above!

Do you smile often?
I try. One day I may lose all my teeth and then I won't smile anymore. Unless someone gives me chicklets. White ones.


What does your most recent text say? Who is it from?
I'm so not looking but I think it was from Vixen.


Do you prefer an ocean or pool?
Pools are nice but if I'm at the ocean then I KNOW this bitch is on vacation and my cabana boy is just around the corner!!!

How long is your hair?
I'm too lazy to measure at the moment.


Who told you they loved you last?
My daughter.

What color are your eyes?
The color of bullshit.

Honestly....

Fuck me once, shame on you. Fuck me twice- shame on me.

When will I learn? I dont have the answer to my own question. I have a horrible, horrible time trusting people bc of a "friend" that fucked me over years ago. I walked her out of my life after being best friends with her for over 20 years. She resurfaced on Saturday night, groveling at my feet asking questions about the guy that she left her husband for , knowing I had dated him a few years back. There are some nice choice words on MS today for me to see, which I did. Dumbass for looking. So yes, I have trust issues bc of this dumb bitch. However, WHY is it that I give people the benefit of the doubt all the time? When is enough? When will I learn? It's like the owl that licked the lollipop-- the world may never know. I think I need to grow a set of bigger balls and just let everyone fuck up their own lives instead of trying to "help". Then again the pure enjoyment of watching the bitch grovel at my feet was pleasure enough for me.

Moving on....

It's been a busy week. House #1 is no longer mine. I closed on that puppy last Monday. 1 down and 1 to go! Now I just need to finish up with this one and get it all into my name and I can start tearing this puppy apart! Of course it'll have to happen little by little as I can't shit money. Still, the pure satisfaction that it will be mine soon will be enough. She was nice enough to give me a land contract on it so I have changed some things but mostly only painted. I dont dare "really" get the ball rolling and do things I'm not supposed to do until it's all finalized in black & white.

Bug turned 8!!!! It's amazing how fast they grow up. It's like yesterday that I had taken her home from the hospital. I've always explained to anyone that is expecting- you will NEVER know the meaning of true unconditional love until you have a child.

WTF is up w/ PETA wanting to use BREAST MILK for Ben & Jerry's ice cream!? Are you fucking kidding me!? Gross. Granted I am a mom so of course I tasted the shit that leaked out of my boobs while breast feeding but honestly? BREAST MILK ICE CREAM!? Gross!!!!!! And just how does PETA think they will accomplish this task? Surely there would be idiots that would be willing to be hooked up to a milker for this but ewww. EWWWW EWWWW EWWWWW!!!!!!!!! Just the thought of eating ice cream made with some strange ladies boob milk makes me want to hurl. Who the fuck things of this shit???

The leaves are starting to change here and they are gorgeous. Last year it was nothing but a bunch of yellow but this year we've had enough rain that the colors are *so* vivid. Lots of oranges and reds. We even saw one the other day that was almost a purple-red. Beautiful! As much as I'm against exercise, I feel a hike coming on.

Saturday night (minus all the drama), George and I attended a 40th bday party for a friend of ours. It was a good time. We made it through the night w/o arguing once! Truely something to be proud of! (Esp lately!!!) We got home, had kick ass matress tango and slept till noon. Great night! I do believe that I was still drunk when I woke up at noon and ordered breakfast. Ya, it was a good one. :)

My Grandpa's ex gf finally passed away Friday night. I think I blogged about her before. She was sick for months, in and out of the hospital and was finally diagnosed w/ leukemia. Very sad and she went downhill fairly quickly. My Grandpa was with her for at least 15+ years before they broke it off for good. Still, he visited her every day in the long term care unit at the hospital. Poor guy. His best friend also passed away about a week ago. It must be hell to get old. Especially when you start outliving all your friends etc. I cannot imagine. Nor do I really want to for that matter.

I hung Halloween shit up tonight. Bug was driving me nuts so we finally did it. I bought a cool looking spider web thing from WalMart. It has orange lights and 2 orange spiders. Looks pretty damn cool if I do say so myself. I should've taken a picture when I was outside a bit ago (the ambulance went by my house so I was being the nosy neighbor trying to figure out whose house they were at) but I didn't bring my camera. Maybe tomorrow. Although I guess I should remove the big pile of SHIT my dog left on my front porch. Little bastard. I hate dogs.

I really like the new Christina song. Especially the part about being a "super bitch". Maybe that's what I should be for Halloween? Super Bitch! Oh that could be fun!!! Still undecided about Halloween.... What to do, what to do? We're supposed to do the German thing but now I'm rethinking the whole thing... Idk.

I need a new car. Mine is a peice of shit.

I need new clothes too. Mine are old and they shrunk.

And a laptop too. It'd be so much easier to blog so I didn't have to sit in here and I could sit my ass on the couch and watch my tv shows at the same time.

I'm thinking black & white w/ green accents for this room.... My mind is just constantly thinking about how to transform this house that's stuck somewhere between 1960-1985.

I hate winter.

Alright I guess its time for me to go. Breast milk, winter, leaves, Bug's bday, houses, matress tango-- I think I've covered it all. If I go on any further it'll just be (more) sensless babbeling.

G'Night Hookers!

It's official

I may still have my 2 dogs and my bald cat but my life is a chorus away from becoming a mother fucking cock sucking country song.

Actions speak louder than words

Fist of all I want to apoligize if I weirded someone out. There is a gentleman on blogger that has an amazing knack for writing. He had expressed that he had read my old blog when I posted something asking if anyone visited anymore. I sent him the link for this one. After a while of reading I noticed his email address was on his profile so I found him on Myspace and added him as a friend. I didn't really think this was too odd. Anyway, he asked who I was, I responded and the next thing I know his blog is blocked and he's removed from MS. I'm really sorry if I offended or weirded you out. That honestly was not my intention. I just thought you were a very cool person is all. I'm sorry.

Apparently I fucked that up too.

So yesterday we had a 2nd annual picnic for my Grandpa who passed away a year and a half ago. George had a beneifit for a guy that he works with and then was going to meet us at my Grandpa's camp. It started raining, people were under the sauna, by the fire, under the tent, in the house etc... it didn't matter. Everyone had a great time. Tons of food. It was a nice turn out. George never showed.

I had had a conversation w/ a friend when she called on Friday about bringing George out with her after the benefit but then she wasn't coming out until after the benefit was over at 7pm. I had told her that if he comes out at that time he might as well not even show up. He'll be drinking etc and that's his priority. Not me. Not my family. Alcohol. He simply can't say no. I told her I was honestly sick and tired of this. I was tired of coming in 2nd after liquor. I don't deserve it. I deserve better than that. Her response to me? "I am really suprised you've put up with it/him this long to be honest."

So.. as I get into town last night and finally get cell reception there are 2 messages from him. One was that it was raining and he can't imagine that we're still out there but he doesn't know where we are. The second message was that he was going to a bar w/ my 2 friends (they're also his co-workers), one of which I had the conversation with on Friday and she claimed she totally understood where I was coming from. Mind you that the bar they were going to was half way to where my camp was located. He didn't even attempt to drive out there to see if we were still there. He chose to go to the bar. I dropped the kids off here and went for a ride to the store. I called him at the bar and told him I was done. DONE. I cannot do this anymore. He has no care for me at all. None. After we hung up-- I honestly don't know who hung up first, I think it was pretty mutual, I left him a voice mail again telling him that I was done. After that I called my friend who was at the bar w/ him and left her a vm as well screaming at her and telling her that I hopes she finds him someone to fuck before the night is over. Uncalled for? Probably. So after I calmed down I left another message apoligizing.

IDK if I was right or wrong in leaving her a message like I did. I feel justified. I mean, she KNEW how upset I was going to be that he was at the bar yet she didn't do anything to defer him from going with them. She KNEW I was going to be pissed off that he didn't show up, yet she sat at the bar w/ him all night long. He called my house around 215am, of course after the bar closed. I didnt' answer. He didn't leave a message. He text'd me as well saying "So that's it?" We've text'd back and forth. Nothing will change. He has turned it into my fault. Imagine that? Typical. "Everyone sees it but you. You could should (go figure) have had a great time but you decided to make it some big deal n bitch at me on the phone. You really think I wanted to come over after that. Not!"

So you see, it's MY fault that I didn't have a great night. Has he forgotten that I have a child and couldn't just go to the bar? I'm sure his conscience was clear as could be last night. After all, he did stay out till bar closing. He doesn't give 2 flying fucks about me. He doesn't love me.

My heart is shattered but I have to move on. I cannot continue living like this. I told him earlier if he wanted to talk I will find a place for Bug to go for a while. I don't think I will hear from him. I guess that will be his final answer.

I won't play second fiddle. Especially to alchol. I've done it long enough and I'm done playing this fucked up game. Unless the rules change, I'm out.

Where do I go from here? I live in such a small town. Everyone knows everyone. The way he is, he'll find a new fuck within 2 weeks. That's how he operates. I, on the other hand will not be able to handle that. In no way, shape or form will I be able to see him with someone else.

I thought my ex boyfriend was the love of my life. It took me to find George, 3 years later, to get over him. I love George like no other in my life. I was sure that he was "the one". What is this going to do to me? I have cried enough tears that I dont possibly know how my body can make any more.


"Hurt"

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Reflection....

When did I inherit this life? This is not the life that I ordered.

I think everyone has this idea of what their life will be like when they're older. Mine is NOTHING like I'd imagined. Not one single part of it. Well I guess I do have a dog or two, even though they were never part of the equation I suppose deep down I wanted a dog. I did want a child by the time I was 30 and I have her. She's just a bit older than I imagined she'd be when I turned 30.I wanted to have more kids. I wanted maybe 2 or 3. I have finally come to the realization she is the only one I will ever have.

I just don't think that the life I'd imagined is in the cards for me. Fate has a different plan for me.


I realize I'm only 31. I have many, many years ahead of me. I know that things can change drastically in a few months time. It's happened before and I'm sure it will happen again. However, right now... I'm just not where I thought I'd be.

I guess it's up to me to fix it... but how? How do you take such drastic measures to turn your life into what you'd imagined it would be? You can't force others around you to do and see things as you do... This is my life. It's what I make of it. Granted that I have done good for myself. I have made things happened that I've really wanted to happen. What I am most proud of is that I have done these things with very little help from anyone else. I bought a house when my mom told me it wasn't a good idea because of the maintenance, upkeep, taxes etc. The way I looked at it is that it's MINE. It's something that I own. I can do what I wish to it. And I did for about a year and a half until another opportunity knocked on my door. The opportunity for another house. I opted to do a land contract on that house before selling the other one first. I took my chances. Life is all about chances. If you dont' take them, how do you know what you are capable of? You only get one life and you better live it to the fullest. Everyone was worried about me owning 2 houses. After all it's not like I make a bunch of money and I am a single mom. However, a year later, the closing on my "old" house is next week and then we can start on the paperwork to close on my current house. *I* did it. Myself. And knowing that makes it so satisfying.

I hate when people tell me I can't do something. It only pushes me to do it more. To MAKE things happen. Am I scared to do things? Sure I am. Owning 2 houses when you make very little money per year and hoping that you have a solid renter in one to make your mortgage payment. What would have happened if he trashed the house? What if he moved out? Didnt' pay his rent? All those things went through my head as well as so many others. I had to have faith that it would all work out. So far it has.

My mind has been working overtime lately. It has taken a major toll on my mood. I'm just not happy. I think that's it. I'm not happy with my life. Now I have to figure out what to do about it. Sometimes it's not as easy as it sounds. I'm just not myself lately. I dont' even feel like myself. My mind races. I find that sometimes when I'm thinking about something, all of a sudden I'm thinking about something else but still on the other subject. How is it possible to think of two very different things at once? Even as I write this I have so many things races through my mind. Things I should be worried about and things that I have no business thinking about. I'm an analyzer. Always have been. I try not to be but then I have to analyze WHY I am thinking the things I'm thinking. It's a never ending battle inside my brain. Maybe I'm bi-polar or schizophrenic. After all, are they MY voices I hear? I'm pretty sure they are but I have to ask myself that since it seems they're never ending.

Ugh. Where is my easy button?

I hate winter. Maybe that's my problem? Maybe I know that winter is around the corner and I'm just getting depressed.... Idk.

School Days...

Ah yes, that time of year. School's back in session here now. Yeah. I got Bug all ready yesterday and brought her to school. I was NOT happy about her teacher this year and voiced my concerns to the pricipal over a month ago only to be told that due to the lack of teachers there isn't anything he can do about it right now. WONDERFUL. Ugh. I tried using the excuse that she lives right up the road from us, our daughter, even though they're 2 years apart, are friends. blah blah blah. Ya, didn't work. I figured it sounded better than me explaining to him what a total bitch this woman is and I've seen the way she treats her OWN daughter so WHY would I want to put *my* daughter through that?! Anyway, no hope of switching. Damn it. Well I walked into her classroom yesterday and teacher was pleasant-- moving children around whose desks are too big or small for them. However, it's like they took EVERY trouble making student in her grade and put them all with the "hard" teacher. WTF!? So OUR kids that are good have to suffer?! Great. Well Bug said she had a good day yesterday so I guess all I can do at this point is wait it out and hope that she gets some brownie points for personally knowing her....

So after school, for DAYS now, Bug has said she wanted to walk home. We live within walking distance so she is not allowed to ride the bus. It's probably about a mile between our house and the school. She was adament that she was walking... Ok so we took the road a couple of times, "this" is where you will walk etc (to my sisters house) and call me when you get there, don't talk to strangers, all that good stuff. School gets out at 319pm here. At 330p I get a phone call.. "Um mom, are you sure it's ok for me to walk?" (Totally irritated) "Um yes Bug, we've discussed thsi for days... why aren't you walking to Auntie's house???" Well come to find out she walked partly down the hill, got scared and turned around. She was offered a ride by our cousin, she turned it down bc she "really wants to walk", yet she calls ME at WORK from the school bc she's scared. Ugh. Luckily my dad was in town so I was able to call him to get her and drop her off at my sisters for me. Moral of the story-- No more walking home. She's just not ready.

The weekend was suprisingly good!!!! We went to the picnic/BBQ and had a good time. JSIL wasn't there but the other SIL was. She actually talked to me and tried squeezing information out of me. "Ummmm so I hear you're selling your house?". I had to correct her and explain the situation and that I am NOT selling it to move in with George. Not that it'd be any of her business anyway. I learned that that girl is even more of a miserable bitch that I origionally thought. I win. :) The rest of the weekend was nice as well. We did last minute school shopping on Saturday, had lunch, made a fire in the back yard when we got home. No arguing, no fighting. Lots of talking and laughing. It was sooooo nice to have that back. It was a nice, quiet, HOT weekend. Probably the hottest one so far this summer. For sure. And to think that now it's September and summer is pretty much over.... well it brings tear to my eye. Those that know me know how much I HATE winter. Barf.

Alright hookers, it's time for me to hop in the shower and cleanse myself (ya I know you all just got a mental right there) so I can get to work. I still have to wake Bug up and feed her etc. I'm trying this whole new thing of getting up early so I'm not late for work every day. So far so good..... Granted it's only beenone day!!! :)

Wow! Twice in one week!!!

Ah, the joys of shopping for school supplies... That's what I'll be doing today. Notebooks, pencils, pencil sharpeners, rulers, glue etc. Yeah. I'm *so* excited. Nothing like fighting a gazillion people in Walmart for what you need. The pure thought of the full parking lot makes me want to vomit. Not to mention all of the college kids that are now back as well. God I hate shopping. I take that back-- I hate shopping, unless it's for my house.

I'm still not sleeping. I'm on about day #10. I wake up around 4am, wide awake, can't sleep. My mind isn't really racing about anything. I guess I sort of wake up after a dream, but it's a different dream every night. Idk... Just odd. I hate not sleeping. Must have too much crap going on in my life.

Speaking of crap. Ugh. I am supposed to attend a bday party at the lake house for my boyfriends sister on Sunday. The only problem? I'm SURE the bad SIL will be there. I really shouldn't say "bad" as I don't know her well enough to judge her. Let's call her the judgemental SIL. The woman is married to George's brother and HATES me. Literally hates me. They live a little over an hour away from here, and I've only been in her presence maybe 3-4 times over the past year. I skipped Christmas at George's house bc of the fact that his divorce was fresh and I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable even though I had already met the majority of the family. I know how much they liked his wife and how it was the first holiday w/o her etc. Not to mention Christmas Eve was being held in their house. So I opted to stay home and go to his house later after everyone was gone. So anyway, it's been a year since he left her and filed for divorce. I have seen the JSIL on Easter (I was invited but again, out of fear of making anyone uncomfortable I showed up later), she was still there when I got there. Funny story. Normally, as in this case I'm sort of viewed as the "outsider" so I keep my mouth shut about things and try not to speak up, call attention to myself, or get into a pissing match with anyone. I just suck it up. Well JSIL was going on and on about a cousin of mine, who also happens to be one of her good friends. She wasn't aware that said girl & I are related. She was going on and on about what a horrible marriage she has etc (like it was HER business to tell anyone to begin with even if it is true), and George's mom had asked her if any of the kids had graduated yet. She said no. Well I'd had enough of JSIL and her shit so I pipped up "Uh, actually S graduated 2 years ago and A graduates this year". OMG the look on her face was priceless!!!! Totally like "I cannot believe you just spoke to me, let alone CORRECTED me!!!". Oh inside I was hysterically laughing my ass off. Anyway, that was the last time she spoke "to" me. So fast forward to the 4th of July. I run into my cousin who was in town for the weekend, and we get to talking about JSIL. She told me that JSIL emailed her and told her that I "thought I knew it all", cousin says "well that's because SHE DOES!!!" and then proceeded to tell her that we're related etc. Hahahhahah!!!!! I f'n love it. Dumbass. Small town and she'll never get it. You just never know who is related around this place so watch who's back you stick the knife in! Anyway, I saw her again at a graduation party for a nephew and maybe that's it? So I guess I've only been around her a couple of times. Yet, not ONE single time has she or George's brother even said "hello" or acknowledged me. He has another SIL that lives here but doesn't like me much either. Funny bc last summer every time she saw me she'd be all nicey nice and say "hello" etc. Ugh. I hate two faced people. We see them more often than JSIL and I actually initiated a conversation w/ her the last time we were all together but whatever. Funny thing about her is that I had dated a guy a few years ago (I'd talked about him on the old blog) that lived an hour or so away-- well he proceeded to tell me about the affair that he had w/ said SIL! Nice huh!? Just another reason for her not to like me. I'm pretty sure that she knows that I know about their affair. Oh the tangled web we weave.

Oh so back to my dilemma. Sorry for the tangent... Bday party for his sister on Sunday... Last sat when we were out and he had too much to drink, we got into a conversation about his family. Brother & JSIL in particular. He had gone to camp to see brother & kids and I had found out later that one of his sisters and his parents had gone as well. I explained to him that he never asked Bug & I to go. He didn't have anything to say. I told him that I knew it was bc brother was there and he doesn't like me. He went OFF. Literally. He said something to the effect of "no they dont like you-- get over it". Umm... Wow! Holy slap in the face and punch to the gut! Although idk WHY I even felt that way having already known how Brother and JSIL felt about me. Why was I so insulted? Honestly I dont' think he and his brother have even had a conversation about me. I think it's just "understood" that they don't like me. Anyway, so I'm pretty sure since it's Labor Day weekend that they will be there tomorrow. Granted that he has a large family and I can avoid them like the plague but I also know that I'll be uncomfortable. In conversation recently he said that (when invited to a family function) I always ask who will be there. He's right. I do. He doesn't get it. I explained to him that I ask bc I need to make sure if they're there I can get in the frame of mind to be around people that dont' like me. I think that's fair, don't you? I mean, to be around 3 people (brother & 2 SIL's, I get along w/ the other brother) that don't like you and shoot daggers at you??? Not only that but these people don't even KNOW me!!! They have NEVER given me a chace nor have they even taken the opportunity to say hello to me. Or "how are ya?". Nothing. Not once. They simply hate me bc they view me as being the reason for the demise of George's marriage. It was NOT my fault. None of it was MY fault. Apparently they need someone to blame so they blame me. I guess it's easier than accepting the truth. They were good friends w/ the ex so I'm sure that's hard. I can understand that. I can understand that they probably feel they're betraying her if they even so much as talk to me but ugh.... How judgemental can people be??? *I* am being blamed and held accountable for something that *I* wasn't a part of!!! So idk. I guess I can put on the fake "I don't care" face when in reality they make me extremely uncomfortable, or I can just choose not to go. I had mentioned something to him last night about not being sure if I'm going or not. He didn't understand. Hey it's supposed to be nice out. IDK. It's on the lake etc which is great but I guess THEY are the only reasons that I'm considering not going. I know that Bug would have a GREAT time playing w/ the kids but... Ugh. Ignorant people. Maybe I'll be lucky and they'll have something else to do and wont' be there. Although it's sisters 40th birthday so I'm SURE they'll be there. Damn it.

My new gawdy ring that I love so much-- ya I'm allergic to it. Ugh. I figured that since it was a better quality silver I'd be ok. Ya, I'm not. I wore it for what? 3 days maybe? Last night it started. Little red itchy bumps all along the side of my finger. Sucks. I'd like to wear different jewelry other than the normal every day stuff that I wear but I can't for this reason. Once I had a necklace on that had a big red medallion sort of thing. The back was coated in silver and I had the biggest, ugliest rash on my chest from it in the following days. Apparently I can't even do "better" silver. Earrings-- even the hypoallergenic (or whatever they're called) ones- nope. Ears get red & itchy immediately. Sucks ass. I've learned that w/ earrings, as long as I'm only wearing them for a few hours, I can coat them in a layer of clear nail polish to form a barrier between my skin & the metal, otherwise I'm screwed.

I guess that's all I have for you today. I have to finish up my coffe, finish reading the news, hop in the shower and get my little butt in gear to start my day. I really should mow my lawn as it looks like a hay field. The leaves are starting to change already, which is so pretty but then makes me want to barf knowing that winter is just around the corner-- again. Already. Ew.

Have a great day my bitches.

No HNT here

Been a while again huh? My life just isn't so interesting lately.

I picked up Bug on August 16th. I was soooooooo glad to see her!!! My little cousin (the one w/ all the surgeries- I think I've talked about her) and her mom drove down with me to get her. The girls are only 1.5 years apart and they get along so well. We took them to the Milwaukee Zoo (which is HUGE) as well as Chuck E Cheese bc little cousin had never been there before. Did a bit of school shopping (ew). In and out of the mall in less than an hour. Good enough for me. Ugh, I hate shopping.

The house bullshit is *almost* behind me. My renter/buyer has FINALLY gotten off his fucking ass after I reemed (or is it reamed???) him a new one. Some men are so fucking dumb. Honestly. He calls my cell phone AT WORK to say "uh... we have a problem". Ok. Define "we" and then tell me what the problem is. Well apparently there's a pipe in the basement that's leaking. Hmmm... part of me wanted to say "you dumb fuck, I gave you all the time in the world to sell your house before buying mine which has totally fucked me in the processes and now you want ME to fix your fucking pipe!?" See, had the paperwork been done months ago like I SHOULD have done- his problem, not mine. But since I guess I'm still technically his slum lord I should fix it. Yes? No? I dont fucking know. Anyway, so after this lovely news I ask him if he'd turned the paperwork I'd given him 2 weeks and 2 days prior, into his mortgage co yet. Guess what he said? NO! No, he hadn't turned it in!!!! Unreal. I have sat on this f'n house for almost a YEAR after he said he was going to buy it-- being NICE, hoping he could sell his other house in the meantime so he's not stuck with both (but it's ok for me to be apparently- I am so dumb). He KNEW I had to have the land contract on this house settled by October 1. Um ya. Roughly 33 days from now. Fucker. Needless to say after I went off on him he faxed it in as soon as he got to work. Honestly for a guy, he's useless. He also told me there was a "problem" with the paperwork. See, when you JUMP (yes I said JUMP) on part of the floor, the electricity goes out.... Hmmmm, I livd there for a year and a half with a small child, a dog, and a cat and it NEVER did that to me. Honestly I think I should just pull my pants down so he can just royally fuck me up the ass. Ugh. I guess this has taught me what I get for being nice and trying to help someone. Fucker.

I eBay'd myself a new ring. A girlfriend of mine has a Lia Sopia ring that I love. Gawdy as it sort of is I love it. I steal it from her every chance I get but by the end of the night she's always making me give it back. So unfair. Well so I decided that I should buy myself one. Uh ya. only one problem- it's RETIRED. Ugh. Well since they blocked me from MS at work I had to do something, so I searched ebay till I found the sucker. It's now on my finger. Shiny & new, gawdy as ever bc it's honestly too big for my finger but I love it anyway. The picture doesn't even do it justice to be honest. If I didn't hate my hands so much I'd take a picture of it on my finger but I don't think so. :)


In other news, it's Halloween time again. Yes I realize it's far too early to even be thinking about Halloween but I love it therefore I am. Get over it. Here's a view of last year-- Ok nevermind, you're not getting it bc I can't get them to upload. However, we were Bee's. Yes black & yellow bumblebees. The guy's made their costumes and they were freaking hilarious. Honestly they looked gay. It was great. This year we're going German. Yep, St Pauli's girls and guys wearing Lederhosen's. Outta be hot. :) I found a kick ass beer mug purse too. I scoured the inet today to find some hot shorts that say "Got Beer?" but do you THINK I can find them anywhere? No. Damn it.









Ok so apparently I got the pics to upload.... Hmmm

The dogs are crying, apparently they need to urinate. Better to do that outside I'm thinking...

Hopefully we'll catch up soon! Later bitches!

Monthly updates?

Boy I thought I'd have a lot of time to blog while Bug was gone but that's not looking like the case huh?

I think I come here to bitch. Honestly. Bc I'm on the verge of a rant right now.

I fucking hate men! Especially men that have no fucking respect at all! Why do we stay with them? Glutton for punishment I guess. It's the only thing I can come up with. It sucks when you love someone *so* much and they dont' respect you. That is the conclusion that I have come to.

George is on vacation all of this week including Thurs & Friday of last week. Last Thursday he called me when he got home like I'd asked. AT 4AM!!!! WTF was he doing out till 4am you may ask? Oh he went to an after bar party. Yes ladies & gentleman, an after bar party and no, he's not 21, 22 or even 23. Whatever.

So we get everythign cleared up on Friday that needed to be cleared up and have a good night. Sat rolls around and my cousin & hubby are going boating. After all it was HOT and a *perfect* day for boating. George doesn't want to go. Imagine that? He has to wrok on the deck at his house and help his neice study for some exams... I asked him if he could do it the next day... no, he told her he would help her on Saturday. Fine. Whatever. However I made the POINT to bring to his attention that if the guys called to go golfing he'd jump at the chance. Nooooo I was wrong. Wrong wrong wrong bc he had prior commitments and he had to follow through. Uh huh. So I took the dogs to the lake instead and stayed there for a couple/few hours with them and let them run around, swim etc. He couldn't change anything bc his niece had asked him the day before to help her on Sat. Hmmm... I do believe I was at lunch when his sister asked him to help said neice on Wed. Neice finally called him on Friday asking for help on Sat. Why he didn't help her sooner when his sister asked? Niece didn't call him. Hmmm.... so that FUCKS my weekend. I also brought to his attention that he could have helped her on Friday had he not stayed out till 4am so he was nice and hung over the following day and completely useless. I brought to his attention the fact that we are ALWAYS doing what HE wants to do and very rarely what *I* want to do. Bug has been gone for 6 weeks. Do you know how many things we've done together like besides going to the bar after his fucking softball games? Ya, we wetn to dinner together ONCE. Just the two of us. One fucking time in 6 weeks. This weekend we have his company picnic which he has to be at since he's in charge of the games etc. So this weekend is shot Oh ya and softball tournaments on Sunday. Next weekend I'm leaving on Friday to pick Bug up. So ya, everything is fucking shot as far as plans for anything go. A little too late now isn't it?

So let's fast forward shall we? I had a family picnic yesterday which was nice. George came with me. Today, since he's on vacation he slept in and then worked on the deck. After dinner he was supposed to go over and help said neice study again. I called him on my way home from work and got cut off in a certain place in the road. I figured I'd call him back when I got home. Well then I had a phone call regarding house stuff and was on the phone forever. I get off of that call and see that I have a vm from G. I listen and call him back. Now keep in mind earlier he had wanted me to come over for dinner etc. I cant' remember what the message said, probably bc I blocked it out. I call him back and he rattles off about 7 people that are golng GOLFING!!!!!! Imagine my fucking suprise!? He was obviously riding in the vehicle with someone so I was able to put ti through that I was *not* amused by this in the LEAST. So I ask him what happened to helping niece w/ studying tonight? Oh, she said they can do it tomorrow instead. Really? REALLY!? Hmmm, imagine that. It was *that* fucking easy. *THAT* easy to switch days. Hmmm.. He can do that to go golfing but not to spend time w/ me. FUCK THAT. FUCK HIM. I fucking called him on this on Saturday when he said he couldn't go and I said he'd drop what he was doing to go golfing. So... I have a few days left bc Bug comes home and virtually no weekends but hey, obviously the guys and fucking golf is more important right? I'm so fucking mad I'm ready to go burn the mother fucking golf bag he bought me for my birthday. WHY would you buy someone a golf bag who DOESN'T GOLF!?!!???! Yes I'd talked about going this year but does that mean I want a golf bag?! Ugh. UGH!!!! Fuck. I'm pissed. no fucking respect AT ALL. None.

I obviously need to get off my ass and find a boyfriend that would rather spend time with me when I have almost no responsiblity whatsoever instead of doing whatever HE wants to go ALL THE TIME. I'm really sick of the "I'm the baby of the famil w/ 5 brothers & sisters and I'm sused to getting my way" syndrom that he has going on. WTF did I do to deserve this shti!?

Ok so I'll try to post something happier and upbeat another day I'm too pissed off to even get into the details of anything else that has happened in the past month.

My liver has left the building

Two weeks.... Again. Boy I really suck at this huh?

My liver is shot. I'm convinced of this. I don't think there was one night this week that I DIDN'T have a beer. Ugh. I'm not used to this considering Bug is normally home and I very rarely drink 2 days in a row. Add the 4th of July festivities on top of that and well... I'm fucking tired!!!!

Last weekend was the Fireman's Tournament. Yes, all the small fire departments from the 4 neighboring counties all get together and compete in different things. One was they had to sit in chairs and once the whistle blew they had to get their jackets, boots and hats on and run over to a big garbage can and fill their 5 gallon pickle pail with water, run over to another garbage can and dump their water. Only their buckets had about one hundred holes in them. It's hilarious to watch. Not to mention that most of them are drunk by noon that day. Another game was to take a long string held up by two forklift sort of machines. An emtpy keg is in the middle and there are knots on either side. They have to take the hoses and shoot water until the keg reaches the opposing teams knot. Freaking funny ass shit. (You probalby have to be there.) All I can say is Only in the UP!








They had a fireman's ball that night in the Armory. They had a kick ass band playing and everything. After the bag pipers we were going to go in but it was $5 per person to get in and they didn't have canned beer--only keg. Well I don't do keg beer so I talked the gang into going down the street to a bar to get a "real" beer. Got in there and it was an odd crowd. So we hopped back in the truck and went down the street to the next bar. They had karaoke. Now anyone who knows me knows I dont do karaoke. Oh boy. The karaoke I did that night!!! George & I did the Grease Lighting megamix, Jess & I did Strawberry Wine for her dad that she'd just buried a few days earlier (he always called me the Strawberry Queen after a dacquari night Jess & I went on), George & B were singing some Pour Some Sugar On Me. OMFG did we have a good time!!! George's sister & BIL were at a casino about 1.5-2 hrs away, they came back to party with us. George had 21 drink tickets for the fireman's ball (it was only $1 a glass!) so he wanted to leave and use up his tickets. Well there was NO way I was leaving a bar that I was having a kick ass time in to walk all the way back down there to drink keg beer. Ew. Not happening. So the guys left and we stayed and sang. OMFG did I have a good time!!! Of course the 4 shots that I had really helped with growing a set of balls I needed to get up and sing. I sounded like shit and I didn't care in the least! Had a GREAT time!

Hightlights from the Green Bay trip--

I haven't done anything with my pics from the 4th yet so those will have to be later.

Later bitches!

Where have I been?

Here, there and everywhere in between. Ok not really but that's what it seems like!

Drove to WI on Friday. We went to the zoo and Bug has been DYING to go to Lambeau field so we took her there. I thought she was honestly going to hyperventalate. We did the tour thing there which Bug thought was awesome. It really was neat. I mean there is *so* much history in that statium! We *had* to eat dinner at Chuck E Cheese's. Neither George nor I wanted to eat there but since it was Bug's last night I decided that we'd eat where ever her little heart desired. After that we headed back to the hotel and down to the pool.

The poor thing cried for 2 days before she left bc she was going to miss me so much but once she saw her dad she was just fine. I've talked to her a couple of times on the phone and she's been just fine. She's with her dad and brother until August 16th. 8 very long weeks. 60 days sounds so much better doesn't it?

So Saturday after dropping her off George and I putzed around. Stopped at Home Depot, Bed, Bath & Beyond, PetSmart etc. His sister and hubby were in GB as well as they were flying to VA to pick up their daughter to bring home. (Long story behind that one.) Anyway, we met them for drinks and dinner. Sadly, 4 beers and I was pickled. I really need to build up the tolerance again!!!

On the 6th my cousin and I decided to go have a beer. Bug was gone and her hubby was gone for the weekend and her daughter was staying at her Grandma's for the night. Her MIL called around 10p or so and said that her daughter was sick and had thrown up. It was green and looked like moss... Interesting... Anyway, I ended up picking up L and bringing them both home. L continued to throw up till 5am. On Saturday she was better, no fever at all during the entire time she's sick. Finally 4pm she started tossing cookies again. It was finally clear bc obviously this 9 year old child had gotten everything that was in her system out. Cousin called the nurse's station at the hospital explaining what was going on and the pains in her stomach and was told there was a "bug" that was going around. It made sense. L slept all night that night. Sunday cousin was getting her into the bathtub which L said felt really good on her belly. After she washed her hair and was ready to get her out, L collapsed screaming in pain. Cousin dressed her and rushed her to the ER only to be told "the clinic opens in a half an hour". Uh NO, this child is extremely sick and needs to be seen NOW. The Dr saw her and after L telling her that it hurt to pee she decided that it was probably just a bladder infection. Cousin said no. It was something more. She has had a bladder infection and this certainly was NOT a freaking bladder infection. She asked about a CAT scan and the Dr said "you really want me to?" UH!? Are you fucking dumb? YES!!!! So to make a long story short she had appendicitis and had to be rushed to a hospital an hour away for an appendectomy. Ugh. Cousin rode in the ambulance but her hubby was not home. He was on hsi way home from out of town but his cell phone was all screwed up. I finally got a hold of him when he was about an hour away. Fast forward. They do the surgery laproscopic. The surgeon came out and said everything went good and they got it all. The appendix had not ruptured and she could go home the following day.

They released L on Monday w/ demerol for the pain and an anti biotic. She still can't eat and still has pain. This went on all week. Thursday Bug and I stopped by to say goodbye before she left and she seemed to be getting better.

Monday cousin was at work and said that L woke her up at either 3am or 5am complaining that she needed a pain pill. She called work at 0830 crying in pain. Cousin made an appt for her and took her in. They did blood work on her, gave her a script for more pain meds and finally called her back a bit later with the results. A normal range for white blood cells is 8,000-11,000, L's were at 24,000!!! INFECTION. Ended up in the hospital again on IV with fluid and antibiotics. I cannot begin to explain to you the pain this child was in. It was like watching a 9 year old in labor. It was horrendous!!! Shots on demerol did NOTHING. She had 3-4 shots of demerol between 2-5pm and then when I got back at 7pm she had 2 more between 7-9p that were accompanied by an anti anxiety medication. After the first one she finally slept for maybe 30-45 min. Until the nurse came in to check vitals. She asked her what her pain level was and she said a 3. Not a minute after she walked out it was a 4 and then a 7 and then like a 50. She was flailing and in the fetal position, crying, screaming. It was terrible. They consulted with the Dr and then with another hospital about an hour and a half away (in the opposite direction of where she had the appendectomy). They couldn't do the surgery there until the following day bc she needed to have 2 bags of antibiotics in her system first.

Oh ya, forgot to say that she had an absess from the appendicitis. The absess wasn't infected but the outside of it was. It was covered in infection.

Her dad finally called me at midnight and they were transferring her. After her not peeing for roughly 10 hours they realized that they would ahve to insert a catater. She was having NONE of it. When you have a little girl you teach her that boys and people in general are NOT to touch or look at your "privates". Well they taught her well bc it was NOT happening. They had 2 men and 2 women holding this child down. Nto going to happen. So they decided to transfer hre. She screamed in pain the entire ride. Once they got there they gave her morophine and inserted the cathater.

Yesterday they did some tests and the absess was behind her bladder pushing on her rectum. Which makes sense bc she kept saying she had to poop but couldn't. The kid was shitting puss. Gross I know. Sorry. Anyway they decided they couldn't insert the drain tube like they'd wanted. Instead they had to open her up. For the 2 hours before the surgery they would give her NOTHING for the pain. Cousin ended up hyperventalating they had to get a nurse for her. Finally the nurse called the Dr and gave her some meds and decided they would adjust the anethesia accordingly.

When they got in there they realized the absess was bigger than my fist!!! Full of toxins and infection. Poor thing!!!

Hopefully the worst is over and she can start to recover now. They left the incision open and inserted a drain tube. She won't be home until Sunday at the very least. Poor poor baby.

Bug doesn't know. She'd want to come home right away and panic. No need to tell her these things while she's gone.

My Grandpa has been in and out of the hospital twice in the past week and my parents dog may have to have a blood transfusion. Grandpas bp is very low and he's getting very dizzy. The dog has been sicka nd sleeping non stop so they brought her in last week and gave her meds. Monday they brought her back again and did bloodwork. A dogs platelets are supposed to be between 150-175, hers are 24. Not good. They gave them steriods to hopefully bring it up otherwise the next step is to have a transfusion 10 hours away. She has an auto immune something or other. Her red blood cells are attacking themselves and the rest of her body so she's basically killing herself. Poor thing. They go back in tomorrow.

Well time for me to stop typing. I think I've developed carpel tunnel from all this typing today. But anyway there's your update. That's where I've been and why I've not blogged in 2 weeks or whatever its' been. I'm sure now that Bug is gone I'll update more as I have *so* much free time now.

Hope everyone is having a great summer so far. Colder than SHIT here!!! Ugh. Sucks ass.

Again

Again I've been neglecting you. I'm sorry. My life is totally fucked up.

I may be single... but I might not. I'm not really sure. What I do know is that I will not tolerate living my life without respect from my significant other. What makes one lose respect? What makes someone one day decide that they are better then you and they think they have the ability to dictate your life. Your friends, your clothes etc. Two words-- FUCK THAT.

Bug is leaving next Saturday for her dad's. She will be gone until August 16th. I will have plenty of time to blog while shes is gone. Lord knows I'll have nothing better to do. Well unless I'm single. Then I'll be free to dance on bars again.

I haven't had a cigarette in a week. Maybe if I did I wouldn't be so bitchy... Or is my life really *that* fucked up right now?!

He hasn't talked to me since 8am yesterday. That would be approximately 34 hours. His loss. I'm a good fucking catch damn it. I don't deserve this bullshit.

I was sick all last week. I barely made it to work. I had a temp of 101.9-102.9 for4 days. I finally went to the Dr on Friday. Thursday night all I did was cry I was in so much pain. Four days w/o a break in the fever. It was pure hell. I couldnt' even put Bug to bed on Thursday. So 0830 Friday I was at the Dr's office. He didnt' come in till 0930 after visiting patients in the hospital. There were already 2 or 3 people ahead of me. I had to piss in a cup. Then they sent me to the hospital for bloodwork. When I got back to the office I had to piss in a cup again. They decided that I just might be preggers. I thought I was going to cry right there. THANK GOD I'M NOT!!!!!!!!! So after all of that they still didn't know what was wrong with me other than a bit of unexplainable blood in my urine. Oh well. I guess I'm not going to die. Just a viral infection of some sort. Saturday I woke up and the fever had finally broken but I had a terrible cough and the feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest. I still have that feeling and some phlegm but I still don't feel nearly as bad as I did last week. I'm chaulking the phlegm and cough up to the fact that the leaves are FINALLY coming out here so we're bombarded w/ pollen which is making it hard to breath. I get like this every single spring.

Today is the first day I've wanted to smoke in a week. Probably because I'm so irritated. I'm more of a social smoker anyway. When I go out or when I'm pissed. I dont' smoke at work and I rarely smoke at home. Go figure. I also hate smoke. I'm such a hypocrite. I get home from the bar and I'm in the shower right away bc I cannot stand waking up smelling like a bar. Imagine that?

My dog has also been sick. IDK what her issue is but Monday I woke up and there was dog shit and vomit the color of dog shit all over my freaking house. I cleaned it all up and the next night-- the same thing. Wednesday night was normal. No mess anywhere when I woke up. Last night I fell asleep on the couch till 6am and there were 2 or 3 spots. IDK whats up w/ her. Maybe she has the flu? Maybe bad dog food? If she's still sick tomorrow I'll call the vet. She's acting fine when I'm here and during the day so... IDK. Fucking animals.

Alright I'm too pissy to blog anymore. Hope you're all alive and well. I'll keep you updated on whether I'll be dancing on bars or tables in the near future or if someone learned they were being dickish. (Shut up, it's MY word!!!)

Look at the time...

My how time flys huh? Where the hell have I been?

Busy that's where!!!

Friend w/ Leukemia- brother is a PERFECT match. I have no idea if I've already written about that or not. Anyway, they called him on Friday with a date. Everything is getting to be very real for him and is really freaking him out. I would be freaking out too. From my understanding they will do extensive chemo on him. After that they will do the transplant. He will have to live in a "bubble" for a hwile and wont' be able to come home for a ballpark of 90-100 days. My heart just goes out to him and his family. I cannot imagine having to endure something like that.

Catachism-- almost done. First communion and Confirmation this Sunday. I was informed by my daughters father that my boyfriend is NOT allowed to sit by us in church. UH!? HELLO???? If this is so important to him then WHY is he NOT coming??? He's sending money for the party but not coming? He could have saved his money and gotten his ass on a plane and flew here if it that *that* important to him. I mean seriously!? And then to ask me if I know this is a family function? Uh.. yes I do. He wanted to know who was going to be there. Never once did I mention George's name. Not once. And then he tells me that it is forbidden that he sit with my family and I during mass. FORBIDDEN!!! It's a slap in God's face if I allow him to sit with me since we are not married. You know I am SOOOOOOOOO sick and tired of this asshole trying to rule my f'n life. I left him almost 7 years ago. Can someone please tell me what it is that he does NOT understand???? I have a life of my own and I am entitled to live it in any way I please. He cannot tell me how to live my life. Also, if it was *such* a slap in the face of God don't you think they would have told us such a thing already? That is is forbidden for unmarried people to sit together in church? He also told me that if he took his girlfriend (which I'm SURE he popped in the convo to try to get a reaction out of me, I honestly don't think he has one) she would not be allowed to sit with them. Uh huh riiiiiiiiiiight. When he and I started dating and I was still flying around (we weren't serious at all at this point) his son (who he was full custody of) had his First Communion. Do you honestly think that he would tell me that I could not sit with them in church???? No, I highly doubt that. Especially considering he has NO family in the US and his ex-wife really has nothing to do w/ their son as sad as that is. I tell you, he teaches me something new every day. I'd like to know when he decided to make up new rules for the church. I fucking hate that man. I honestly do. There's so much more to the story. After shit like that I wonder WHY I have never taken him to court to "up" his support. The sad thing is that I called him to explain to him what I told the people about the picture taking in church. I fought to be able to take pictures FOR HIM!!!!! And then out of no where he springs this shit on me? You know what? Fuck him. If he wants pictures he can wait unti the photographer posts them on the website. Fuck that. Ungreatful fuck.

Or how about the fact that he just decided to purchase the tickets on his own to fly her there and back this summer? Didnt' consult me at all. Now my NASCAR weekend is totally fucked bc of him. I've waited FOREVER to be able to go and now that's all screwed up and I can't. Then I'd asked him to fly her back to and airport near my Grandma. She isn't doing so hot either. But instead what does he do? Buys the tickets on his own days and flys her back into Chicago. WTF?! Ugh. So now I have an either 6 hour drive around Lake Michigan or I have to go back home and then the long way to see her. Honestly I wish he'd just be casterated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That man should NEVER be allowed to breed again. All he does is make women's life hell. I dont' know how they do things in South America but they dont' treat women like that here. Get a fucking card pal! Grrrrrrrrrrr.........

Girl Scouts-- I'm STILL delivering f'n cookies!!!!!! I've had them for TWO weeks now. Ugh.

I went out of town this past weekend for a bachelorette party. It was fun but she is so very conservative. The bar we'd gone to had 3 other bachelorettes there that night and had the 3 of them on the stage for a contest. They got points for every shirt and pants they got from the men in the bar. 1, 2, 3... GO! One poor bastard got caught in the middle of this shit. Poor guy was left with 2 socks and 1 shoe. There he is, naked as a Jay-bird holding his junk in his hands. Honestly he wasn't much to look at- in my eyes anyway, just not my type, but it takes some massive balls (no pun intended bc honestly I didn't get to see them) to let some chick do that to you in a bar. It was still fairly early, maybe midnight. OMFG. Every girl that had a camera in that bar was snapping pictures of this guys white ass and tattoo'd back. It was priceless. I'll post a picture later.

My Grandpa is not well. Granted that he will be 86 in July but he's always just been such a strong man. I hate the thought that this could be the beginning of the end. I realize that we all have to go at some point but it just sucks ass.

Alright time for me to go. I've been on this thing for far too long tonight.

Later hookers!

I've been Hoff'd

Sorry for that moment of weakness yesterday. When did I become all girly like that? I feel like I should go 4-wheeling in some mud now.

Uneventful day. We looked up old one hit wonder videos and just old video's in general today at work and laughed our asses off. Remember Gerardo- Rico Suave? Oh but the BEST one was this-- I just wasn't able to top it for DUMB ASS video of the day. Seriously, I realize the Hoff is big in other countries but this is sooooooo gay. There no way in hell this man can be proud of this.

"The" One

"There's no such thing as the perfect guy. I think it would be strange if somebody was absolutely everything you always wanted because then there would be no challenge"-Jessica Alba


What does it feel like to be "the" one? I have to admit I'm a bit emotional today for some reason. I'm really not sure why. Could be because my boyfriends friend and girlfriend that started dating right after George and I did are so sickly in love and I'm envious? She told me last night that they are planning on getting married next summer. He has admitted to George that she is "the" one. What does that feel like? What does it feel like to know that you make someones world go round and they want nothing more than to spend the rest of their life with you?

I was engaged once. To Bug's dad. We used to joke and look at rings. I found "the" perfect ring. It was *so* totally me. Somehow I knew that he'd purchased it. He came to see me in Chicago and I for some reason knew that he had it with him. I asked him to give it to me and he wouldn't. Have I ever told you how I was proposed to? After going out that night (after I'd asked him to give me the ring) we returned to our hotel-- The Travel Lodge near O'Hare. I got into bed and went to sleep. He woke me up around 2am, on the side of the bed and said "Will you marry me?" I opened my eyes and said "Fuck you". WHO proposes like that??? Granted that yes I accepted the ring. My daughter was conceived the next day. At least she wasn't' conceived in the freaking Travel Lodge. Classy. Really classy way to propose to someone. I should've known right then and there that it wasn't going to work.

It's funny when people ask you about your first true love, it's not him. It's the ex boyfriend. The one that I found after I moved back here. We were set up on a blind date. After three years of being on and off I think we both realized that it wasn't going to work. I basically gave him an ultimatum. In my eyes, after 3 years you either know or you don't. He didn't. I wasn't willing to wait anymore. We both needed to move on. And we have.

Now I have George. I met him so many years ago. I fell in love with him so many years ago. I have taken chances with this man that I've never before taken in my life. In my eyes HE is "the one" for me. I know this. However, he's broken. He's been there and done that and isn't looking to go back to that place anytime soon. He says that I have too many animals. I told him that's an excuse. You love someone unconditionally, not because of their animals, money, children etc. Love is without conditions. He is my "the" one. I know that with every single ounce of my being. I love him so much more then the ex. It's hard to explain.

We are perfectly unperfect together. We fit. I read that quote up above yesterday and really reflected on it. It's very true. We argue, we bicker but at the end of the day I'm still so madly in love with him.

I'm really sick of being the friend of the bride. The single one. The mom. The blunt one. The one with the dogs. The one who works "there". I'm me. I'm the one that's willing to take chances in my life. I always have. I just got done watching a movie, I think it was called "Cake" or something. It was on Lifetime and starred Heather Graham. I am her in so many ways. I've always done my thing. Maybe I've been afraid of commitment and just didn't know it. Or maybe I mask my WANT for commitment by pretending that I don't want it? I don't know. With George I stopped telling him I wanted to marry him. I stopped telling him that he was the one. All because he didn't want to hear it... Why should I have to do that? Why would I hide my feelings for him because he wants me to? Why does he want me to? Is he afraid because he jumped in blindly last time with both feet? Why doesn't he love me like that? Why is it that I cannot have that fairy tale? Was it not meant for me?

This is so dumb. I'm sorry for my babbling.

Friends in need

So a good friend of mine as well as my co-worker has been sick for some time now. They finally ran a bunch of tests on him and came back that he was anemic. Wow. I never new anemia could make you feel so run down and give you so many issues. He explained that there are different types. Now that they knew what he was suffering from they had to go to the next step and figure that out.

So a couple Friday's ago, when we were supposed to get the "Monster storm" he gets a call AT WORK from the Dr's office telling him bc of the weather not to drive the hour to get there but that they had his results.... He has leukemia. Yes they told him this while he was at work. Granted they were calling for 18-24 inches of snow and with news like that I can see how driving would be more of a hazard than finding out you have a potentially life threatening illness while at work. I don't recall seeing him much that day so he must've left. I sure would have. They had to let him know that day bc they were making arrangements for him to go to a large hospital many hours from here.

I think I blogged about this already. Either that or I'm having deja vu'.

So he went to the big hospital and they ran more tests. We were under the impression that he would have chemo and wait to see if he needed a bone marrow transplant. Well, the chemo didn't happen. He needs bone marrow. His brother was tested today and there is only a 25% chance that he will match. Only 25%. Can you imagine!? If his brother doesn't match then they got to the registry to look for a match. He has a sister but they have different dad's and insurnace will only test someone if they are 100% full sibling or something to that effect. So anyway, I called my Dr's office today since I have an order to get a cholesterol test done I wanted to know if they could check my bone marrow to see if I would be a match for him. I didn't necissarily want to be on the donor registry. Just wanted to be checked for my friend. Then I got to thinking... How totally and completely selfish is that of me? What about all of the other people out there in my same situation that have a friend that is sick and in need? What if it was Bug? Or someone else's child? What if I KNEW that I could help someone and instead I let them suffer nad die? How completely cruel and heartless of me?! I already know that I have a rare blood type. I know that there is a shortage on my blood yet I went to donate once and they turned me away bc they said my heart skipped. I've since had that checked out and I'm ok so what is stopping me? My Grandpa used to give blood all the time. Why didn't I learn from him? Is it because I'm afraid of needles? That's selfish. If I can have a child and get poked and prodded every month for almost 10 months, recover from a c-section and get a tattoo---but not give blood to someone that may need it.. that's selfish. Hell I probably get rid of more in a month then they would take out of me anyway. (Ya ew gross I know. Grow up you sissy's.) So anyway, my point is that I'm selfish. I'm in a situation that I could potentially help people and I'm not. Yes I have an organ donation card filled out on my drivers license in case I die, however what is that going to hurt me right? I'll be dead. On top of that I choose not to donate my eyeballs or skin or bone or whatever for what reason? Because I'll need those things when I'm dead? So instead I give my heart and internal organs... What about the burn victim's that need new skin? What about someone who has lost their sight and could be given the gift of sight from me? All they're going to do is sew my eyelids shut anyway. What do I need my eyeballs for?

Yes I realize this post is morbid, but after having my friend go through this, it really puts things into perspective for me. What if it was me in that situation? What if *I* had a family to support and couldn't? What if I was faced with the possiblity of death? It must suck.

So I called the Dr's office and the Dr didn't know much. So I called a friend of mine that used to wrk in the lab (and still does on occasion) and is also on the board at the hospital here in town and asked him what I'd have to do. He has a meeting with someone who deals with bone marrow donation etc tonight and will call me tomorrow.

I may have my chlosteral test tomorrow, donate blood and register for bone marrow in the morning.

We are having a fundraiser for him and his family on the 9th. I think it will be a dinner and dance. There is a meeting tomorrow at 530p that I will be going to. His wife cried when she was told about the fundraiser. Yes they have insurance as well as AFLAC, however the hospital that he will be going to is 9 hours away. They have lost wages etc. They also have a daughter that has quite a few health issues on top of what they're dealing with.

After watching Oprah's Big Give, seeing what these people can do for others with little or no money... I could save a life.... the best gift that a person can give. The best gift that we all can give. So next time I'm feeling down, I'm going to think about it and rememeber that I could be so much worse off in my life. Things could be so bad for me. Instead of feeling sorry for myself becuase I dont have any extra money to buy new summer clothes or whatever, I'm going to be thankful for my health and the things that I do have and have worked so hard fo. For you never know when those things can be taken away from you. Everything in life is material.

What's even worse and this may be me being well, me. Thinking and over analizing but it's a fact. We had a gentleman that worked for us years ago. He was with the company for so many years. I wrote about him on my other blog for those of you who were there. He was wonderful. Had such a caring family. Wife, 2 boys and a girl. His wife was diagnosed with leukemia and it eventually took her life. A few years later, he remarried, only to be going through a divorce a short time later ( a year or two maybe)... he went on vacation to TX with some friends. One of which owned a small plane. It crashed and the three friends parished in it. They could only identify my friend bc he had a hip replacement. He left behind a son that was maybe 24 or 25, a daughter that was just starting out in college and a son who wasnt' quite yet 16. They were orphans. Sad. Very very sad. So things in our lives could be so much worse.... Oh the moral of that story, when co-worker parished in the plane crash they had to move people around in the company and hire new people. My friend that is sick w/ leukemia right now, now sits at his desk. I told some co-workers the other day that I feel the desk needs to be burned. Yes, over analyzing and looking into it more than I should. I'm being superstitious.

It just sucks. The entire situation sucks. He is only like 38 or 39 years old. Has a 15 year old and a 8 year old at home. How can I be greedy and selfish and NOT help a family like that???? Maybe I wouldn't be able to help him, but to know that I could have maybe saved a life and didn't!?

Selfish. We are all selfish in one way or another. My Grandma used to say... "No one is perfect. There was only one perfect person in history and they crusified him". How true.